The Thing

An alien taking over bodies of living beings (a dog to begin with, whoever is available after) to 'imitate' the host ends up in an American station in Antarctica. Scientifically, this is new and exciting and horrifying. Definitely something the scientists and/or doctor at the station should probably try to figure out. Stat. So....

Let's put the helicopter pilot in charge!

Never mind that he drinks way more than he probably should (and why is there so much alcohol available in the middle of nowhere, anyway?) and doesn't know the difference between Swedes and Norwegians (and, boy, does that joke get old quickly!). He is Kurt Russel so to him we shall listen.

What he has going for him is clearly being the inspiration for Pharrell's ever present hat! Behold!

 

If we chose to overlook the implausibility of the worker bee running the show (and we do chose that) than we can appreciate the dark atmosphere in this and, indeed, many other of John Carpenter's films. Sadly, he seems to have lost his touch as of late, painfully obvious in his latest film, The Ward.

But The Thing was made in his heyday, when the special effects could still gross you out. The dog splits open, for Christ's sake! And a head grows legs and turns into a giant spider thingy. Awesome!

If this film were made today, however, the first Norwegian on the scene might still have been shot (in that all-American Shoot First, Ask Questions Later! attitude) but the main objective of the team of scientists (and the trigger-happy, rough guy pilot, obviously) would be to isolate the dog or anyone suspected of being an imitation to see if this cannot be used in warfare somehow.

So a lot could have been handled better if, I dunno, the guy that figured out that one or more of the team may have been infected/imitated said something to his colleagues about it. They might have had some valuable input. As it happens, when something needs to be told they tell it to the pilot first. Why? Because he is Kurt Russell.

And a good thing too, because he does have a theory on how to test who of their group is/are affected. He knows science and medicine now! He has theories! If this were indeed made today, he probably would have been a scientist because at some point it became okay for them to be tough and sexy and bad-ass. The are also allowed to be women now! Imagine the possiblities.

I don't mean to sound like I didn't like The Thing. It did what it set out to do, which is entertain and gross out.

A friend pointed out this story to me, which tells the story from the thing's perspective.

8/10

First Blood

This is the first of the Rambo franchise.

John Rambo, Vietnam vet, former green beret, trained to become a killing machine, can't catch a break back home. When he gets picked up in a small town for minding his own business, he ends up beating up a few officers and fleeing into the mountains. The local sheriff sends everyone and their grandmother in pursuit of him.

Rambo goes into self defense mode and holds his ground against some two hundred assorted law enforcement people. Casualties are kept to a minimum (one tends to falsely remember vast numbers of dead bodies when it comes to this, because the later Rambo films spill more blood than this one).

In the end, he faces off with his 'creator', one captain Trautman and breaks down crying, before surrendering.

6/10

Mil gritos tiene la noche (Pieces)

Let's talk about Pieces for a minute. Specifically, let us talk about the sheer crappiness of it.

What happens after the intro scene happens forty years after the incident pictured above. Now, here is a major spoiler, so if you really don't want to know who the grown-up bad guy is, stop reading now: The murderer of many a female college student still has the same hair color and a similar haircut.

For a while, however, pretty much everyone is a suspect. There is the gardener, who likes to wield his chainsaw and just generally looks suspicious. There is the smart, popular kid who is about to meet up with a naked blonde in the indoor pool - the very site of her untimely demise. There is the anatomy professor who is - OMG! - gay. There is also the dean, who speaks in a curious English accent (this is New England, mind you).

So, the police have their hands full. So full, in fact, that they recruit the aforementioned college kid (no, really) and a blonde, female tennis player (no, really) who will be undercover as the college's new tennis coach (no, really).

Everything about the film is so quintessentially 1980s, it is almost painful to watch.

*shakes-head-sadly*

1/10