Pretty Maids All in a Row

This film about a high school football coach sleeping with and killing female students starts off with a

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!

Murder victim number one is apparently best remembered for being such a 'terrific little cheerleader'. She is found in a boy's toilet with a note stuck to her butt by fellow student Ponce de Leon Harper (yes!).

But that is the least of Ponce's problems. What really troubles this young man are his constant erections. When he confides in the coach (who is also vice principal, English teacher and some sort of counselor) he misunderstands and thinks he actually suffers from erectile dysfunction. Coach then asks sexy substitute teacher Miss Smith to take it upon herself to help the boy. This then leads to Ponce and Miss Smith having an affair (of course). It is also Ponce that discovers a vital piece of evidence in Coach's room - a recording of a 'session' he has with one of the female students.

For all the murder going on, the film is actually funny at times. If you get around to ever seeing it watch out for the principal's secretary. She is hilarious!

I love 1970's films! The clothes! The pornstaches! Telly Savalas! Rock Hudson!

7/10

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane

Every boy in the high school wants to get into Mandy Lane's pants. She's allegedly still a virgin and got hot over the summer (their words, not mine).

A group of her class mates invite her out to Red's (the stoner) parent's farm, along with two cheerleaders (Chloe and Marlin) and two jocks (Bird and Luke). The only other person around is the farm hand Garth. During a night of drugs and alcohol, Mandy's former best friend Emmett - shunned because he made a boy jump off the roof towards a swimming pool (and, unfortunately, not quite making it) - starts killing them off one by one.

The first one to get it is Marlin, gravely wounded but not quite dead when Luke, heavily intoxicated, finds her by the lake. Luke is the first one to go, death by gun. Passed out Marlin gets the butt of the gun in the face (repeatedly), which leads to

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!!!

The four others are at this point unaware of their friends being recently deceased. Bird then runs into Emmett and starts hitting him, before Emmett produces a hunting knife...

In the morning, Grant and Mandy have a heart to heart and we learn that nice, goody two-shoes Mandy is an orphan and that is why she is 'different' from her group of idiot friends. Awww! Then Grant gets lured away by a noise coming from upstairs. Mandy, asleep with her head on the table gets stroked by Emmett's bloody hand, so when Grant returns and sees the blood on her hair and the fridge decides that 'we need to get out of here'. As soon as the door opens, Grant gets shot in the shoulder.

Red and Chloe flee out the back door and find Luke and Marlin's bodies in a field. This leads to some making out (obviously) during which Red gets shot in the back. Chloe runs off into the fields, where she comes upon Bird's body before being chased by a car by Emmett and running....straight into the hunting knife, now held by Mandy herself (who was in on it all along). And again:

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!!!

It was all really a suicide pact. But Mandy has one more surprise in store and planned to get rid of Emmett instead of dying with him. The bitch!

2/10

V/H/S

Another "found footage" film. Just what we've all been waiting for, right?

A group of bad guys steal a collection of video tapes for some unnamed source. All the little films are, like, totally scary and stuff.

One is about a female vampire (I think) that first has sex with a trio of friends and then starts to kill them. Not that they deserve any better, those idiots. Personally, I would not hang on to the video camera I am carrying when I am already injured and trying to escape said vampire.

But, hey, that's just me.

Then there is this couple on a road trip who film the most trivial and boring things. Then they are the ones being filmed while asleep in some cheap motel room. The couple is predictably boring and the tape mostly is, as well. At least, there is a nice twist. The guy dies.

Oh good, tape no. 3 is of a group of young people going to some lake in the woods. After two minutes of first seeing them you can't wait for them to die, they are such assholes. They do. And...here is a little something I will record whenever I come across it:

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!!!

Wait, the next segment is a video chat, not a VHS tape. How would this have ended up on a tape. This is cheating! One feed comes from inside a hunted apartment. There may be aliens involved. Or ghosts. Or something.

Lastly, the obligatory Halloween segment.

This is oh so bad.

1/10