Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

This is so disgusting. There is, however, one reason to watch this (well, at least reason enough for me) and that is: Henry Rollins!

The premise is a reality TV show. Because, of course it is. The goal is to be the last man/woman standing after five days in a post apocalyptic world and most of it is scripted. So much for the 'reality' part. The contestants are an assortment of failures: a would-be athletes, 'actresses', an idiot skateboarder named Jonesy and a woman with military education. She, of course, is a tough lesbian. Because cliché. Not that it is going to help her any in the long run.

How this Jonesy character made it for as long as he did is beyond me. He should have been killed off much earlier than he was, for being annoying if not for anything else.

So, the cast and crew get killed and possibly eaten one by one. That is the plot.

The difference to part one is that we get to really take a close look at the deformed killers. We even witness one of them give birth. Also, we see two of them having sex (as if anybody needed to see that).

The baddies do get killed more efficiently here, thanks to a stack of dynamite that Henry Rollins chances upon. Since flying meat and spraying blood is not gross enough, however, the last two remaining get hacked to pieces by a machine that can handily dub as a meat grinder.

Did I say last two? I meant of course the last two to tie up the story nicely, before we get the final horror film classic open end shot of someone (something) giving the deformed newborn a cut-off finger to suck on.

As for Henry Rollins...Henry Rollins is a fucking one man army! Bad ass until the end. His end, that is. So much blood. So much blood.

3/10

Wrong Turn

I have so many questions.

Like, why would you linger in a house that is clearly inhabited by, at the very least, serial killers? Get the hell out of there!

Why don't you hide in the vast woods all around you (for miles and miles and miles) but chose to stay in plain sight for as long as possible?

How does anybody find anyone in those big ass woods? Ever?

Where do I know this Carly from? (The Mentalist. I looked it up.)

How did Desmond Harrington end up in this?

The story is as obvious as can be in a mediocre horror film. Young, attractive people stuck in the middle of the West Virginia woods. They chance upon a cabin (imagine!), where they find a number of very disturbing pieces of body parts, collected in various jars. They hide under beds, in store rooms, etc. and have to fight to keep quiet while witnessing their friend getting cut into pieces by inbred hillbillies. They flee (but not into the woods, mind you) and the villains catch up with them again and again, while the young, attractive people get killed one by one. Jeremy Sisto actually gets a nice Boromir send-off.

The prettiest boy and girl of the bunch eventually make it out alive after killing the baddies repeatedly. These here even exceed the mere standard two lives the bad guys in these types of films usually have.

Yeah, it's bad. Almost in a good way.

Almost.

3/10

Star Trek Into Darkness

We start off with Captain Kirk getting in trouble (yet again) for ignoring protocol by risking his ship and crew to save one crew member. Spock, that is, who finds all this highly illogical, of course.

The threat this time around comes from one super human (?) that goes by the name Harrison but turns out to be Star Trek nemesis of old lore Khan. Khan and his people have been asleep for centuries but he alone has been woken by Star Fleet, to use him in any way they can (him being stronger, faster...generally better than everyone else). What they didn't foresee apparently was that he did not comply with their plans and hits them hard, right there in their own HQ.

What follows is a intergalactic man hunt that leads the crew of the Enterprise to Kronos, where they inevitably have a clash with the local Klingons before Khan saves (!) them and gives himself up after learning that 72 torpedoes are aboard the Enterprise. What Kirk and his crew do not know (yet) is that inside every torpedo is a creature just like Khan, so his first order of business is to save his kin.

The Enterprise gets an unexpected visit from a ship headed by star fleet commander Marcus, who wanted Khan dead rather than captured so as to cover up his misjudgment in waking him up in the first place. He is certainly right in warning Kirk about trusting Khan but has no qualms about blowing up the Enterprise with everyone on it. So Kirk, with help from Khan and Scotty, take matters into their hands and take over the now enemy ship.

Of course, Khan turns out to be a very bad guy, indeed. He takes the ship and forces the torpedoes to be transferred over from the Enterprise. As soon as the beaming is concluded he starts shooting the Enterprise. This leads to, first, a battle of the two ships in space and, second, an epic fist fight of Khan vs Spock back on earth, where in the end both ship make it, Khan's not quite in one piece.

Other than action and fists flying, there is also a lot of crying going on, as you can see in the representative photos. Even Spock cries. And he yells. And he gets very, very angry. What gets to Spock is Kirk dying. But, thanks to Khan's superior blood, Bones is able to save him. All is well.

8/10

The Living Daylights

James Bond, in this incarnation played by Timothy Dalton, has to deal with a defecting KGB officer that is to be brought to save haven (my beautiful Vienna!) before taking him to Britain.

But is is all a ploy by the KGB guy, who in reality is in cahoots with an American arms dealer. He is also buying diamonds and with them paying for drugs. So really, he has quite a few irons in the fire. The only one to see through the original ruse - why, James Bond, of course.

The lady by his side is a lovelorn cellist who assumes Bond is helping her to reunite with her KGB agent (who is willing to sacrifice her in a flash). So we travel to Bratislava, Vienna, Tangiers and Afghanistan, always following the bad guys from the agent to the diamonds to the drugs.

Yes, it is a lot to take in.

My biggest bother is that Bond activates a bomb with a timer to blow up the drugs. The bomb is on a plane that is set to take off, shortly. Why he would the timer set to ten minutes only is beyond me. He is obviously just setting himself up for trouble. But, this is a James Bond film, so...whatever.

As for Timothy Dalton - I liked him more than I thought I would.

6/10

Never Say Never Again

This is the one James Bond film that is not officially part of the series. From the very first instant - when the beginning credits set in - we know that everything is different. There is no shadowy figure in the round seeker of a gun turning towards the camera and shooting followed by a song performed by the superstar of the moment. There is a different M, a different Q, even a different Felix.

But the story is very James Bond-y and the original 007 is back (again). The location is as exotic as ever and the cast is fantastic: Klaus Maria Brandauer, Max von Sydow, Edward Fox, Kim Basinger, Rowan Atkinson. The fashion (other than Bond's classic tuxedo) is painfully 1980's.

The woman in the picture does not only commit a typical 1980's fashion crime, she is also totally bonkers. For instance, she insists on being the best lay Bond has ever had and wants him to put that in writing. James, of course, has been handed a pen out of Q's little shop and shoots her with it. The crazy bitch is not the only woman that ends up in Bond's arms before he saves the day.

Some more recurring themes: a casino and some deep sea diving. Nothing new, but an interesting attempt of trying to secure a piece of the franchise cake. It remains the only one thus far.

6/10

For Your Eyes Only

With For Your Eyes Only James Bond returns to earthly grounds - no outerspace or underwater adventures.

But first and before the credits we have to say some goodbyes. First, Bond visits the grave of his late wife and then disposes of his old foe Blofeld (for copyright reasons).

What follows is some old-school secret agent adventures. Almost immediately we start into a fist fight followed by a car chase (perusing the rather slow but cultish 2CV), but not 007 is behind the wheel but the latest Bond girl Melina, dead set on avenging her parents' deaths. So while looking for the culprits, Bond also has to keep Melina safe and keep her from killing people.

And where does a secret agent go the chase bad guys when beaches and exotic lands are not an option. Why, of course, the alps. There he meets Bibi, an infantile ice skating protegé, who offers herself up to him but gets turned down. By the notorious womanizer James Bond. Together Bibi and Bond go and watch the biathlon, primarily the east German champion Erich Kriegler, who of course is in cahoots with the bad guys...and he is armed and on skis. Cue ski chase (not a new theme in the series).

Also after Bond - a young Charles Dance as Claus. While he is after Bond they both jump of a ski jumping ramp. Obviously. Then Bond is off on his skis again, chased on skis and motor bikes. Later he gets attacked in the ice rink by guys in hockey gear. Lucky for him, his pursuit of the bad guys then leads him to warmer areas, namely Corfu (and later Albania).

Oh, the point of all this is to retrieve the Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC) before it falls into the hands of the Soviets, as the transmitter can order attacks by the Royal Navy's fleet of Polaris submarines' missiles. In the end, Bond makes sure nobody gets his/her hands on it by simply destroying it.

It ends with Bond in Melina's arms. Of course.

5/10

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Normally, I don't like musicals. That is, unless they are either very funny or hilariously ridiculous, which is to say that I like this. Also, it is about 42 minutes short. That helps, too.

Dr. Horrible, aspiring super villain, wants to to join the Evil League of Evil. Unfortunately, when he is in the middle of earning his place by committing a crime he gets stopped by his arch nemesis, Captain Hammer. Not only does Captain Hammer beat him off, he also gets Penny, the girl Dr. Horrible is in love with but was previously too shy to even talk to.

Captain Hammer is quite a tool (pun intended), who is basically in love with himself and only wants Penny because he knows Horrible is in love with her.

Penny's goal is to get the city to donate a building to be used as a homeless shelter. When Hammer gets the mayor to grant the request, he gets lauded as the hero. During the opening (and revelation of a Captain Hammer statue) of the center comes the big showdown between the two rival, from which Dr. Horrible walks away the winner, gaining entry into the Evil League of Evil but losing Penny, who dies in the shoot-out.

5/10

Moonraker

Hugo Drax, an eccentric billionaire (and aren't they all eccentric?) steals a Moonraker space shuttle, that his own company built and that was on loan to the UK. Yes, yes, it is hijacked in mid-air! Why would he steal his own shuttle, you ask? Because he 'needed it', due to some malfunction in one of his own shuttles, he builds for his personal use (one assumes). He needs it to shoot a nerve gas - deadly to humans, harmless to animals - into the earth's atmosphere to get rid of all humanity.

The idea is to spend some time in a space station together with a number of genetically perfect young men and women. Then, after life on earth is deemed safe again (probably Wall-E will report on that) they shall return and repopulate the planet.

The henchmen sent after the inquiring James Bond are one Chang, Asian and therefore expert in martial arts, and the indestructible Jaws, who in pursuit of Bond and one Dr. Holly Goodhead (an astronaut) bites through a cable holding a cable car, among other unpleasantries he showers on the good guys. However, he will take 007's side eventually, because he realizes he is not a member of the master race.

Bond has at this point also survived an attempt on his life by centrifugal force and a rather mundane sniper, he takes out with a hunting riffle. Also, he has jumped out of airplane without a parachute before we even got to the beginning credits (the title theme the third and weakest by Shirley Bassey). Also we have witnessed the demise of one of Drax's unwitting minions who gets chased down and killed by two dogs.

Anyway, the final showdown this time takes place in - drumroll! - in outerspace! With lasers! And villain ejected into the universe!

What nonsense!

3/10

Diamonds Are Forever

Ah, yes, Sean Connery is back. Phew! Glad that Mr. Lazenby was replaced again (I am not a fan).

We start off with the wonderful Shirley Bassey singing the title track. And then...Blofeld dies! Or does he? Of course he doesn't. He is, once again, the über-villain. This time around we are following a diamond trail. Everyone that comes into contact with the stones tends to die of unnatural causes.

The bad people come in twos. First, the dorkiest ever villains in a James Bond film, surely. A gay couple. Not sure what message it sends that you make the first gay people in the franchise overly comical. And while we're at lack of political correctness - very much a sign of the times, of course - again a black woman is likened to a primate. Whereas the black Angel of Death in the previous film ate nothing but bananas, here we go even further. A black woman that turns into a gorilla. Nicely played. (*sarcasm*)

Anyway, back to the villainous duos. Then two beauties beat up James Bond for a bit, before he gets the upper hand on them (literally). They are called Thumper and Bambi, along with Plenty O'Toole yet more specimen of strange names for women in Bond films. The two try to keep Bond away from the missing and illustrious gazillionaire (one assumes), Mr. Whyte, whose properties and general wealth have been used by Mr. Blofeld to start off a nuclear war (yet again).

And speaking of twos: There is more than one Blofeld, thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery. Having a double has, however, not made him any smarter. He lets Bond slip through his fingers yet again when he has the chance to shoot him. He should by now know better than to keep him alive as a possible bargaining chip (or whatever).

In the end, 007 saves the day and the diamonds - now part of a satellite - revolve in space.

6/10

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Several of my friends told me that this particular Bond film is excellent. I don't agree. There are just two many things that bothered me.

First of all, George Lazenby. I understand that he was the most sought after male model for several years in the 1960s and has some martial arts skills. He certainly looks the part. My issue? I don't like his voice. Stupid, I know, but there you are.

Then, there are a few things about the setting, and some bits and pieces.

James Bond frequently speaks to himself - in the most arrogant and pompous manner imaginable. Also, we are led to believe that he is very much in love with Tracy (Diana Riggs, soon to be Queen of Thorns in Game of Thrones). Yet, he will sleep with every woman that crosses his path (see: Angels of Death).

The Angels of Death are a group of brainwashed beauties that über-culprit Blofeld experiments on to find a way to eliminate any species (plant, animal, whatever) if he so choses. This is what he intends to dangle over NATO's head, as he so conveniently explains in details to James Bond. Yes, and why do James Bond villains do that, explain their plans to the opponent?

But let's return to the Angels of Death for a minute. There is a scene with all of them - and an undercover James Bond - having dinner, each one only one type of food, all meat, all potatoes, all corn. So far, so weird. The Chinese woman in the group eats, yes, rice. The Indian eats naan. And the Jamaican eats...wait for it...bananas. WTF? You try putting that in a film nowadays.

Later, after an exciting escape from a hilltop, the inevitable car chase. Tracy and Bond get followed by a group of baddies. Both cars end up in the middle of a stock car competition (you know, like you do) and they go faster than all the other cars (like you do). The bad guys shoot out of the window at the Tracy/Bond vehicle - that is, the right window. Never mind that the car they are trying to hit is to their left.

When leaving the race, Bond says, "I told you that crowd will discourage them." What? How were they discouraged? They fucking shot at you with hundreds of people around!

Redeeming features?

Telly Savalas is my favorite Blofeld yet. And one of the Angels of Death is Joanna Lumley.

3/10



You Only Live Twice

Outerspace kidnapping! Piranhas! Ninjas! Blofeld!

Forget what I said about Thunderball having the most ridiculous opening of any James Bond film. This beats it. An American spacecraft gets kidnapped - in outerspace! SPECTRE honcho Ernst Stavros Blofeld wants to ignite a war between the US and the USSR. This in the midst of not only the Cold War but also the race to space between the two superpowers.

James Bond, meanwhile, dies.

Of course he doesn't. This is only to shake some of his enemies off his back. This works on a couple of Blofeld's associates, but the big cheese knows Bond is alive. His no. 11 gets fed to the piranhas for failing to kill Bond.

For some really, really covert business, Bond has to turn into a married Japanese ninja. Obviously. His disguise sports the following reaction: What? That's Sean Connery? Well, I never. This disguise is.....crap.

Bond and his fake wife Kissy Suzuki discover a secret rocket base that Bond enters. He gets discovered (so much for the fancy dress-up), but manages to escape and let in his fellow ninjas and together they save the world from a US/USSR war. In the midst of all this we see Blofeld himself for the very first time, here played by Donald Pleasence

The script for this film was written by Roald Dahl. I declare this the most ridiculous of Bond films (up to this point).

3/10

Thunderball

Could this be the James Bond film with the most ridiculous opening ever?

007 fights with and kills a guy in drag, fresh from a funeral where he/she pretended to be his own widow. Afterwards, the agent flies off in a jetback and drives off in a car with an installed water cannon he and his female companion use on the bad guys. And all of this happens before Tom Jones even belts out the theme song.

Of course, it has nothing at all to do with the film to come. The über-villain is once again Blofeld, in the context of this operation referred to as "no. 1". While meeting with his other numbered associates he sits behind a garage door like barrier, lowered only to cover his face. Through the joints one can see him with - *gasp!* - hair. Also, he is stroking his ever present white cat.

"No. 2" aka Emilio Largo turns out to be the villian Bond needs to fight. Finally! A bad guy with an eye patch!

The plot is yet again straight forward - SPECTRE steals two atomic warheads from a NATO plane to use as a means of extortion. James Bond spends most of the film breaking into hotel rooms and running around in shorts - we are, after all, in the Bahamas. He is assisted in his trials to retrieve the warheads (operation "Thunderball") by an old chum working for the CIA, named Felix and sporting big hair. The resident Bond girl is nicknamed "Domino", continuing the string of rather laughably named females.

All in all, despite its obvious flaws, this film is rather enjoyable. Q has a lovely scene with 007, in which he can live out his adorable grumpiness.

4/10

Goldfinger

Goldfinger marks the first Bond film in which a renowned artist sings the so-called Bond theme. The wonderful Shirley Bassey eventually sang three Bond themes, this one probably being my favorite.

It also marks a rather unfortunate beginning for 007 himself. First, he wears a onesie, then he shows off some back hair (ew!) and he gets his lover killed. She looks very pretty when dead, of course, covered all in gold. This also started the believe that a body covered in gold dies from 'epidermal suffocation' unless you leave a patch of skin on the neck uncovered. Whereas it is possible for toxins or bacteria could enter the body through the skin pores and can lead to injury and in the worst case death, it is highly unlikely to happen in the manner depicted. But it does look pretty.

We also have the first villain played by a respected character actor, making bond villain quite an interesting gig. The late Gert Fröbe plays Auric Goldfinger, aided by his henchman/bodyguard Oddjob (and his murderous hat!). The Bond girl in this has the to date most ridiculous name (and still the legendary one) - Pussy Galore.

And on top of it all, Goldfinger also features another well-remembered scene - Bond gets straped to a table and a laser threatens to cut him in half - you know the one I am talking about. Q also gave James Bond a pimped up car to play with (and ruin).

For all the above, this remains one of the highlights of the series and one of the best Bond films to date.

9/10

From Russia with Love

The second James Bond film revolves around a cryptograph, quite a handy device with the cold war going on and such. The evil SPECTRE empire devises a plan to steal on such thing from the Soviets and then sell it back to them. In a film full of agent and double agents the big, bad, mysterious mastermind is only referred to as "Number 1". Yet we are treated to a shot of the (iconic!) white cat!

The bond girl, Tatiana Romanova, is recruited by SPECTRE's number 3 Rosa Klebb as a means to fool the Brits. Poor Tatiana (Tania to her friends) is led to believe she is doing it for Mother Russia, thinking Klebb to be working for SMERSH (whaterever that may be). Incidentally, Klebb is played by one Lotte Lenya, who was born in my hometown of Vienna.

The adventure begins in Istanbul and takes Bond and Tania (with an unfortunate contact from Turkey) via train, truck (already without their Turkish friend) and powerboat all the way to Venice. Hot on their heels is one SPECTRE minion, a well built blond agent.

Now, what is it with people laying out the entirety of their plans to someone they intend to kill? It is one of those story devises I always found rather puzzling and, ultimately, annoying. Here it is used through the blond guy, who thinks himself about to do away with 007. Oh, well.

In the end, British coolness prevails - girl, cryptograph and all.

6/10

Dr. No

The first of many, many James Bond films is Dr. No.

James Bond himself is played, of course, by Sean Connery. Obviously, this is the type of secret agent that defined similar characters for years to come. And this is what James Bond was to be like for a long time - right up to Daniel Craig, who was remodeled in the spirit of re-imagination that took place around the time. Before, it was not possible for a hero of his caliber (or Batman, or Spiderman, etc.) to show any signs of vulnerability. 007 is suave, cool and a ladies' man.

The first so-called Bond girl is Ursula Andress. Her name? Honey Ryder. The names of the Bond girls were persistantly ridiculous and put the female in her place. She is "Honey" as well as "honey" and not only needs saving, she also falls for the hero. She is introduced with the obligatory bikini shot.

The villain is Dr. No, a half-German, half-Chinese recluse, who is a member of SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion). SPECTRE becomes a theme throughout the series and - as we learn in later films - is headed by evil genius Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Dr. No, as well as several other Asian characters in the film, is played by caucasian actor, Joseph Wiseman. This was in a more innocent time, after all, before casting a white man in the role of an Asian man was being frowned upon.

The plot is straight-forward. Dr. No plans to interfere with the Project Mercury launch with his atomic-powered radio beam. He works from within a well-protected secret lair, filled with quite the art collection - including a Goya painting of the Duke of Wellington, that had been stolen in the year before the film came out and was only recovered in 1965.

Bond strolls through the Jamaican scenery while doging more than one attempt on his life, thanks to his driving skills, his natural suspiciousness and sheer luck. The tarantula scene had to be filmed with a stuntman, as Sean Connery suffers from Arachnophobia.

In the end, he single-handedly takes out Dr. No's entire operation and saves the dame.

5/10