The Russia House

I'm confused. But this is a John le Carré story, so that was to be expected.

What I gather is this: Barley, a British publisher, is recruited by the Secret Service to spy on the Russians, as he has been contacted by a Russian publisher, Katya, regarding a scientific book by one Dante (not his real name).

From then on, he wears wires seemingly everywhere he goes in Moscow and Leningrad. He meets with Katya, later with Dante and some sort of deal is struck, that would have him hand over what everyone refers to as 'the shopping list' (written in invisible ink, no less).

By now, the Brits have teamed up with the US Secret Service as well and people from both sides wearing more or less appealing suits sit in a room together listening in with headphones. Then the British liaison to Barley, Ned, gets suspicious and wants to call the final handover off. But the Americans push on (of course). Words are exchanged, the go ahead as planned and of course Ned was right all along.

Dante apparently is already dead at the time he was supposed to meet with Barley, who has worked out that something is wrong thanks to Katya. He then makes his own plan to double cross his home country. All for the love of Katya.

Or something like that.

6/10

Never Say Never Again

This is the one James Bond film that is not officially part of the series. From the very first instant - when the beginning credits set in - we know that everything is different. There is no shadowy figure in the round seeker of a gun turning towards the camera and shooting followed by a song performed by the superstar of the moment. There is a different M, a different Q, even a different Felix.

But the story is very James Bond-y and the original 007 is back (again). The location is as exotic as ever and the cast is fantastic: Klaus Maria Brandauer, Max von Sydow, Edward Fox, Kim Basinger, Rowan Atkinson. The fashion (other than Bond's classic tuxedo) is painfully 1980's.

The woman in the picture does not only commit a typical 1980's fashion crime, she is also totally bonkers. For instance, she insists on being the best lay Bond has ever had and wants him to put that in writing. James, of course, has been handed a pen out of Q's little shop and shoots her with it. The crazy bitch is not the only woman that ends up in Bond's arms before he saves the day.

Some more recurring themes: a casino and some deep sea diving. Nothing new, but an interesting attempt of trying to secure a piece of the franchise cake. It remains the only one thus far.

6/10

Diamonds Are Forever

Ah, yes, Sean Connery is back. Phew! Glad that Mr. Lazenby was replaced again (I am not a fan).

We start off with the wonderful Shirley Bassey singing the title track. And then...Blofeld dies! Or does he? Of course he doesn't. He is, once again, the über-villain. This time around we are following a diamond trail. Everyone that comes into contact with the stones tends to die of unnatural causes.

The bad people come in twos. First, the dorkiest ever villains in a James Bond film, surely. A gay couple. Not sure what message it sends that you make the first gay people in the franchise overly comical. And while we're at lack of political correctness - very much a sign of the times, of course - again a black woman is likened to a primate. Whereas the black Angel of Death in the previous film ate nothing but bananas, here we go even further. A black woman that turns into a gorilla. Nicely played. (*sarcasm*)

Anyway, back to the villainous duos. Then two beauties beat up James Bond for a bit, before he gets the upper hand on them (literally). They are called Thumper and Bambi, along with Plenty O'Toole yet more specimen of strange names for women in Bond films. The two try to keep Bond away from the missing and illustrious gazillionaire (one assumes), Mr. Whyte, whose properties and general wealth have been used by Mr. Blofeld to start off a nuclear war (yet again).

And speaking of twos: There is more than one Blofeld, thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery. Having a double has, however, not made him any smarter. He lets Bond slip through his fingers yet again when he has the chance to shoot him. He should by now know better than to keep him alive as a possible bargaining chip (or whatever).

In the end, 007 saves the day and the diamonds - now part of a satellite - revolve in space.

6/10

You Only Live Twice

Outerspace kidnapping! Piranhas! Ninjas! Blofeld!

Forget what I said about Thunderball having the most ridiculous opening of any James Bond film. This beats it. An American spacecraft gets kidnapped - in outerspace! SPECTRE honcho Ernst Stavros Blofeld wants to ignite a war between the US and the USSR. This in the midst of not only the Cold War but also the race to space between the two superpowers.

James Bond, meanwhile, dies.

Of course he doesn't. This is only to shake some of his enemies off his back. This works on a couple of Blofeld's associates, but the big cheese knows Bond is alive. His no. 11 gets fed to the piranhas for failing to kill Bond.

For some really, really covert business, Bond has to turn into a married Japanese ninja. Obviously. His disguise sports the following reaction: What? That's Sean Connery? Well, I never. This disguise is.....crap.

Bond and his fake wife Kissy Suzuki discover a secret rocket base that Bond enters. He gets discovered (so much for the fancy dress-up), but manages to escape and let in his fellow ninjas and together they save the world from a US/USSR war. In the midst of all this we see Blofeld himself for the very first time, here played by Donald Pleasence

The script for this film was written by Roald Dahl. I declare this the most ridiculous of Bond films (up to this point).

3/10

Thunderball

Could this be the James Bond film with the most ridiculous opening ever?

007 fights with and kills a guy in drag, fresh from a funeral where he/she pretended to be his own widow. Afterwards, the agent flies off in a jetback and drives off in a car with an installed water cannon he and his female companion use on the bad guys. And all of this happens before Tom Jones even belts out the theme song.

Of course, it has nothing at all to do with the film to come. The über-villain is once again Blofeld, in the context of this operation referred to as "no. 1". While meeting with his other numbered associates he sits behind a garage door like barrier, lowered only to cover his face. Through the joints one can see him with - *gasp!* - hair. Also, he is stroking his ever present white cat.

"No. 2" aka Emilio Largo turns out to be the villian Bond needs to fight. Finally! A bad guy with an eye patch!

The plot is yet again straight forward - SPECTRE steals two atomic warheads from a NATO plane to use as a means of extortion. James Bond spends most of the film breaking into hotel rooms and running around in shorts - we are, after all, in the Bahamas. He is assisted in his trials to retrieve the warheads (operation "Thunderball") by an old chum working for the CIA, named Felix and sporting big hair. The resident Bond girl is nicknamed "Domino", continuing the string of rather laughably named females.

All in all, despite its obvious flaws, this film is rather enjoyable. Q has a lovely scene with 007, in which he can live out his adorable grumpiness.

4/10

Goldfinger

Goldfinger marks the first Bond film in which a renowned artist sings the so-called Bond theme. The wonderful Shirley Bassey eventually sang three Bond themes, this one probably being my favorite.

It also marks a rather unfortunate beginning for 007 himself. First, he wears a onesie, then he shows off some back hair (ew!) and he gets his lover killed. She looks very pretty when dead, of course, covered all in gold. This also started the believe that a body covered in gold dies from 'epidermal suffocation' unless you leave a patch of skin on the neck uncovered. Whereas it is possible for toxins or bacteria could enter the body through the skin pores and can lead to injury and in the worst case death, it is highly unlikely to happen in the manner depicted. But it does look pretty.

We also have the first villain played by a respected character actor, making bond villain quite an interesting gig. The late Gert Fröbe plays Auric Goldfinger, aided by his henchman/bodyguard Oddjob (and his murderous hat!). The Bond girl in this has the to date most ridiculous name (and still the legendary one) - Pussy Galore.

And on top of it all, Goldfinger also features another well-remembered scene - Bond gets straped to a table and a laser threatens to cut him in half - you know the one I am talking about. Q also gave James Bond a pimped up car to play with (and ruin).

For all the above, this remains one of the highlights of the series and one of the best Bond films to date.

9/10

From Russia with Love

The second James Bond film revolves around a cryptograph, quite a handy device with the cold war going on and such. The evil SPECTRE empire devises a plan to steal on such thing from the Soviets and then sell it back to them. In a film full of agent and double agents the big, bad, mysterious mastermind is only referred to as "Number 1". Yet we are treated to a shot of the (iconic!) white cat!

The bond girl, Tatiana Romanova, is recruited by SPECTRE's number 3 Rosa Klebb as a means to fool the Brits. Poor Tatiana (Tania to her friends) is led to believe she is doing it for Mother Russia, thinking Klebb to be working for SMERSH (whaterever that may be). Incidentally, Klebb is played by one Lotte Lenya, who was born in my hometown of Vienna.

The adventure begins in Istanbul and takes Bond and Tania (with an unfortunate contact from Turkey) via train, truck (already without their Turkish friend) and powerboat all the way to Venice. Hot on their heels is one SPECTRE minion, a well built blond agent.

Now, what is it with people laying out the entirety of their plans to someone they intend to kill? It is one of those story devises I always found rather puzzling and, ultimately, annoying. Here it is used through the blond guy, who thinks himself about to do away with 007. Oh, well.

In the end, British coolness prevails - girl, cryptograph and all.

6/10

Dr. No

The first of many, many James Bond films is Dr. No.

James Bond himself is played, of course, by Sean Connery. Obviously, this is the type of secret agent that defined similar characters for years to come. And this is what James Bond was to be like for a long time - right up to Daniel Craig, who was remodeled in the spirit of re-imagination that took place around the time. Before, it was not possible for a hero of his caliber (or Batman, or Spiderman, etc.) to show any signs of vulnerability. 007 is suave, cool and a ladies' man.

The first so-called Bond girl is Ursula Andress. Her name? Honey Ryder. The names of the Bond girls were persistantly ridiculous and put the female in her place. She is "Honey" as well as "honey" and not only needs saving, she also falls for the hero. She is introduced with the obligatory bikini shot.

The villain is Dr. No, a half-German, half-Chinese recluse, who is a member of SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion). SPECTRE becomes a theme throughout the series and - as we learn in later films - is headed by evil genius Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Dr. No, as well as several other Asian characters in the film, is played by caucasian actor, Joseph Wiseman. This was in a more innocent time, after all, before casting a white man in the role of an Asian man was being frowned upon.

The plot is straight-forward. Dr. No plans to interfere with the Project Mercury launch with his atomic-powered radio beam. He works from within a well-protected secret lair, filled with quite the art collection - including a Goya painting of the Duke of Wellington, that had been stolen in the year before the film came out and was only recovered in 1965.

Bond strolls through the Jamaican scenery while doging more than one attempt on his life, thanks to his driving skills, his natural suspiciousness and sheer luck. The tarantula scene had to be filmed with a stuntman, as Sean Connery suffers from Arachnophobia.

In the end, he single-handedly takes out Dr. No's entire operation and saves the dame.

5/10