Capricorn One

In the 1970's everything was a conspiracy.

One of the classic conspiracy theories and one of the more persistent ones is that the moon landing was a hoax, a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. French director William Karel took this story and made the mockumentary Opération Lune (Dark Side of the Moon) in 2002. Of course, as many people do not understand satire, many a conspiracy theorist thought this only proved them right.

Capricorn One was inspired by all of the moon landing hoax stories. The destination this time is planet Mars. Mere seconds before a crew of three astronauts it to take off, they are led from their aircraft Capricorn One and brought before Dr. Kelloway, who explains to them that the life support system installed in Capricorn One is faulty and the flight would be too big a risk for them. However, blowing off the mission is not an option, as the funding for the space program is in jeopardy and the general interest in space travel has been waning for some time now. So, everyone is led to believe that the mission went ahead as planned.

Even ground control is unaware of what is happening. One technician reports wrong readings with his terminal. He became suspicious when the TV feed reached his station before the feed from the aircraft, which is of course impossible. He discusses this with his reporter friend Caulfield (Elliot Gould, appearing to replay his role of Philip Marlowe) and when Caulfield tries to follow up with him, the technician has simply disappeared.

The astronauts are kept in hiding for months until the originally scheduled landing of Capricorn One. The plan is to have the capsule land off course to give the people in the know an excuse for not having a live feed and time enough to retrieve the trio. Unfortunately, the aircraft loses its heat protecting shield on re-entry and burns up. This means that officially the astronauts must have died during the incident. When the three realize what has happened and consequently fear for their lives during the extended cover up scheme, they hi-jack a plane and take off, due to lack of fuel in the middle of the desert. To increase their chances of making it back to civilization before being found by the puppet masters of the operation, they take off into different directions, while unmarked helicopters comb the desert in search of them.

Meanwhile, their families mourn their losses and attend memorial services. And Caulfield is the only one, who believes that something is not quite right and goes off into the desert to search for the astronauts himself. He hires a small airplane with pilot and actually finds one of them, Chales Brubaker, the only one who managed to avoid being captured.

Their only chance of survival at this point is to make a very public appearance. They do so by showing up at a very public memorial service, skipping in slo-mo.

7/10

Pretty Maids All in a Row

This film about a high school football coach sleeping with and killing female students starts off with a

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!

Murder victim number one is apparently best remembered for being such a 'terrific little cheerleader'. She is found in a boy's toilet with a note stuck to her butt by fellow student Ponce de Leon Harper (yes!).

But that is the least of Ponce's problems. What really troubles this young man are his constant erections. When he confides in the coach (who is also vice principal, English teacher and some sort of counselor) he misunderstands and thinks he actually suffers from erectile dysfunction. Coach then asks sexy substitute teacher Miss Smith to take it upon herself to help the boy. This then leads to Ponce and Miss Smith having an affair (of course). It is also Ponce that discovers a vital piece of evidence in Coach's room - a recording of a 'session' he has with one of the female students.

For all the murder going on, the film is actually funny at times. If you get around to ever seeing it watch out for the principal's secretary. She is hilarious!

I love 1970's films! The clothes! The pornstaches! Telly Savalas! Rock Hudson!

7/10

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Several of my friends told me that this particular Bond film is excellent. I don't agree. There are just two many things that bothered me.

First of all, George Lazenby. I understand that he was the most sought after male model for several years in the 1960s and has some martial arts skills. He certainly looks the part. My issue? I don't like his voice. Stupid, I know, but there you are.

Then, there are a few things about the setting, and some bits and pieces.

James Bond frequently speaks to himself - in the most arrogant and pompous manner imaginable. Also, we are led to believe that he is very much in love with Tracy (Diana Riggs, soon to be Queen of Thorns in Game of Thrones). Yet, he will sleep with every woman that crosses his path (see: Angels of Death).

The Angels of Death are a group of brainwashed beauties that über-culprit Blofeld experiments on to find a way to eliminate any species (plant, animal, whatever) if he so choses. This is what he intends to dangle over NATO's head, as he so conveniently explains in details to James Bond. Yes, and why do James Bond villains do that, explain their plans to the opponent?

But let's return to the Angels of Death for a minute. There is a scene with all of them - and an undercover James Bond - having dinner, each one only one type of food, all meat, all potatoes, all corn. So far, so weird. The Chinese woman in the group eats, yes, rice. The Indian eats naan. And the Jamaican eats...wait for it...bananas. WTF? You try putting that in a film nowadays.

Later, after an exciting escape from a hilltop, the inevitable car chase. Tracy and Bond get followed by a group of baddies. Both cars end up in the middle of a stock car competition (you know, like you do) and they go faster than all the other cars (like you do). The bad guys shoot out of the window at the Tracy/Bond vehicle - that is, the right window. Never mind that the car they are trying to hit is to their left.

When leaving the race, Bond says, "I told you that crowd will discourage them." What? How were they discouraged? They fucking shot at you with hundreds of people around!

Redeeming features?

Telly Savalas is my favorite Blofeld yet. And one of the Angels of Death is Joanna Lumley.

3/10