The Frozen Dead

Oh, how I love bad horror films! This one takes the eternal baddies, the Nazis, to good use. One Dr. Norborg has been working on a secret project to revive bodies that have been frozen for up to 20 years. An interested party of two Nazi sympathizers come to have a look at the doctor's progress and are very disappointed when they learn that even though the bodies have been revived, there have been some hick-ups with the brain function.

This is demonstrated through recent failed revivals, one subject is eternally crying because his brain appears to be stuck in a sad moment of his previous life, another is constantly bouncing an invisible ball, a third - this the doctor's own brother (played by the only actor of note in the whole thing, Edward Fox) - has been rather violent since he was defrosted, constantly trying to choke people.

This brain problem is of very great concern to the visitors, as they came to inform the doctor of their plan to revive 1500 frozen heads of Nazis of prominence. They wish to see results soon and the doctor feels he will need some more time. To speed things up, the doctor's assistant stages a murder.

Let me explain. The doctor's niece Jean makes a surprise appearance with a friend. Jean is the daughter of the now violent brother. That friend is drugged by the assistant and left for the brother to choke to death. He tells the doctor that OMG! I heard a noise and came in to see your brother kill the poor girl. But wait! Don't panic! How about we cut off her head and see if we cannot revive her brain properly? Wouldn't that be awesome?

And so they do. This causes a bit of a chain reaction, because Jean is looking for her, they make up an elaborate lie of the friend having left for London on the morning train. Jean will not let go and asks uncomfortable questions. The two Nazi visitors put more pressure on the doctor to get his shit together so that they can get on with their evil plan of trying for world domination once again.

It is as ridiculous as it sounds, which is to say, quite awesome.

(see also: Nazis at the Center of the Earth, a film with similar themes)

4/10

Die beispiellose Verteidigung der Festung Deutschkreuz (The Unprecedented Defence of the Fortress Deutschkreuz)

So, I am not the world's biggest Werner Herzog fan, but he made some awesome films with my favorite actor, Klaus Kinski (not my favorite person, mind you, but my favorite actor). This is not one of them.

This piece with the unnecessarily long title (if you read it slowly enough, it will take you longer than watching it) was filmed in Deutschkreuz, which is in my home country. It is under 15 min long and takes place in a castle, that was once the site of a battle between the Russians and the Germans during WWII.

A group of four young men visit the place and find uniforms and equipment. They dress up and play at defending the place. The only people around, however, are some farmers. The four get ready for the attack that - to their deep disappointment - does not come.

In the end, they storm out of the castle in full gear.

Yeah, it's weird.

5/10

The Chase

A small town in Texas is in upheaval because Bubber Reeves escaped from jail. He was sitting in for one of a string of felonies. On the run, the prisoner he broke out of jail with kills someone and takes of with their car. So now the authorities also want Bubber for a murder he did not commit.

A handful of people in his hometown want to help him. There are Anna, his wife, and Jake Rogers, son of the rich man that practically owns the town. The two have been lovers for a long time (and everyone except old man Rogers knows) and now want to help Bubber by providing him money and a means to make a run for it.

The local Sheriff, who doesn't quite believe that Bubber had anything to do with the murder does his best to try and return him safely to jail because quite a few of the town's inhabitants have been drinking through most of the night and are out for blood. Sheriff Calder takes a beating from an especially anxious trio.

Eventually, a lot of the town folk make it out to Lester Johnson's junk yard by the wharf, where Bubber is said to be hiding out. Various drunken parties have relocated there and the people start throwing Molotov cocktails into the yard and singing songs asking Bubber to come out. It all gets out of hand and an explosion severely injures Jake. He dies some time later.

Bubber finally surrenders to the Sheriff, who takes him calmly to jail but on the steps, the idiotic trio cause one last ruckus and one of them guns Bubber down.

Good film with a fiery finale and a great cast.

7/10

One Million Years B.C.

This film takes us, well, One Million Years B.C. Do not look for historical accuracy, however. Here men coexists with dinosaurs (maybe this is where Sarah Palin got the idea?) and is endangered by any number of oversized creatures.

The population is divided into the Rock tribe (dark haired, rough edged) and the Shell tribe (blond and Eloi-esque), both groups unaware of the other's existence until one day Tumak fall out of the Rock tribe nest after a fight with his brother. He spends the next 15 minutes stumbling through scenery, narrowly escaping some of the creatures. He barely makes it to the sea, dehydrated and collapses. It is there that he encounters the Shell tribe. They take him in and almost immediately, he clashes with his Shell equivalent.

Eventually he runs off with Luana, the bikini clad beauty that initially rallied up her fellow fisherwomen to save him. They return to the Rock tribe, where animosity reigns because Tumak's brother tried to kill his father (and chief) while out hunting.

Luana has been picked up and flown off by one of the evil creatures and is presumed dead. When father and son go head to head in battle, the group supporting the ousted father are joined by the Shell tribe, brought by Luana,who has returned to them injured and weak.

They prevail, but then a volcano erupts and the survivors (including Tumark and Luana, of course) are molded now into one tribe, destined to brave the new world together.

Hilariously ridiculous.

4/10

Manos: The Hands of Fate

This is widely believed to be one of the worst films ever made. It is currently third from the bottom on imdb's 'bottom 100' list - only, uhm, beaten (?) by Disaster Movie and The Hottie & the Nottie (both feature star power that Manos can simply not keep up with).

Where to begin? The acting is as bad as the script is stupid. The dialogue the poor people have to work with is as shallow as it gets. After all, this was only made because of a bet that director/star (?) Harold P. Warren made with a screenwriter who was in his hometown to scout for locations.

The story is of a family (parents, daughter, dog) that gets lost in the middle of nowhere, coming among a deserted farm house deserted but for the limping caretaker Torgo. Torgo, apparently a metaphor for a satyr, makes ominous remarks about a 'master' that is initially only present on a strange and fear inducing painting.

When we finally meet him, he is clad in black and red and surrounded by women dressed in nightgowns. The master, who may or may not be dead, comes to life and decides he must sacrifice poor Torgo to the deity "Manos". Torgo is tied to a stone bed and attacked by the women in nightgowns (the 'wives' of the master or something), but he escapes, wounded.

When the master comes upon the family, the father shoots him into the face from close range, but to no avail. The master applies some hypnotic power which turns the mother and daughter into 'wives' for the master and the father into the new caregiver, who at the end of the film welcomes another unfortunate group of lost travelers.

Needs to be seen to be believed (and cannot possibly be judged in mere numbers).