They live in a town so boring that apparently the only interesting thing to do is make out on the cemetery. Well, people Jody's age do. Mike is only 13, so all he ever does is run after Jody. He must be a pretty fast runner, too, as he frequently turns a corner on foot after Jody just arrived by car. The kid should join the track team.
One night when Jody makes out with a random chick on top of a grave (like you do) and Mike is hiding in the bushes watching (like you do), a midget in a monk's outfit starts hunting Mike, who runs off in total panic. That night he has nightmares about the caretaker of the funeral home attached to the cemetery ("the tall man" ooooohhhh). What does he do? Yes, he goes right back to the funeral home to further investigate. By himself. At night.
Not very surprisingly, he runs into the tall man, but narrowly escapes and slams a door onto the pursuing man's hand. Then he cuts off the fingers (boy, that knife must be sharp, slicing right through the bones and all in one swift move). The fingers bleed yellow ooze. Why? Why cares?
He brings home a finger as evidence to show to his idiot brother. The finger turns into a huge fly (I think), that looks very much like it's made from plastic and ends up in the garbage disposal (twice, because it survives the first round through the deadly blades. Jody arms his little bro with a shotgun, tells him to stay put, arms himself and heads off to the cemetery. By himself. At night.
In the funeral home he gets attacked by a midget in a monk's outfit and shoots it from the weirdest angles. When he runs off (middle of the road, of course) he is followed and almost run over (standing there in the middle of the road) by a car. Then Mike comes along in the brothers' car (didn't listen, did he?) to rescue Jody. They drive off and get followed by the mystery car again, but Jody shoots it up and it drives right into a tree. They immediately run to the car even though they have not seen anyone drive and because, well, they are idiots trying desperately to run into open knives whenever possible. There the see another midget (come to think of it, we have never seen more than one midget in any scene up to this point so it could still just be the one...there will be more together later, though) and Jody pulls the hood off to discover that it has the head of his late friend (who was killed while making out in the cemetery, btw).
Jody concludes from this alone that there must be a grave robber about, recruiting an army of killer midgets or something - the tall man! He also starts fantasizing about killing him in the most brutal way(s) he can think of. Then their friends (or random people they hang out with and demand rides home from) start getting killed by the midgets, who for some reason never go for the idiot brothers, even tough they are begging for it.
Later (the same night?) Jody locks little Mike in his room (for his own good, of course), but the kid breaks out after channeling MacGuyver (one bullet and what looks like a tiny bit of silver attached to a hammer with scotch tape, all lying around in his room) only to encounter the tall man right outside the house. His fingers have grown back, too! Mike is thrown into the hears, but shoots his way out and jumps out of the moving vehicle before it crashes (and immediately explodes, as cars in film often do). Could this be the end of the tall man?
Meanwhile Jody is at the funeral home checking on his deceased friend's body. He opens the coffin lid theatrically and than drops it again without looking, willing himself to believe that "he has to be in there". In the next scene Mike comes upon the coffin with Jody nowhere to be seen. The coffin - to nobody's surprise but Mike's - is empty. Then some metallic ball with claws, that we have briefly seen kill some random person before, comes at Mike, but look! there is Jody blasting the thing with one expert shot. What does this guy do for a living, anyway? How does he support himself and his little brother. They are joined by Jody's friend the ice cream car guy. Don't ask.
Together they open "the door" to "the room" (white, well-lit) with "the barrels" in it. The barrels have small openings to look into and then comment, "Gee. Dwarves." Jody sounds actually amazed at this, even though he has previously presented a grave-robbing, dwarf-breeding theory. And then, Behold! a porthole to another dimension right there in the room. Mike gets sucked into it and ends up in a windy desert with red sky and a conga line of dwarfs ("Slaves!"). Jody pulls him back out by the belt.
At this point the lights go out. Then the dwarfs attack. The Jody runs around the house screaming for his brother (did he check inside the room?). Then the lights come back on inside the room but now it's just the ice cream truck guy who thinks the metal rods that mark the entrance to another world are a tuning fork. When he touches them, a heavy wind starts inside and out. Inside the barrels get sucked into the porthole. Outside Mike (his hair blowing dramatically in the wind) is screaming for Jody. Also, randomly, the girl that Jody made out with much earlier, who was about to stab Jody when the wind started, is lying on the ground. When ice cream truck guy chances upon her and tries to help her, she lackadaisically stabs him instead. But wait! The girl is the tall man! After the poor guy dies, the funeral home disappears into thing air.
I am not making this up.
The idiot brothers drive home, because they "can't help him. He's dead!" In the driveway Jody starts philosophizing about a mine shaft going 1,000 feet down. Apparently he plans to throw the tall man down it. Never mind that he was supposed to have died in the fiery car crash earlier. I'm sure dropping him into a mine shaft will take care of him. Off he goes to camouflage the mine shaft. Mike is again told to stay in the house. Now guess where the tall man shows up next.
Foot chase! Headstones popping up out of the ground! A sink hole! The girl is back! Ominous music! More running (now apparently towards the mine shaft)! Now it's the tall man again! Mike jumps over camouflaged mine shaft (that he saw in the middle of the night, no doubt)! Tall man falls into mine shaft! Jody pushes big ass stones (that he would not be able to move an inch in real life) towards the mine shaft (and not one misses and they do not appear to fall 1,000 feet down, either)!
What the hell? Why is the ice cream truck guy back? Mike was dreaming all along? Seriously???
Where is the big final scare?
Oh. There it is.
1/10
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