Natural Selection

A devout Christian woman, Linda, lives in a sexless marriage with her husband Abe. It is his believe that sex is only for reproductive purposes and Linda is barren because of an abortion she had at 16. The father of that child would have been Abe.

While Linda practices abstinence (not necessarily voluntarily), her husband secretly goes off to donate sperm on a regular basis - and has been doing so for the entirety of their marriage. The reason she finds out is when Abe has a heart attack? aneurysm? while 'donating'. In a moment of consciousness, he mumbles something to Linda that she interprets as his wish to see his illegitimate son Raymond.

Linda takes off to Florida to find him and believes that she does. In fact, she picks up a recently escaped small time crook, who is laying low at Raymond's house and when the cops come to call he decides to go with Linda to meet his 'biological father'. He does, of course, try to take off at the first opportunity. However, this fake Raymond is somewhat stupid and passes out in some road house bathroom while someone else takes off with Linda's car.

Linda, all forgiveness, decides to continue on their journey. The start talking and telling each other intimate secrets and, yes, fall for each other. This leads to sex, during which the local pastor bursts in, trying to save Linda from what he perceives is an assault. And Raymond is off again.

In the meantime, Abe has somewhat recovered and the couple returns to their uneventful life until it turns out that Linda is not so barren after all. This leads to more complications.

Despite the somewhat disturbing looking poster, this has its sweet moments. I couldn't help myself but root for poor Linda.

6/10

Bernie

If there ever was a role written for Jack Black, Bernie is it.

This is based on the true story of a well-liked small town mortician and his unusual friendship with a mean old woman.

Nobody likes old Mrs. Nugent. Everybody loves Bernie, who was involved in most local activities and took it upon himself to visit newly widowed little old ladies a few days after officiating over their deceased husband's funerals. One of those widows was Mrs. Nugent, loathed by everyone. She took a shine to Bernie, who appeared to be the only one to be nice to her and give her the time of day.

The friendship that sprung from his initial visit took him around the world with her money and gave him a taste of the good life. All the townsfolk maintained that he was simply being the nicest guy in the world and were impressed by how he could even stand her.

Then, one day, after Mrs. Nugent became more and more possessive of Bernie's time and jealous of his activities, he shot her and dumped her in the freezer. And there she stayed for 9 months while Bernie spun a tale of a series of strokes and a prolonged stay at a hospital and/or old people's home.

Of course, he did eventually get caught and despite confessing to the crime, the people in the small town wanted nothing more than see him go free. So much so that the DA had the trial moved to another county to get his conviction of a life sentence.

Peppered with interview sequences with the townsfolk to give it more of a real feeling and as realistic as can be with the way the everyday Texan people are made to look.

You see the real Bernie talking with Jack Black during the end credits.

Nice.

5/10

Enter Nowhere

What a shame. This film could have been so much better had the acting been up to par. The story itself is quite unique.

Three strangers end up in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Samantha was out in the woods looking for her husband who went for help when their car broke down. She thinks it is 1962 and they are somewhere in New Hampshire. Jodie just robbed a gas station and shot the attendant, but her boyfriend threw her out of the car after a fight. She has no idea how she ended up in the cabin. She thinks it is 1984 and they are in Wisconsin. Tom got stranded after he ran his car into a ditch. For him it is 2011 and South Dakota.

No matter which direction they are heading, they always come back to the cabin. This will come in handy when Tom has a Eureka! moment that comes in the form of  Pac Man! (You had to have been there...)

Bit by bit they start piecing little bits of information together until they come to the understanding that Samantha, whose father died in WW II during an air raid, is pregnant with Jodie. She is to die in childbirth. Jodie will become pregnant later that year (her year, that is), even though she never wanted a child. She also gets caught for shooting the gas station attendant. She is sentenced to death and executed in a South Dakota prison eight month after giving birth to Tom. Then a German soldier shows up. This is Samantha's father and the trio decides that they must save him to have their lives turn out differently.

They do (save him) and they do (turn out differently).

As I said, the acting is rather poor. Also, I am sure a young German actor would have been available to portray the German soldier. Granted, they man playing the part speaks decent enough German but there is the classic English/American accent. Fortunately, you can feast your eyes on Scott Eastwood, very obviously the son of Clint.

6/10

A Lonely Place to Die

I didn't read up on what this film was about. So at first glance, it looked like a climbing movie (*snore*). What with the title and all, I expected an accident that would leave one climber alone stuck somewhere on a mountain range.

Luckily, this is not what happens.

A group of mountaineers (five to begin with) are out in the Scottish highlands when they stumble upon a little girl that has been kidnapped and kept inside a box underground. They take the girl with them and while a couple head off to take a precarious but short route to the nearest hamlet, the others go off with the girl. Unfortunately for all, the kidnappers are already hot on their heals and have no qualms about killing them off one by one. And this they do.

The kidnappers apparently have been in the business of abducting young children from out of state and making millions off of their parents. Here they are about to meet with a negotiator speaking for the girl's father, when their bargain chip gets snatched up, so their problems are multiple. Nevertheless, they still try to pull off the money handover (without having anything to trade in for it).

In the end, the girl is save (of course, she is), the last remaining heroine is on her way to the hospital and the one surviving kidnapper is captured himself and gets some hands-on treatment from the girl's father and his henchmen.

Quite exciting with casualties falling left and right.

6/10

Margin Call

This is about financial crisis hitting a big wall street company. Most of it happens during two days, starting with some major downsizing happening, than a rocket scientist (no, really) figuring out that something has been going very wrong lately and is about to hit the company in a big way, the ones earning the really big bucks dusting themselves off by distributing their potential losses down to their buyers and then they all suck it up for a few months and go back to business as usual.

Sounds dry?

Well, it could be with the financial humbug that none of the so-called 'little' people don't understand (this means the average movie goer). Luckily, the cast in Margin Call is stellar and makes this much more interesting than one might expect.

And when I say stellar I mean it.

Here are Kevin Spacey, Paul Bettany, Zachary Quinto, Simon Baker, Jeremy Irons and Stanley Tucci. I love every single one of these men individually and love them even more in an ensemble. There is also Demi Moore, who is brilliant in her own right, of course, but my love for her is limited.

You know what else? This is a directorial (feature length) debut. J. C. Chandoor had one short film to his credit before this and has since made the equally impressive All Is Lost.

Bonus - beautiful shots of New York City by night.

8/10

You're Next

The film begins with sex. Of course. Afterwards, while the young woman walks through the house wearing next to nothing and puts on some music, she feels like she is being watched. But, cool as she is, she does not panic, has a drink and...gets killed. The man, getting out of the shower and - you guessed it - wearing next to nothing picks up the half finished drink before noticing that across his wide windows someone wrote 'You're Next' in his girlfriends blood with the girlfriend lying dead on the porch.

The story, however, is about this guy's neighbors, if you want to call them that. These are weekend homes and there are stretches of wood in between them. Anyway, Paul and Abrey are celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. They are joined by their four grown children with their significant others in the massive house. Obviously, this is a very well-off couple. Over dinner, the kids start arguing and while they go at each other, the daughter's boyfriend gets up and walks to the window to have a closer look at something he say outside and gets shot in the head with an arrow. Then more arrows keep flying through the window and eveyone panics (cue very shaky camera work, which I am not a fan of).

Most of what follows is a group of culprits wearing animals masks trying to kill the family members off one by one, using seemingly every possible weapon other than fire arms (crossbow, axe, machete). As the family is trying to gather their collective marbles, one of the son's girlfriend - an Australian girl named Erin - takes matters into her own hands and puts measures of self preservation into action. Apparently, she grew up in a sort of survivalist camp in the Outbacks and knows how to put a cleaver to good use.

The resentments within the family lead to some hilarious conversations (and the laughs produced are planed for and not accidental) and at some point one gets the feeling someone inside the house must have some involvement in what is perspiring. And one is right.

Amidst all the carnage, Crispian (the son who brought the Australian girlfriend) runs off to 'get help' and after Erin has finished off each and every attacker (and son Felix and girlfriend Zee, after overhearing them talking about an inheritance and how this all should have gone down way easier than it is happening), Felix' phone rings and Erin picks it up without saying anything. The caller is Crispian asking whether it is all finished and it is ok for him to come back in. When he does he realizes that he has been talking to Erin and explains to her that the idea was that she would be the innocent bystander attesting to a group of lunatics randomly killing off the rest of the family (and - to make the story more sound - kill off a couple of neighbors, as well) and Felix and Crispian would split the inheritance. He apologizes and notes that nobody expected her to be so good at killing people and promises her vacations and money, money, money. She is having none of it, of course.

The ending of the film is hilarious.

8/10

Livide (Livid)

Huh?

I don't get it.

Are they vampires? And why can Anna fly?

Why are the French trying so hard to confuse the rest of the world?

2/10  

The Oranges

Two families living opposite each other in small town New Jersey have been best friends forever and live the typical suburban life, the men walking/running together every day, leading the local Christmas carol group and such.

When Terry and Cathy's estranged daughter Nina returns home after breaking up with Ethan (much to Cathy's joy), things get complicated. Because rather than taking up with the neighbor's son Toby, Nina cozies up with Toby's dad David. They are found out right before they shack up in a local motel. After many apologies and some serious talking, David and Nina decide that they want to continue their affair, despite all the problems it causes for everyone involved.

Then Ethan shows up and camps on David's front lawn to win Nina back. Things finally come to blows on Christmas, when Terry and Cathy invite David's wife Paige over because she moved to a B&B and they have not seen her in a while. But when she gets there she starts running her car into her husband's Christmas decoration and nearly runs him over, as well.

In the end, Nina breaks up with David and Ethan and everyone else tries to get on with their lives.

The cast was more exciting than the film itself.

4/10

The Awakening

Florence Cathcart exposes hoaxes dealing with ghosts and writes books about it. One day she is asked to come to a school for boys haunted by one little boy, that appears to some of the children there with twisted face, scaring the boys. So much so that one died from an asthma attack.

She sets up all sorts of machines and means of proving that the 'ghost' is only boys playing pranks. When the school closes down for a week, only a few personnel and one boy, Thomas, stay behind with Florence. That is when things get really creepy. Florence starts seeing the ghost and at the same time remember all sorts of things, like a broken statue or a single shoe.

Turns out she is the most traumatized of them all, having grown up in the house the school is in, where - as a young girl - witnessed her father shooting her mother, who couldn't give him a son, and then coming after the little girl but in the end killing his bastard son, instead. That son turns out to be Thomas.

Florence's visit had been orchestrated by Tom's mother who worked for Florence's family back in the day and stayed in the house to work for the school, as well. Her idea was for Florence and Thomas to be together again, so the boy won't be so lonely.

Creepy with a gothic look to it. Too bad I don't like Rebecca Hall, which made the viewing experience less enjoyable. Luckily, this features also Dominic West, Imelda Staunton and the wonderful but underrated Shaun Dooley. Thomas is played by Isaac Hempstead Wright (of Game of Thrones fame).

5/10

Jeff, Who Lives at Home

Slacker Jeff lives in his mother's basement, waiting for a sign. He imagines the signs to appear and tell him what to do, because he has watched the film Signs. Repeatedly.

So, on one particular day, when someone calls the house looking for a Kevin, Jeff believes that this is what he has been waiting for. He is supposed to get glue to fix his mother's shutters but gets distracted by a guy in a basketball jersey with the name Kevin on it. From there he follows the Kevins he sees (on a candy deliver truck, say) while at the same time, together with his brother Pat, trying to find out whether Pat's wife Linda is having an affair.

Their mother has her own awkward day in the office when a 'secret admirer' contacts her via instant message. After lots of confusion Jeff and Pat are in a cab following Linda's car and end up in the same traffic jam as the mother, who is about to go to New Orleans on a whim with the admirer. While they are all waiting for an accident to be cleared up, Jeff has an epiphany and runs to the sight of the accident and jumps in the water to help a family whose car has gone over the side of the bridge. He saves two little girls and their father named - wait for it - Kevin.

Nice little movie, even for someone (like myself) who does not get the infatuation with Jason Segel.

6/10

Blitz

Jason Statham is a one-trick pony. This time around he plays a cop (a rogue one, obviously) and does what he always does, no matter what side of the law he may be on in any particular role. He beats people up with a hurling stick, he bends the law at his pleasure, he releases angry dogs at someone he doesn't like, he chases after the baddie on foot and he even smokes in non smoking areas (imagine!)..."What are you gonna do? Shoot me?"

However, if you put Jason Statham in a cop movie and surround him with real actors you might actually get a decent film out of it. Decent enough, this is. Thanks to the likes of Paddy Considine, Aiden Gillen and David Morrissey.

The story...there is a guy going around killing cops (or "pigs" as he likes to call him) and law enforcement just can't nail him for it. Oh, they know who it is and they do get him into custody but have nothing concrete to hold him on. What is more, the guy is a total asshole and attention whore. So much so that he contacts a journalist to give him exclusives on the killings, probably just so that he can read about himself in the papers. And the name "Blitz" (as in Blitzkrieg)? He coined that himself.

But the local cops will get him eventually. If they cannot make any charges stick they will just have to take him out and put the blame on - wait for it - the cop killer that they cannot prove he is.

6/10

W. E.

Oooh! What pretty clothes! What pretty jewels! And such nice slow motion shots!

Well....the acting is quite good, actually.

Overall, Madonna's vanity project (not my words, but many a critic's) is way too hectic to tell a decent story. It does try to with the current day story of Wally, neglected wife by her doctor husband. She is strangely obsessed with the love story of King Edward and Wallis Simpson, as her mother and grandmother were before her. So much so that she will eventually go to Paris to meet with Mohamed Al-Fayed because he has hundreds of letters written by Wallis Simpson that she simply must! read! The scene of the actual first meeting is somewhat ridiculous. She tells him she wants to know what she gave up for him, as everyone else was so interested in what he gave up for her. Al-Fayed then does the classic, I-never-thought-of-if-that-way line.

*eye-roll*

The story of Edward and Wallis is told so fitfully it does not even tell a comprehensive story. It only shows parties and paparazzi and desperate looking people. To me, this would have been the more interesting  tale because it has the potential of being a tragedy worth telling.

But, oh what pretty clothes!

4/10

Anonymous

So, according to this film by Roland Emmerich (and from what I understand it reflects Emmerich's beliefs) William Shakespeare's plays where actually written by Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford, played by Rhys Ifans (in a surprisingly good performance, I only remember ever seeing him play idiots and druggies).

When the Earl solicits a lesser known playwright to stage plays that he actually wrote himself, the man agrees to do so. The play bill fails to mention any author name. When the performance is a great success and the audience cries for the playwright to come out on stage to be celebrated, the rather dimwitted William Shakespeare, an actor himself and always slightly drunk, hogs the spotlight and takes his bows.

Shakespeare is portrayed by Rafe Spall. This may actually be my favorite performance of the film, which is heavily populated by many a brilliant actor. One other wonderful portrayal is that of the (old) Queen Elizabeth I, by the great Vanessa Redgrave. Her younger self is played by her daughter Joely Richardson.

The film jumps back and forth in time, showing the story of the plays and the (alleged) rouse as well as Edward de Vere's younger years, during which he had an affair and a child with Queen Elizabeth I.

Do I believe that the story as told here has any merit? Not really. Do I care that Emmerich's (and the film's screen writer's) beliefs are probably wrong? Nope. The film is entertaining enough the way it is. You get war and intrigues, illicit affairs spawning bastards and the literary society in uproar.

7/10

Intouchables (The Intouchables)

This is the true story of (very) rich Philippe, who broke two cervical vertebrae when paragliding and spends his days in a wheelchair and being cared for by a collection of employees. When the need for a new medical assistant arises, rather than pick someone with any experience in the medical film, Philippe hires Driss, who is fresh out of jail and only came for a signature to not lose his unemployment benefits.

What Driss has over all the other applicants is a devil-may-care attitude and a lust for life that Philippe desperately needs. The young man is from the suburbs and used to having to share quarters with numerous family member. Now he finds himself in an expensive town vila with - best of all - his own bathtub.

After the initial fascination with Philippe's condition (once Driss pours hot water over Philippe's legs because he can't quite believe that it doesn't hurt him at all), the two men develop a friendship that lasts until this day. The real life duo is shown right before the end credits.

Funny and heart warming.

8/10

The Innkeepers

Yet another ghost story.

With the owner of the Yankee Pedlar Inn vacationing in Barbados, two employees are left to man the front desk of the place in its final days. Both, Claire and Luke, are interested in ghosts and on a mission to record the sounds of one Madeline O'Malley, who is said to haunt the inn ever since she was killed and hidden in the basement.

Over the course of the last two days a total of four guests are in the house, a disgruntled mother with her young son, a former actress turned 'healer' and an old man insisting on renting a room on the already stripped third floor.

While Luke is off sleeping, Claire records the sound of a piano playing by itself, sees a disfigured ghost in a wedding gown and sits with the healer who warns her not to go into the basement. So, of course, Claire and Luke eventually explore the basement. Luke, who told of Madeline sightings before, freaks out and runs off. He also admits that he made everything up. This means that Claire is the only one to have seen the ghost of Madeline, apparently.

After she finds the old man dead of suicide, she runs off....and ends up in the basement once more where she is haunted now by not one but two ghosts, as the old guy has joined in the fun. She dies and Luke later finds her inhaler at the bottom of the stairs.

Most of this happens in the second half of the film. If you wonder what was going on in the first half - I honestly couldn't say. Basically, the film kicks off about 50 minutes in.

*shrug*

3/10

Butter

US State Fairs are wondrous and exciting things. Of course, one wants to be the one to represent one's county at the State Fair in the butter carving contest. I understand this.

I have been to the Iowa State Fair in the year 1990 (yes, a long time ago) and I generally like films set in places I have been - here, besides the Fair itself we also have a car dealership in Iowa Falls. I lived a 20 minute drive from Iowa Falls! OMG!

...

(C'mon, now! Calm down!)

...

Right, Butter.

In the Midwest, people value family and the little joys in life - like winning the regional butter carving contest. Professional wife Laura Pickler (Jennifer Garner) is not at all happy with the committee's decision that her husband Bob (Ty Burrell), the carving champion for 15 years running, will be kept out of the competition and is supposed to be 'promoted' to judge status.

Laura is not one to take this lying down and takes matters or, rather, butter into her own hands and plans to keep the crown in the family, when out of nowhere this little foster child Destiny, who appears to be a natural in sculpting butter, comes to compete with her. Destiny is backed by her new foster parents (Rob Dorddry and Alicia Silverstone) and Bob's discarded lover/pole dancer Brooke (Olivia Wilde). Not even lies and manipulation, all courtesy of Laura's car dealer/lap dog (Hugh Jackman), can keep young Destiny from beating Laura.

Kinda cute.

6/10

The Interrupters

This documentary shows a year in the streets of Chicago, among some of the desperate youths and the people trying to talk them down when they are about to erupt into violence.

The task the members of the CeaseFire initiative (aka Violence Interrupters) put upon themselves is a heroic one - and a constant uphill battle. Nearly all of them know what it is like to be in these young people's shoes and nearly all of them have done prison time, for crimes varying from hold ups to murder. So when they speak to the kids, they absolutely know what they are talking about. They get right into the middle of arguments that threaten to turn violent and possibly deadly and try to talk sense into everyone involved.

But that is not where the job ends.

They help out and speak at vigils and funerals, using all platforms to transport there message of non violence, telling potential killers to be the bigger person and walk away. The group is respected in the community and kids will listen to them at times. They get in touch with families of murdered youths to mourn with them or provide a shoulder to cry on. They assist with community projects that provide healthy environments for children and are simply there when someone needs to talk.

Such bravery and dedication.

The film was directed by Steve James, who also made the lauded Hoop Dreams, that many people believe was robbed of a best documentary Oscar. This strong piece of film making wasn't even nominated, which raised a lot of eyebrows.

I watched this with a lump in my throat throughout. It ends with a Solomon Burke song, very fittingly called 'Don't Give Up On Me'.

9/10

Elevator

Nine people get stuck in an elevator when a stupid, arrogant little brat (grandpa's little princess) decides to "accidentally" push the emergency stop button because one of the other people in the elevator is claustrophobic (and, also, an asshole).

The dynamics in the group are grounds for conflict.

(1) the little brat
(2) the elderly rich guy, grandfather to said little girl, building owner
(3) the claustrophobic comedian, racist
(4) the security guy of Iranian origin, victim of racism
(5) the overweight company guy, working for (2)
(6) a young blonde, pregnant with the child of
(7) a young, handsome hot shot company guy, working for (2)
(8) his fiance, journalist
(9) an elderly lady, husband killed himself over money he lost thanks to (7) and (2)

Lady number (9) carries a bomb upon her body. Her plan was to 'make a statement' by blowing herself up at the party held in honor of the big cheese. Getting stuck in the elevator was not part of the plan and makes the situation all the more disagreeable for everyone involved. She eventually dies of a (stress-induced, one assumes) heart attack but not before alerting everyone about the bomb issue.

Accusations fly. They pull together to try and escape and just when they are about to catch a break, the stupid brat decides to frantically push the buttons again, causing the elevator to drop a few stories and ripping off the arm of heroic (7). Thanks to the journalist ladies and modern technology, they broadcast their ordeal and try to get help asap.

Most, but not all, get out alive.

3/10

Babycall (The Monitor)

Noomi Rapace as Anna, an overprotective mother gone off the rails. She has a restraining order against her ex-husband, who tried to throw their son Anders out the window. Or so she claims.

Anna and Anders live in a non-descript apartment complex in a non-descript town and the mother is in a state of constant panic. She only befriends Helge, who works in an electronics store where Anna purchases a baby monitor to always keep track of her 8-year-old son.

In the end, everything was totally different from what we thought - and from what Helge thought happened.

It's a strange one. Set up as a thriller/horror film, it is not really all that horrifying (for someone like me, who watches a lot of horror films). There is some element of tension, especially before we learn what was really going on.

Unfortunately, the idea is much better than the execution. Even with Noomi Rapace carrying the film.

3/10

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Two warnings about this film:

1) The book Salmon Fishing in the Yemen was dreadfully uneventful.
2) The film is directed by Lasse Hallström, who is not known for fast-paced filmmaking.

Thankfully, there is Kristin Scott Thomas to lighten the mood a bit becasue, quite frankly, without her there would be barely any sort of comic relief in this.

Admittedly, I barely remember the novel (tried to forget it, really). For example, I cannot remember an attempt on the Sheik's life in the book. I don't think the literary Alfred saved anybody's life.

Nothing to write home about, this.

On the plus side (besides Ms. Scott Thomas), the film features some nice scenery and Conleth Hill, whom you might know as Lord Varys in Game of Thrones.

2/10