Long Weekend

Yeah, yeah, I've been gone a while. I thought I made be done with this blog for good but here I am. So, I saw a lot of films since I last reviewed one. I may or may not review any of them. Time will tell. Today I watched Long Weekend and with this I return.

When I say Long Weekend I refer to the 1978 original, of course. As I understand, the 2008 remake is basically a shot-for-shot retelling of the story, so I ask you, "What's the point?".

First up, the tag line/promo line on the movie poster is genius.

Their Crime was against nature...nature found them guilty.

Also, it tells you everything you need to know about the film. Here is a couple that decide to take a break in nature for a long weekend. They appear to be a modern, suburban couple who have obviously hit a road block in their relationship. There is talk of an abortion, the child apparently the result of an affair the wife (Marcia) was/is having. The husband (Peter) also appears to be getting some on the side - the film starts with him parting from a woman that may be his lover.

Not the best premise for a weekend away.

They drive off with their (well, his) dog, Cricket, not the smartest of dogs. Marcia is in a piss-poor mood for most of the drive. This seems to be her default setting. Over the days to come there are some moments of tenderness between the couple, giving us some idea of what they once were. But this is only the backdrop.

To return to the promo from the poster, here are the ways in which they piss off nature:

Peter throws a cigarette out the car window, igniting what could be a wild fire.
Peter hits a kangaroo in the dark.
Marcia steals and later smashes an eagle egg. (A move I found particularly disgusting.)
Marcia applies bug spray everywhere.
Peter kills a dugong. Or not. This dugong is an especially ugly and fascinating beast.
Marcia hits ducklings with the car, splotches of blood and goo all over her windshield.

But this being Australia and horror and all, nature will have her payback.

This is awesome in a very 1970's kind of way.

7/10

Berberian Sound Studio

For someone who likes horror films and has some interest in how certain things are actually done in movies, like me, this is the perfect film. Something I also appreciate, is that the film puts a wonderful character actor like Toby Jones in the center of things. The rest of the cast are Italian, which is only right for a story that is set in the world of 1970's Italian Giallo films.

The story is somewhat convoluted and does not make a whole lot of sense at times. However, mostly the story is inconsequential. Or maybe it is supposed to represent Gilderoy going off the rails over the course of the story.

If you expect a film about the sounds created in a studio to spice up the horror on the screen to be actually entertaining on a horror film level, this film is not for you. The pace is slow, the acting is far from flashy (how could it be with Toby Jones playing the lead?), but this is beautifully staged and framed.

Also, vegetables get a lot of screen time. Fresh, hacked to pieces, cooking, rotting in ever growing amounts.

Not for everyone, but definitely for me.

8/10

My Amityville Horror

This is the 'true' account of what happened in the house in Amityville, 112 Ocean Ave. The story has been told many times, be it by the family that allegedly experienced the haunted, by Ed and Lorraine Warren or through several horror films based on a true story.

My Amityville Horror focuses on Daniel Lutz, one of the three children in the house with their mother and stepfather, that eventually triggered the legend surrounding the place now. This is mostly a string of first word accounts by Daniel, psychics, psychologists and even Lorraine Warren makes an appearance.

Some of the aspects are really interesting and unsettling in ways that make you question whether or not this could actually have happened. Some comments call the truth of Daniel's recollection into question. How much of it does he really remember and when - if at all - did he fill in the blanks of his memories?

The film does not give a cut and dried answer but really only remains on the truthfulness of Daniel Lutz's words. It is up to anyone themselves to decide. It makes - on purpose or by accident - make Daniel look very unsympathetic. This appears to be a man that is always on the verge of jumping down someone's throat and voices his anger at interviewers (that last scene!).

I feel like that guy did not do himself any favors by agreeing to do this.

If you are interested in reading more about this, I recommend: Amityville Horror: Horror or Hoax? on the abc website.

6/10

The Crazies

I have seen The Crazies before. I have also seen the original version of the film before. The earlier one was made in 1973 and sports all the craziness one would expect from a horror flick made by George A. Romero. The kung fu was probably the most ridiculous bit.

I much prefer the new version, for several reasons. Firstly, there is no kung fu in this. The lead is played by Timothy Olyphant, who is very easy on the eyes. And the new version is set in Iowa. Why they would change the setting from Pennsylvania in the original to Iowa in the remake I do not know.

The disaster is caused by a combination of accident and government involvement. A plane transporting a bio-weapon goes down in a body of water that supplies the county with drinking water. Very unfortunate. Not only does the water now turn the locals into the crazies in the title within a 48 hour incubation period, but the government also tries to contain not only the virus (for lack of a better word) and the information that this ever happened. The latter, of course, means that everyone - healthy or sick - has to be terminated.

The ones walking away are the local sheriff and his pregnant wife, who walk, run and fight they way out of the military controlled (or the lack of it) area. The last thing they see of their former home is a mushroom cloud. But this being the naughties, the will only end up in the next contamination area.

No revelation, to be sure, but good fun for an hour and a half.

6/10

13 Sins

Imagine you're having a really crappy time, lost your job recently, your fiance is pregnant with your first child, both your father and mentally challenged brother need expensive care and you sit in your car with an annoying fly. Your phone rings and someone offers you $ 1,000,-- to kill said fly. Easy enough, right? Then they offer you more than triple that amount to eat that fly. Wouldn't it be at this point that you decided that this particular game may not be for you?

Yeah. And that is why neither you nor I are the main characters in this film.

We follow a desperate man who has just been through all of the above as he takes on tests, challenges, whatever that get - you guessed it - worse but also earn him higher amounts with each completed task. And of course that ominous voice on the phone has ways to put pressure on him to avoid you from backing out but where is the line that makes him stop?

Well, we can't really say because whenever the poor guy wants to quit, there are ways to make him understand that he simply can't.

Of course, there would be bidders following the game and throwing around big money. Basically, this is like Rat Race, but without the comedy. Which is not necessarily saying that this isn't entertaining. It certainly is.

I guess the message is that desperate people will do desperate things. Probably not too far from the truth.

6/10

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

This is so disgusting. There is, however, one reason to watch this (well, at least reason enough for me) and that is: Henry Rollins!

The premise is a reality TV show. Because, of course it is. The goal is to be the last man/woman standing after five days in a post apocalyptic world and most of it is scripted. So much for the 'reality' part. The contestants are an assortment of failures: a would-be athletes, 'actresses', an idiot skateboarder named Jonesy and a woman with military education. She, of course, is a tough lesbian. Because cliché. Not that it is going to help her any in the long run.

How this Jonesy character made it for as long as he did is beyond me. He should have been killed off much earlier than he was, for being annoying if not for anything else.

So, the cast and crew get killed and possibly eaten one by one. That is the plot.

The difference to part one is that we get to really take a close look at the deformed killers. We even witness one of them give birth. Also, we see two of them having sex (as if anybody needed to see that).

The baddies do get killed more efficiently here, thanks to a stack of dynamite that Henry Rollins chances upon. Since flying meat and spraying blood is not gross enough, however, the last two remaining get hacked to pieces by a machine that can handily dub as a meat grinder.

Did I say last two? I meant of course the last two to tie up the story nicely, before we get the final horror film classic open end shot of someone (something) giving the deformed newborn a cut-off finger to suck on.

As for Henry Rollins...Henry Rollins is a fucking one man army! Bad ass until the end. His end, that is. So much blood. So much blood.

3/10

Wrong Turn

I have so many questions.

Like, why would you linger in a house that is clearly inhabited by, at the very least, serial killers? Get the hell out of there!

Why don't you hide in the vast woods all around you (for miles and miles and miles) but chose to stay in plain sight for as long as possible?

How does anybody find anyone in those big ass woods? Ever?

Where do I know this Carly from? (The Mentalist. I looked it up.)

How did Desmond Harrington end up in this?

The story is as obvious as can be in a mediocre horror film. Young, attractive people stuck in the middle of the West Virginia woods. They chance upon a cabin (imagine!), where they find a number of very disturbing pieces of body parts, collected in various jars. They hide under beds, in store rooms, etc. and have to fight to keep quiet while witnessing their friend getting cut into pieces by inbred hillbillies. They flee (but not into the woods, mind you) and the villains catch up with them again and again, while the young, attractive people get killed one by one. Jeremy Sisto actually gets a nice Boromir send-off.

The prettiest boy and girl of the bunch eventually make it out alive after killing the baddies repeatedly. These here even exceed the mere standard two lives the bad guys in these types of films usually have.

Yeah, it's bad. Almost in a good way.

Almost.

3/10

The Thing

An alien taking over bodies of living beings (a dog to begin with, whoever is available after) to 'imitate' the host ends up in an American station in Antarctica. Scientifically, this is new and exciting and horrifying. Definitely something the scientists and/or doctor at the station should probably try to figure out. Stat. So....

Let's put the helicopter pilot in charge!

Never mind that he drinks way more than he probably should (and why is there so much alcohol available in the middle of nowhere, anyway?) and doesn't know the difference between Swedes and Norwegians (and, boy, does that joke get old quickly!). He is Kurt Russel so to him we shall listen.

What he has going for him is clearly being the inspiration for Pharrell's ever present hat! Behold!

 

If we chose to overlook the implausibility of the worker bee running the show (and we do chose that) than we can appreciate the dark atmosphere in this and, indeed, many other of John Carpenter's films. Sadly, he seems to have lost his touch as of late, painfully obvious in his latest film, The Ward.

But The Thing was made in his heyday, when the special effects could still gross you out. The dog splits open, for Christ's sake! And a head grows legs and turns into a giant spider thingy. Awesome!

If this film were made today, however, the first Norwegian on the scene might still have been shot (in that all-American Shoot First, Ask Questions Later! attitude) but the main objective of the team of scientists (and the trigger-happy, rough guy pilot, obviously) would be to isolate the dog or anyone suspected of being an imitation to see if this cannot be used in warfare somehow.

So a lot could have been handled better if, I dunno, the guy that figured out that one or more of the team may have been infected/imitated said something to his colleagues about it. They might have had some valuable input. As it happens, when something needs to be told they tell it to the pilot first. Why? Because he is Kurt Russell.

And a good thing too, because he does have a theory on how to test who of their group is/are affected. He knows science and medicine now! He has theories! If this were indeed made today, he probably would have been a scientist because at some point it became okay for them to be tough and sexy and bad-ass. The are also allowed to be women now! Imagine the possiblities.

I don't mean to sound like I didn't like The Thing. It did what it set out to do, which is entertain and gross out.

A friend pointed out this story to me, which tells the story from the thing's perspective.

8/10

The Frozen Dead

Oh, how I love bad horror films! This one takes the eternal baddies, the Nazis, to good use. One Dr. Norborg has been working on a secret project to revive bodies that have been frozen for up to 20 years. An interested party of two Nazi sympathizers come to have a look at the doctor's progress and are very disappointed when they learn that even though the bodies have been revived, there have been some hick-ups with the brain function.

This is demonstrated through recent failed revivals, one subject is eternally crying because his brain appears to be stuck in a sad moment of his previous life, another is constantly bouncing an invisible ball, a third - this the doctor's own brother (played by the only actor of note in the whole thing, Edward Fox) - has been rather violent since he was defrosted, constantly trying to choke people.

This brain problem is of very great concern to the visitors, as they came to inform the doctor of their plan to revive 1500 frozen heads of Nazis of prominence. They wish to see results soon and the doctor feels he will need some more time. To speed things up, the doctor's assistant stages a murder.

Let me explain. The doctor's niece Jean makes a surprise appearance with a friend. Jean is the daughter of the now violent brother. That friend is drugged by the assistant and left for the brother to choke to death. He tells the doctor that OMG! I heard a noise and came in to see your brother kill the poor girl. But wait! Don't panic! How about we cut off her head and see if we cannot revive her brain properly? Wouldn't that be awesome?

And so they do. This causes a bit of a chain reaction, because Jean is looking for her, they make up an elaborate lie of the friend having left for London on the morning train. Jean will not let go and asks uncomfortable questions. The two Nazi visitors put more pressure on the doctor to get his shit together so that they can get on with their evil plan of trying for world domination once again.

It is as ridiculous as it sounds, which is to say, quite awesome.

(see also: Nazis at the Center of the Earth, a film with similar themes)

4/10

Quicksilver Highway

A fun way to knit together a random Stephen King tale with a random Clive Barker tale is to have Christopher Lloyd tell them to strangers. Lloyd, dressed up in the weirdest garb (sort of looking like an elderly goth chic), is a traveling 'collector' (of, pretty much, every strange item and or body part you can imagine) and he chances, first, upon a new pregnant bride waiting for her husband to return from alerting someone of their car trouble (poor guy almost makes it back) and, second, to small time crook Charlie, who makes his way through an amusement park picking pockets.

First story, based on Stephen King's Chattery Teeth.
I dimly remember the story from reading it a lifetime ago. Not the best of his short stories, but by no means the worst. It is about a traveling salesman and a set of mechanical chattery teeth with legs. They are said to be old enough to still be made of metal. Our traveling salesman Bill picks up a hitchhiker against his better judgment and we all know how that ends in the hands of Mr. King. Rather than give up his money and car to the guy calling himself Bryan Adams (in a very Keyser Soze way, he had a glance at Bill's CD collection before introducing himself), Bill speeds up until the car turns over and the two are trapped - Bill because he is still strapped into his seat and cannot get the seat belt off and Bryan because he is being attacked and killed and eventually pulled off into the desert by the set of teeth.

Second story, based on Clive Barker's The Body Politic.
This is a short story from the great Books of Blood collection. A surgeon's hands decide to free themselves of the tyranny of the body and start a revolution. This means that one will chop of the other and run off to recruit other hands to join the revolution. Now, this may be the most ridiculous premise, like, Idon'tknow, ever, but let me tell you that Matt Frewer's (Max! Headroom!) hands fighting the rest of his body is fascinating to watch. There are a lot of people running around holding their stumps with their left-over hand and a lot of Thing T. Things running around, following their 'Messiah', who is the hand still attached to the surgeon.

The stories are probably better suited for something like Tales from the Crypt. Wish that still existed.

5/10

Oculus

Siblings Kaylie and Tim have been through some traumatic stuff together. When they were children, their father shot their mother and little Tim shot his dad before he could choke Kaylie to death. The very 'sick' mother had previously coked Kaylie nearly to death but - in a moment of clarity - thought better of it.

Now Tim is out of juvie (I think) and Kaylie has (re-)acquired an antique mirror that used to be in daddy's study. The mirror, of course, being the source of all evil. They team up (Kaylie's idea, Tim is not so sure) to get video prove of the evil mirror and its supernatural powers and - possibly - destroy it for good. Why they would think that they would be able to destroy it is not quite clear, since they have previously attempted to smash it with golf clubs - to no avail.

Anyway, the Tim character (grown-up Tim) walks through the entire film like a deer in headlights. The grown-up Kaylie version is very resolute and seemingly void of all emotion. That is until she kills her fiance. Or maybe not. He later walks around looking distinctly undead and may not have been there in the first place. See, the mirror has many tricks up its sleeve.

At some point the childhood story and the grown-up story merge and the little Kaylie and Tim run into big Kaylie and Tim repeatedly. It's a memory thing. I think. Who knows? It's confusing, anyway.

In the end, the contraption that is supposed to smash the mirror (yeah, right) is set in motion by Tim, who doesn't check where his sister is at this point. He has been experiencing a number of incidences that would have convinced him that things may not be what they seem and something that he is looking at may not be there after all (and vice versa). So, of course, when the would-be mirror smashing anchor (or whatever) swings down, it ends up killing Kaylie. Lapse of judgement, Tim, wasn't it?

More confusing than actually scary. You get the gist, but I'm not sure it is actually worth it.

4/10

Saw VI

This is like a family reunion! Amanda is back! Jigsaw is back! Jigsaw's (ex-)wife is in on everything! The first two are only back in flashbacks, but Jill is there to the final act, where Mark Hoffman gets his own little test.

The main attraction is an insurance honcho named William who has to work his way through a number of tests, usually involving the sacrifice of lives of people working for him. If he makes it in time, he will be reunited with his family. On the other end of his route are two cages, one holding a mother and son, the other holding an annoying journalist woman that got a little too close to a truth of some kind.

Now, we assume that the mother and son are the family in question. In reality, they are family to a deceased man, who got denied coverage of his potentially life saving treatment by William. Ultimately, these two will decide whether William lives or dies. The journalist is his sister.

Unfortunately, Mark Hoffman will probably live to see another day as a total douche bag, as his name appears in the cast list of Saw 3D and a flashback with him in it is probably too much to hope for.

Now I will have to lay the story to rest until October 10, when I have already arranged to watch the final chapter with my horror film aficionado friend.

5/10

Saw V

This may be the least exciting part in the Saw series.

Don't get me wrong, there is blood and guts a-plenty, but there is also a lot of talking. And I mean a lot. Time line wise, this is even more confusing than parts III and IV, which are happen parallel each other. This is before and alongside those two. I think.

Anyway, this is cop against cop. The not-so-nice-guy (Agent Strahm) and the I-am-so-mean-I-don't-ever-smile-(and-if-I-would-it-would-probably-be-creepy)-guy (Mark Hoffman) are kind of hunting each other. Just to be clear, Hoffman is the bad guy in this scenario. This was established at the end of part IV. I think.

While this happens, a group of people have to go through their own private hell. They only stop to figure out their connection and what Jigsaw meant to go against their instinct when it is too late for most of them. Whether or not the last one standing actually survives is not quite clear. (Also irrelevant.) An ambulance gets called on her behalf but that is the last we get on that situation. This person is played by Julie Benz.With dark hair that looks totally like a wig.

In the end, Agent Strahm is asked to trust in Jigsaw to trust him when he tells him that the only way out alive is to climb into this hear casket filled with shards of glass. Strahm, of course, hasn't learn anything from hunting the culprit(s) and - in a fight - throws his new nemesis Hoffman into said casket. Hoffman is saved, Strahm is being squashed to death.

5/10

Angustia (Anguish)

John, who lives with his overbearing mother (the incomparable Zelda Rubinstein), goes around killing people and cutting their eyes out (yes, we see that part). Apparently, his mother is the one sending him out to do so. She has some telekinetic connection with him. I think. Or maybe he is under hypnosis. In any case, nasty things are happening as a consequence.

But wait!

This is not actually the film we are watching. This is the film The Mommy, currently showing at the Rex. What we are actually watching is the people watching The Mommy.

And if that weren't meta enough (and, mind you, Anguish was made during a time when meta wasn't a thing yet), John is going to a movie theater to watch The Lost World and cut out a few eyes while he's there.

So there are shots from the back of the movie theater showing a shot of the back of a movie theater showing The Lost World. In the movie theater (the Rex. Do try to keep up.) a mad man is in attendance. He has watched The Mommy so many times, he knows the entire dialogue. Also, he is armed and shoots everyone in the lobby and the bathroom, before tying the doors to the theater shut and going back in, taking a girl hostage.

While he is doing that, John is doing the same thing. And panic breaks out in that theater at the same time as dinosaurs cause people to panic onscreen in The Lost World. And this is mirrored by people running to-and-fro in the Rex.

And of course, John will eventually end up in the film we are really watching.

Sounds confusing? It is.

4/10

100 Bloody Acres

Another film that manifests the notion that, when in the Australian outbacks, you will die in the most horrific manner. Here, it is by the hands of organic farmers, brothers Reg and Lindsay. Lindsay is the tall, older, smarter one running the show, Reg is the hapless weakling who decides to take the initiative for once. This has dire consequences for a lot of the people in this film.

Some time ago, six bodies disappeared without a trace from a traffic accident. Nearby, the organic farm produces "blood & bone fertilizer". Does anyone make the connection? Of course not.

One day, Reg is making deliveries and happens upon another bad road accident. He decides to take the unresponsive body back to the family farm for further use. On the way back he chances upon a trio of people heading for a music festival. Their car just broke down and Reg sees this as a golden opportunity to produce some extra "new bland" of fertilizer.

Does Lindsay appreciate the help when Reg gets back? No, he does not. After reprimanding him for bringing some extra problems to the farm, the two then go ahead with their production. First to go is the victim of the accident. The trio, meanwhile, is tied up and while they try to device a plan of escape, they also start fighting over a bunch of issues they have.

As with all horror comedy hostage situations, bad just goes to worse. But here, we also get a love story developing between Reg and the girl Sophie, one of the three hitchhikers and would-be victims.

There is a lot of blood and guts and a little hilarity.

4/10

Open Grave

When Sharlto Copley (whose name, turns out much much later is actually Jonah but we will go with "John Doe" for the time being) wakes up he has no clue who he is or what is going on. But that's alright, because neither do we.

And why is he in a pit full of dead people (hint: this is the open grave from the title)? This will be later explained.

Why are his joints cracking? This will not be addressed.

He digs himself out of his grave and stumbles after a Japanese woman he has seen looking over the edge. When he comes upon a house he finds a group of handsome strangers. They are not quite sure who they are, either, but they have found pictures and hints from which they have deducted their names.

One is quite handy with weaponry while another appears to be speaking several languages fluently (French, Italian, Latin). The Japanese woman, meanwhile, doesn't speak at all. The consent is that she does not know English, but later is said to be mute (but not deaf, mind you).

Piece by piece the handsome circle of, um, friends? co-workers? random strangers? start remembering out of context bits of informatiion. When put together, these probably make a pretty clear picture of what happened. But, alas, they only exchange their recollections too late in the film to be of much help.

They also get attacked by obviously sick people that like hurting themselves. One of them is entwined in a barbed wire fence and lures the weapons expert (he is there to protect the group) with cries of help. As soon as he gets the chance, however, he offs him and laughs hysterically.

Some of the locals are not sick but hurl insults at the Copey character. They are the ones that call him Jonah and tell him to get away from them with his injections. Our group of handsome survivors start doubting themselves, because everything points to them - or maybe only Jonah - having conducted some sort of experiment that caused the whole dilemma.

But, luckily, as more memories return, they are the good guys, after all. They are there to help the infected people. Alas, they failed. When some sort of (untested) medicine wears off, they start forgetting again. Rough.

As their numbers dwindle, only three scientists and the Japanese woman are left standing. When they hear the helicopters coming, they believe themselves to be safe at last. But the soldiers are their to dispose of any witnesses of the disaster. Of course they are.

John Doe/Jonah flees and hides in the - you guessed it - open grave where all the bodies get dumped. The Japanese woman is remarkably self sufficient. She escaped the soldiers unscarred and rescues him out of the pit. At this point he is back to where he started - with no memory of what happened.

Luckily, another scientist (his lover, but he has forgotten that and she is dead now) wrote him and herself a note. Unluckily, he doesn't even see it among the bodies.

Lucky for us, then, that her now-deceased off-voice reads it to us and explaines that they were there to help and the Japanese woman needs to be protected because she is immune to the plague (their words, no mine). She urges Jonah to keep up the good work.

But how will he ever know?

As ridiculous as the storyline gets at times, this is surprisingly decent. Most of all, it is well made. The sound of the joints cracking in the beginning alone is very intriguing.

Good bit of entertainment. Just don't think too hard about the little things here and there. They are inconsequential, anyway.

7/10

Day of the Animals aka Something Is Out There

In the beginning, text on screen (very helpful device) informs us that in 1974 scientists started warning about the long term effects of the damage to the ozone layer. And that "This motion picture dramatizes what COULD happen in the near future IF we continue to do nothing to stop this damage to Nature's protective shields for life on this planet."

As the story unfolds, however, I lose the connection with the implications made in that statement. See, the danger to humanity as depicted here are animals. Considering that we are animals, as well, something is very wrong with the premise. But of course, there is no point in arguing with logic in a 1970's disaster (sort of) film. The damaged ozone layer influences animal behavior and that is that.

Our group of characters is out on a hiking trip. In what appears to be the worst timing ever. As soon as they set off, there is increasing news coverage of impending danger in places of high altitude. The hikers are heading - you guessed it - up, up, up.

Soon, the first of the group is attacked and injured. Luckily, she is still fit to walk and is sent back down the hill with one of the hikers going with her. A man. For protection. As weirder and more dangerous things start to happen to the group, not least of all the ravaging of their food supply, the group splits into two teams - one headed by the guide of the expedition and the other by Leslie Nielsen.

This is Leslie Nielsen before he became a total goofball and still pulled off bad guy. He is a loudmouthed, arrogant, racists (someone had to make bad jokes about Native Americans with one of them around - for tracking, no doubt) but still manages to convince a few of the idiot hikers to go with him even further up the hill while all the others decide to go down.

It is then that Leslie Nielsen goes bat shit. And it is glorious.

People continue to die, despite the men trying to keep the womenfolk safe. The job of the female in the film is to stand in corners, shaking from fear and/or point and scream at some dangerous sight. Also, they are given ridiculous lines like, "But they're dogs... Just dogs." And when the few survivors flee from the dogs they head straight for the water, where they believe themselves safe from the dogs. Because, you know, dogs fear the water (in this version of the future). Too bad that the woman in the scene can't swim. Always need someone to save them.

How does it all end, you ask.

Why, all the animals just drop dead, of course.

4/10

La montagna del dio cannibale (Mountain of the Cannibal God)

Italian horror films of the 1970s are very entertaining once you give in to the ridiculousness of it all. This applies to Mountain of the Cannibal God as well as to any other example of the genre. Usually, there are one or two actors of international fame. In this case: Ursula Andress (yes, she will be naked at some point) and Stacy Keach.

She travels to New Guinea to look for her husband, who is lost in the jungle. Or so she claims. Her brother Arthur (one of a long list of Italian actors that always fill up all the less important roles) and her have quite a different agenda, but require the help of the rugged adventurer played by Stacy Keach - and later one Manolo that they pick up at a mission that they end up banned from. They brought sin and death with them.

Initially, they are also aided by a handful of locals that either die or run away or go to the dark side, which in this case is a cannibal tribe. The Keach character once was captured by the tribe and had to participate in their disgusting rituals. No wonder he is all emo.

Ultimately, only white people make the destination only to be captured by said tribe. While brother Arthur becomes dinner, Manolo is held captive and the Andress character is believed to be a God's wife. See, her late husband is believed to be a God and carried a photograph of the two together. He is also believed to be immortal because a Geiger counter he carried is still ticking away in lieu of his heart.

After some more unpleasantness, the two surviving Caucasians make their escape.

3/10

The Purge: Anarchy

Now that I have almost caught up on Masterchef Australia, I finally get around to watching actual films again. And already I am back to watching horror film.

This new chapter in a franchise that could probably go on forever, because - let's face it - this story could actually go anywhere (time and place). And why not, as long as it is this entertaining.

The Purge: Anarchy is set in 2023 and the setting - rather than the gated community of part one - is a big city, where a random group of strangers end up on the street together for some reason or other. First saved by a man out to take revenge on his son's killer (by car), they end up making their way through the night in unity. They have to fend off the usual suspects as well as military - because the people do not kill each other enough, therefore threatening an increase of poverty and the New Founding Fathers can't have that - only to end up in the middle of a family argument carried out with guns.

They constantly stumble from the frying pan into the fire, ending up as game for the rich and the beautiful. This time around, the government and the purgers doing their dirty work with and for them have a new opposition seeing through their tactics. And they fight back.

Although starting from the same idea as the first part, this is a very different film that may be missing the claustrophobia of the previous film but adds a number of new threats to the people who just want to make it through the night alive.

6/10

The Human Race

In the land of the deaf, the one-legged man is king.

Or something.

A group of people (I think there are about 75) are randomly picked up from some random street corner in some random town and find themselves in a gated area. They each hear their own voice in their heads telling them to start running and follow the arrows. Also, make sure to not step on the grass because you will be killed. Don't try to escape because then you will be killed. Make sure you are not too slow because if someone overlaps you - yes, you guessed it - you will be killed.

We are supposed to care for a few of these people while others are not given any traits at all. We are not even sure how many there were to begin with, anyway, and most of these people we will not miss.

The film starts off with a very mean little twist. Pre-credits we are introduced to Veronica, who sits by her dying sister's bedside and later gets diagnosed with the same for of leukemia she lost the little girl to. But she won't let it bring her down and starts getting really active, running at night and all, and despite the initial bad prognosis she is actually on the way to recovery.

Then, when at the game (for it is a game), the first she (or anybody) does is....step on the grass. Apparently, she is not the main character after all.

Then....restart.

This time we see two soldiers in the desert. One is practically carrying the other, who has lost a leg. Jump to a few years later and one of them (he who is in one piece) is working with disabled kids (he knows sign language, which will come in handy later) while the other (the one-legged one) gets drunk and has a string of one night stands. Together, they end up in the game as well. Should we care for these two? As they are there are no more back stories coming we can take it as a sign that yes, yes we should.

We do briefly meet two runners, both deaf, as well.

So, the crowd starts moving and whenever someone gets killed, you own voice in your head will give you the current total of survivors. This is very exciting for the two deaf people, who hear anything for the first time.

What follows is running, some unity while the group might actually try to stick together to save an elderly man who simply is unable to run and is about to be overtaken. Of course, there will be a few loners that only look out for themselves. One of them (bad guy in yellow shirt) just runs off. Old guy's head explodes.

From then on it's anybody for themselves (more or less).

Towards the end, deaf boy is trying to get into deaf girl's pants, with everybody about to die and all, but she makes it very clear that he is in the friend zone. This causes a bad rift between the two, some unwanted fondling and a push onto the grass.

The last two people standing are the deaf girl and the guy with one leg. There is an initial idea for the two to not hurt each other, but the girl has obviously gone round the bend (and who wouldn't?) and pushes him onto the grass, as well. However, he manages to move back to safer ground by only walking on his crutches and never touching the grass with his one remaining leg. He comes back and kills her.

And then....

They had to go and ruin a perfectly average film by making the game the work of some alien race that is going through different species from different planets and having the survivors of each group then move on to the next contest, this time all winners against each other.

Just....no.

2/10