Pandorum

I'm not sure what happened but it was awesome!

Corporal Bower (Ben Foster, looking raggedly handsome) wakes up in one of those hyper-sleep pods that we have seen in many science fiction films. Initially he can't remember anything (a side effect of very long hibernation). An hour later his lieutenant Peyton (Dennis Quaid, looking as raggedly handsome as always) is also awake and together they are trying to figure out what their mission could be.

The space ship they are on appears to be running on limited power and the door to the bridge is therefore impregnable. While Peyton stays behind to try and open the door, Bower sets out to find the reactor and reboot it.

For dramatic purposes the reactor is situated as far away from where they started as possible. While stumbling through the half lit ship, Bower encounters long dead bodies, some hanging from the ceiling. He also encounters monstrosities. They may or may not be mutant travelers and they look like zombies with thorns. Also they are very, very tenacious. You can chop of bits and they will still come at you.

One of the bodies hanging from the ceiling is called Shepard (Norman Reedus, you guessed it, looking raggedly handsome) and is still alive. But not for long. Bower cuts him down but he is quickly re-hung by the monsters, killed and gutted. And then they feed on him. Shepard, we hardly knew thee.

Bower encounters a few more people on his way to the reactor. All of them appear to be from different missions and have woken up at different times. Since then they have been merely surviving the steady raids for food of the monsters.

Peyton, meanwhile, is going insane. Or maybe everyone is. I dunno.

In the end, the reactor is restarted, Bower and Peyton are reunited and then there is a big twist.

Very exciting, this.

8/10

The ABCs of Death

Here are 26 short films about death.

Each director involved in the project was given one letter of the alphabet to work with. The result is sometimes quite awesome (D) and sometimes boring (G) or even downright stupid (F).

Sadly, the really good stories are few and far between.

Here are the stories in detail:

A is for Apocalypse: The beginning is quite promising, I thought. The apocalypse itself is only hinted at and only shown as a red light outside the window of the room the story (a murder, but - as we learn - out of mercy) takes place in. 6/10

B is for Bigfoot: Also quite good. Here a bed time story about a snow creature coming for the little children - made up on the spot - becomes ghastly reality. Well, sort of. 7/10

C is for Cycle: Weird but still a cool idea. I only found it irritating that the subtitles turned 'Bruno' into 'Bruce' for some reason. 6/10

D is for Dogfight: Brilliant. Gets by without any dialogue. 9/10

E is for Exterminate: Yeah, yeah. A spider. Of course there was going to be something with a spider. Meh. 4/10

F is for Fart: Really? 'Fart' is the one word you come up to build a horror story around? And then it is not even a horror story, just plain stupid. 1/10

G is for Gravity: The height of boredom. 2/10

H is for Hydry-Electric Diffusion: Are those foxes? I've decided they are foxes. One (British?) soldier fox goes into a strip club, where a very hot (apparently) fox is on stage. Unfortunately, she turns out to be a Nazi and wants to electrocute the soldier fox. No, really. 2/10

I is for Ingrown: Woman tied up in a bathtub always makes for decent horror. 5/10

J is for Jidai-geki: A samurai has to execute someone. Very strange laughter, distorted face, buckets of sweat. Japanese weirdness. 3/10

K is for Klutz: A piece of shit. Literally. 1/10

L is for Libido: Torture porn. Actually, torture + porn. 5/10

M is for Miscarriage: This may be the shortest piece of the them all (or maybe that is Gravity). A miscarriage in the toilet. 3/10

N is for Nuptials: Hilarious. 8/10

O is for Orgasm: S&M in all its slo-mo beauty. 7/10

P is for Pressure: Prostitution and kitties. 4/10

Q is for Quack: Yes, killing an animal will totally make your movie better (the movie in the movie, that is). And shooting a duck that sits inside a cage is, like, so manly, too. These two guys are too stupid to manage even that. 4/10

R is for Removed: A patch of skin (?) is removed that is actually a strip of film (?). What is going on here? Also, disgusting. Then the guy, who's skin has been removed pushes a train. Why? Nobody knows. And then it's raining blood. 2/10

S is for Speed: A woman kidnapping another while outrunning some sort of monstrosity, flees in very, very fast car. Then she runs out of gas and the monstrosity catches up with her. He tellsher she can't run forever and takes her hand. She falls down and - back in the real world now - dies from an OD. 4/10

T is for Toilet: Ah, claymation. The toilet spews green goo and turns into a monster. Blood and gore and melting faces. Weirdly fascinating. 6/10

U is for Unearthed; There's the vampire bit. Dug up, hunted by townsfolk, gets teeth pulled, a stake through the heart and head chopped off. Very old school, this. 6/10

V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby): A robot warrior thing bites a baby's head off. 3/10

W is for WTF!: Movie makers (presumably) that have been given the W discuss the possibility of the letter. So meta. Also, clown zombies. WTF indeed. 1/10

X is for XXL: An overweight woman getting attacked and shamed by everyone she encounters. They're all French, so the being an asshole bit comes easy to them. Said woman then stuffs her face with everything in the must disgusting manner. Then she performs some DIY plastic (?) surgery on herself. Gross. 3/10

Y is for Youngbuck: A creepy janitor is really into the sweat of teenage boys. And hunting. This is like a horrifying music video. 2/10

Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction): Sushi, woman in Nazi uniform, a Japanese guy channeling Dr. Strangelove, a huge dildo and a food fight. 2/10

Hotel Transylvania

Dracula, who has been living in a remote castle raising his daughter Mavis, is preparing a huge party for the girl's 118th birthday. All the monsters imaginable have been invited for the party and opening of Hotel Transylvania. The hotel is supposed to be a save haven for monsters, who have been terrified by humans for centuries.

Years ago, Dracula has promised Mavis that she will be allowed to see the world he has been shielding her from on her 118th birthday. He sends her off to a nearby village, which he had built especially for this occasion to put the fear of humans into her. His zombie employees are dressed up as a mob, coming after the newly arrived vampire. This works and sends Mavis flying home again.

In the midst of the chaos of everyone arriving, a young hapless backpacker finds his way into the castle. Dracula detects him just in time to dress him up as a monster and sneak him into the party when he realizes that he cannot get rid of the human without drawing attention. The human, Johnny, is passed of as a cousin of Frankenstein's right arm, here to plan the party with Dracula.

All the while, he tries to get rid of him without having any of the monsters suspect a human among them. The only one suspicious of Johnny is Quasimodo, alerted by his rat Esmeralda, who can smell the human. Dracula fiddles around to keep Quasimodo and Johnny away from each other and trying to get the party rolling - with games of charade and bingo. Those turn out not to be a party favorite. Whenever Johnny causes mayhem, however, the guests get really into it. Mavis and Johnny, when they first set eyes on each other, fall hopelessly in love.

Dracula still does everything in his power to get rid of Johnny and even reveal to him how he lost his wife Martha in a fire, set by a human mob who discovered that he was a monster. When Quasimodo finally reveals to the party guests that Johnny is, in fact, human, everyone is scared out of their wits. After this, Johnny leaves.

When all the guests try to check out of their rooms at the same time, Dracula, having realized that he only wants his child to be happy, even if that means letting her be with a human, implores his monster friends to forgive him and help him bring Johnny back. When a delegation leaves to drive to the airport, they come to the village during a big monster party (Halloween?) and realize that humans may not be a danger to monsters, after all. They rally up the village people to help get Dracula to the airport as quickly as possible.

Dracula returns with Johnny and a monster-human alliance is formed. Happy faces all around.

6/10

The Cabin in the Woods

I love horror films. I very much like Richard Jenkins. I adore Bradley Whitford. I like the idea of a company pulling the strings behind the scenes to release different nightmarish scenarios on a group of unsuspecting young people. I love the poster.

The problem? I don't like this film.

Despite all the above mentioned ingredients it doesn't quite come together for me. The actual cabin-in-the-woods part of it is all very bland and I never cared for any of the people there. Not a one. I didn't care whether they lived or died and nothing that befell them was particularly scary to me.

The background part (the part with Jenkins and Whitford) was more interesting. The out-of-placeness of it was different and it is in the company environment that the film actually showed some humor. The deaths of pretty much everyone involved there was harder to take than that of any of the pretty young people.

Oh Josh Lyman Hadley! At least you went with a cocky remark on your lips. Good for you! *wipes-away-tear*

The fun part? All monsters imaginable getting unleashed and going into mayhem mode. Blood and gore and a murderous unicorn. But then there was the stupid, unimaginative, uninteresting, useless ending/explanation. The fucking Ancient Ones'?

Seriously?

3/10

Prometheus

My first post on a film-of-the-moment! One that is actually in theaters right now. I give you....Prometheus, the film that has been hyped and hyped and hyped some more over the last year or so (felt that long, didn't it). So, does it live up to the buzz?

Yes, it does. It has its flaws, no doubt, and quite a few of them. But it is what it is supposed to be - a sci-fi summer blockbuster that alternately awes you and freaks you out.

It starts with this guy killing himself. Or something.We do not know where he is (is it a he even?) and we do not know why he drinks that funny stuff he (she?) is drinking. But he (she?) is our ancestor. That much is clear.

So this team of scientists sets out to find a star constellation that has been discovered in many cave drawings by all kinds of different ancient civilizations. They take about 2 years to get there. While they sleep in their fancy futuristic beds, David is manning the ship by himself. David is an adroid without any emotions, that somehow still manages to be quite the douchebag (with an agenda, apparently). He spends his days watching old films (Lawrence of Arabia) and dyeing his roots.

As soon as all the scientist are woken, there follows a lot of exploring dark caves. Ominous lighting FTW!After some exciting discoveries that may or may not prove the initial theory of where all life comes from, the horror kicks in. Black liquids oozing out of vessels (vases), people disintegrating, quite the gross abortion (the horrific highlight in my book!), one big-ass face-hugger...well, more of a full-body-hugger, really.

Thankfully, the film has eye candy galore. There is David (the actual reason girls will watch this):

Despite the bad hair, Michael Fassbender is a welcome sight. There is the badass captain:

Even a character as unemotional and slick as Charlize Theron's succumbs to his rough charms. Sort of. And then there is the guy who looks like the cute brother of Tom Hardy:

Wait. Did she just sort of diss Tom Hardy? Yes, I believe she did. *gasp*

And all that in 3D! Which is totally wasted on this film. There is next to nothing that warrants the use of 3D, other than it looks pretty and sharp. Can we be done with 3D, please?

What was slightly annoying was the ending. We get no answers whatsoever. Because Elizabeth Shaw is "still searching". Uhm, ok. So, there's going to be a sequel, right?

5/10