A View to a Kill

What starts out on an estate dedicated to breeding horses takes us to Sillicon Valley, that obviously needs to be wiped out. All this courtesy of one Mr. Zorin, formally part of a Soviet (of course it's the Soviets) experiment on children. They were treated with steroid to make them stronger and smarter.

Bond is undercover as a potential buyer of horses. He gets found out, knocked unconscious and pushed into a lake by Zorin's sidekick May Day (yes, May Day). Do you know how in films car doors never open underwater? James Bond does not have that problem at all. The door pops right open.

This is not the only occasion he spends under water in this film, he ends up there much later again - this time with May Day, whom he has previously bedded (obviously) and who is at this point pissed off at Zorin because she thought 'that creep loved me'! Zorin is willing to sacrifice everyone from his posse for his ultimate goal, which has to do with microchips (not that anyone cares). May Day and Bond team up to get out of their shared conundrum with May Day sacrificing herself to get back at Zorin.

There is a zeppelin and a blond woman stumbling through scenery, also one overly long unnecessary car chase with San Francisco law enforcement.

4/10

Octopussy

In case you wondered, 'Octopussy' is a woman. She lives on an island with women on it. Lots and lots of women. And, yes, Bond beds her.

Now that we got that out of the way, here's the story in a nutshell:
Bond has to follow a general stealing jewelry from the Russian government. The trace leads him to an Afghan prince and the title-giving Octopussy. He unscovers some plot that involves...wait for it...nuclear weaponry. And Fabergé eggs. Obviously.

The locations this time around are East Berlin and the much more exotic India. Some of the character's names include Kamal Khan (the Afghan prince), Orlov (the general), Gobinda (bodyguard and henchman), Mischka & Grischka (circus artists), Gogol (Russian writer a Soviet general) and - my favorite - Penelope Smallbone (assistant to Moneypenny). None of the cast names rings a bell for me (other than the usual suspects).

This features an abundance of ridiculous and very obvious one liners, that more often than not miss the mark (I think). It's all very silly, really. Also, if you suffer from Coulrophobia, do not watch this!

Ok, maybe that's just me. I was never much a fan of the franchise, only having seen the occasional film (and remembering Goldfinger rather fondly). I only became a fan when Daniel Craig took over and decided to watch all Bond films - from earliest to latest. It looks like anything that become before the re-vamping with Craig as Bond was not for me (I suspected as much). At this point, I'm in it for the villains, who are not much to speak of in Octopussy.

4/10

For Your Eyes Only

With For Your Eyes Only James Bond returns to earthly grounds - no outerspace or underwater adventures.

But first and before the credits we have to say some goodbyes. First, Bond visits the grave of his late wife and then disposes of his old foe Blofeld (for copyright reasons).

What follows is some old-school secret agent adventures. Almost immediately we start into a fist fight followed by a car chase (perusing the rather slow but cultish 2CV), but not 007 is behind the wheel but the latest Bond girl Melina, dead set on avenging her parents' deaths. So while looking for the culprits, Bond also has to keep Melina safe and keep her from killing people.

And where does a secret agent go the chase bad guys when beaches and exotic lands are not an option. Why, of course, the alps. There he meets Bibi, an infantile ice skating protegé, who offers herself up to him but gets turned down. By the notorious womanizer James Bond. Together Bibi and Bond go and watch the biathlon, primarily the east German champion Erich Kriegler, who of course is in cahoots with the bad guys...and he is armed and on skis. Cue ski chase (not a new theme in the series).

Also after Bond - a young Charles Dance as Claus. While he is after Bond they both jump of a ski jumping ramp. Obviously. Then Bond is off on his skis again, chased on skis and motor bikes. Later he gets attacked in the ice rink by guys in hockey gear. Lucky for him, his pursuit of the bad guys then leads him to warmer areas, namely Corfu (and later Albania).

Oh, the point of all this is to retrieve the Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator (ATAC) before it falls into the hands of the Soviets, as the transmitter can order attacks by the Royal Navy's fleet of Polaris submarines' missiles. In the end, Bond makes sure nobody gets his/her hands on it by simply destroying it.

It ends with Bond in Melina's arms. Of course.

5/10

Moonraker

Hugo Drax, an eccentric billionaire (and aren't they all eccentric?) steals a Moonraker space shuttle, that his own company built and that was on loan to the UK. Yes, yes, it is hijacked in mid-air! Why would he steal his own shuttle, you ask? Because he 'needed it', due to some malfunction in one of his own shuttles, he builds for his personal use (one assumes). He needs it to shoot a nerve gas - deadly to humans, harmless to animals - into the earth's atmosphere to get rid of all humanity.

The idea is to spend some time in a space station together with a number of genetically perfect young men and women. Then, after life on earth is deemed safe again (probably Wall-E will report on that) they shall return and repopulate the planet.

The henchmen sent after the inquiring James Bond are one Chang, Asian and therefore expert in martial arts, and the indestructible Jaws, who in pursuit of Bond and one Dr. Holly Goodhead (an astronaut) bites through a cable holding a cable car, among other unpleasantries he showers on the good guys. However, he will take 007's side eventually, because he realizes he is not a member of the master race.

Bond has at this point also survived an attempt on his life by centrifugal force and a rather mundane sniper, he takes out with a hunting riffle. Also, he has jumped out of airplane without a parachute before we even got to the beginning credits (the title theme the third and weakest by Shirley Bassey). Also we have witnessed the demise of one of Drax's unwitting minions who gets chased down and killed by two dogs.

Anyway, the final showdown this time takes place in - drumroll! - in outerspace! With lasers! And villain ejected into the universe!

What nonsense!

3/10

The Spy Who Loved Me

In the year of 1977 the James Bond Travel Agency suggests a journey to Egypt, to experience the grandness of the pyramids and adjoining monuments.

While among the aforementioned monuments, Bond and his rival/associate KGB agent triple X (Barbara Bach) spend a while chasing after Jaw (yes, yes, the guy with the metal teeth) among the vast monuments - before getting chased by him in return. The objective is to retrieve a microfilm. Jaw and his assistant henchman Sandor (a rather short role) were sent by Karl Stromberg (the great Curd Jürgens) to search after said microfilm and kill everyone that comes in contact with it.

What does the villain want this time? Trigger a global nuclear war, of course. Don't they always? There is yet another train trip (a recurring Bond theme), during which Bond and triple X get attacked by Jaw again (What? You thought dumping an entire scaffolding including stones on him would get rid of him? Or even throwing him out the window of a moving train?).

The big showdown takes place in a much more elaborate venue. No, not an island. That is getting rather old and we'll get around to it again in later Bond films (Skyfall anyone?). On a big-ass ship, that captures submarines in its belly. Oh, and don't worry. There's a car chase, too.

Despite all the ridiculousness and repetitiveness, the showdown is awesome.

6/10

The Man with the Golden Gun

Roger Moore's second James Bond adventure unfortunately has nothing on his first one. The story just doesn't hold up to Live and Let Die, despite the villain in this being the great Christopher Lee, which makes it doubly sad. What a waste of talent.

Lee plays Scaramanga, a contract killer, aided by his dwarf Nick Nack (!). The female (of course) assistant Bond has at his side is called Goodnight (*eye-roll*). And as if that weren't comic relief enough, JW Pepper, the dorky small town sheriff from the previous film, is forced on us again. He is still not very funny.

The touristic adventure takes us to Asia again - this time to Hong Kong and Bangkok, where Scaramanga works for one Hai Fat. And yes, we get Asian martial arts - an entire school of martial arts students. They get knocked out by two teenage girls in school uniforms. And with that we have probably covered every cliche conceivable about the Asian continent, no?

Oh yes, there is also a flying car.

Scaramanga invests in solar energy, so he's not really that bad a guy, is he?

4/10

Live and Let Die

The first (real) post Connery Bond (let's forget about Mr. Lazenby, shall we). I know, I know, everyone says that Sean Connery is the best Bond evah. Personally, I believe people say that because he is the original Bond. I am quite happy with Roger Moore.

For me it is thusly:
Sean Connery - like
George Lazenby - meh
Roger Moore - like
Timothy Dalton - I'll get back to you once I have seen him as Bond. My expectations are low.
Pierce Brosnan - *argh* Noooooo! Why? Why? WHY?
Daniel Craig - LOVE

Anyway, Live and Let Die. It starts off with one of my favorite Bond themes performed by Paul McCartney and the Wings. As a rule, the opening credits of any Bond film are great - very artsy and mysterious (usually with naked women).

Three MI6 agents get killed - in New York, in New Orleans and in the Caribbean island of San Monique, the dictator of which is the villain in this part of the franchise, one Dr. Kananga. There is also a mysterious Harlem drug lord named Mr. Big, that eventally turns out to be Dr. Kananga himself. Bond follows him from New York (where he ventures into a Harlem before the time when a white person would want to be caught alone there) to San Monique. There, 007 meets - and loses - his CIA associate Rosie Carver, who dies too early to be referred to as "Bond girl". This title goes to Jane Seymour as Solitaire - the virginal (until she gets bedded by 007) tarot reader employed by Dr. Kananga (the original Mr. Big).

On to New Orleans, where Bond is captured by Mr. Big's minions. He learns that the culprit uses his fellow countrymen's fear of voodoo and the occult to protect his poppy fields and keep the heroin coming. His plan is to distribute drugs for free (!) through his restaurant chain "Fillet of Soul" to increase the number of addicts and, consequently, paying customers.

Dr. Kananga's plan for Bond is that he be thrown to the crocodiles by his henchman Tee Hee (yes!) Johnson (a name that beats Solitaire, and there is also a Baron Samedi). Our hero escapes by running over the backs of the crocodiles. How about that?

Back in San Monique, Bond rescues Solitaire, who is supposed to be sacrificed, as she is no longer useful for Tarot (not being a virgin any longer and all). They have to survive a shark tank and - even after Dr. Kananga is dead - Tee Hee (who gets thrown off a moving train) before riding off into the sunset (sort of).

9/10