Livide (Livid)

Huh?

I don't get it.

Are they vampires? And why can Anna fly?

Why are the French trying so hard to confuse the rest of the world?

2/10  

Dark Shadows

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), owner of a blooming fishing business, gets cursed by a witch for turning her away. After his parents die in an unfortunate accident, his love throws herself off a cliff, he himself becomes a vampire. But the witch is not done with him. She turns the town folk against him and they bury him alive - or, rather, undead.

Some 200 years later, his coffin is uncovered at the construction site of a McDonald's. Barnabas returns to his family home, not quite getting the hang of the new era, also known as the 1970s. Everything technical he regards as being of the devil.

He reconnects with his ancestors and works to put the family business back on its feet - once again fighting the witch, who is the new big fishing business owner.

The look of the film is classic Tim Burton - as goth as it gets. It clashes heavily with the garishness of the 1970s, in which Barnabas looks hilariously out of place.

The film is based on a 1960s TV show, that - quite honestly - I had never heard of. It does have its flaws, obviously, but it sports an impressive list of actors in roles big and small.

"Ugliest woman I've ever seen."

6/10

V/H/S

Another "found footage" film. Just what we've all been waiting for, right?

A group of bad guys steal a collection of video tapes for some unnamed source. All the little films are, like, totally scary and stuff.

One is about a female vampire (I think) that first has sex with a trio of friends and then starts to kill them. Not that they deserve any better, those idiots. Personally, I would not hang on to the video camera I am carrying when I am already injured and trying to escape said vampire.

But, hey, that's just me.

Then there is this couple on a road trip who film the most trivial and boring things. Then they are the ones being filmed while asleep in some cheap motel room. The couple is predictably boring and the tape mostly is, as well. At least, there is a nice twist. The guy dies.

Oh good, tape no. 3 is of a group of young people going to some lake in the woods. After two minutes of first seeing them you can't wait for them to die, they are such assholes. They do. And...here is a little something I will record whenever I come across it:

DEAD CHEERLEADER ALERT!!!

Wait, the next segment is a video chat, not a VHS tape. How would this have ended up on a tape. This is cheating! One feed comes from inside a hunted apartment. There may be aliens involved. Or ghosts. Or something.

Lastly, the obligatory Halloween segment.

This is oh so bad.

1/10

Stake Land

We enter the film after the collapse of the country has already happened. There is no real explanation as to what exactly happened or why. The plain facts are that there are the humans - some fighting, some preaching, some hoping for protection - and then there are the 'vamps' - moving like zombies, but whatever.

We follow the story of Martin, told mostly in voice-over (which I am not a fan of, ever), who was saved by a guy called Mister (yes, I know). Poor thing had to watch his whole family get killed first, though. This Mister wants to get young Martin safely to 'New Eden' (=Canada) and they travel north together, killing vamps and fighting religious nuts along the way.

The scenery and the basic story of man trying to get boy to safe haven is basically the same as in The Road. Of course, Stake Land has more action and, well, non-humans in it but as a continuous narrative The Road is far superior. Stake Land is still more interesting than most standard vampire (or zombie) movies, though.

The film also features Kelly McGillis, whom I haven't seen in a long time. She dies (just FYI).

4/10