It!

When a warehouse holding artifacts owned by an antique museum burns down, the only piece left standing is a rather crude looking statue. The curator, Mr. Grove, and his assistant, Arhur Pimm, come to the scene to look at the damage. Grove decides that the statue is to be displayed in the museum and as Pimm walks off, Grove puts an umbrella he bought along into the statues arms to have a closer look at etchings on the statues side. Then Pimm hears a scream, rushes back and finds Grove dead on the ground, his umbrella beside him but the arms of the statue have apparently moved.

In the museum, the statue is back to its original form but after an electrician makes fun of it and swipes a match on it, he too dies as the thing lands on top of him. Pimm starts to slowly realize that something about the statue is not quite right. But then, neither is Pimm himself. He lives with the embalmed body of his dead mother propped up in a chair, tells her about his day, makes her tea and brings home jewelry from the museum for her to wear.

An expert from New York is flown in to evaluate the piece and possibly acquire it for a museum there. Yes, of course the expert was from the States and handsome to boot. Back in the 1950's and 1960's them and scientists, too, were of the dashing, daring sort. They only apparently became nerds in the 1980's (long before it was cool).

Meanwhile, Pimm does his own digging into the origin and the writing on the statue. The statue is an actual golem. Pimm bullies an aging rabbi into giving him the information and scripture he needs to command the statue, at this point only half believing in its usefulness himself.

Back at the museum, he follows all steps that would give him commanding power over the golem. And, alsas!, it works! He has the golem kill the new curator (a job Pimm expected to be rightfully his) and then has him/it tear down a bridge to impress wide-eyes, blonde Ellen, Mr. Grove's daughter. She, of course, it already smitten by the American expert. That guy is the first besides Pimm to realize what they are dealing with and - what's more important - that Pimm has taken command of the statue.

When Pimm, who is at this point already losing control over the golem and tried to get rid of it by burning it or telling it to walk into the sea - to no avail -, is taken into custody, the statue runs rampant (walking through walls, breaking open doors) and frees him. Then Pimm takes the golem, his mother and the still wide-eyed, blonde Ellen (slightly terrified possibly, but who's to say whether the eyes got any wider than before) to a cloister that is to be acquired by the museum. There, the arrival of the golem and dead mother terrify the lone inhabitant, an elderly, matronly librarian. When the two women conspire to escape by setting fire to the roof, Pimm burns the poor old woman.

Outside, the British army has taken up shop to destroy the golem with ever larger weapons. As nothing works, it is decided to shoot off a 'small nuclear warhead' at the cloister, never mind the collateral damage. Pimm finally lets the whining Ellen go and is the only one besides the golem inside the cloister when the device destroys it. Out of the ruble rises the golem to walk off into the ocean.

Flawed and already outdated when it was made.

5/10

Octopussy

In case you wondered, 'Octopussy' is a woman. She lives on an island with women on it. Lots and lots of women. And, yes, Bond beds her.

Now that we got that out of the way, here's the story in a nutshell:
Bond has to follow a general stealing jewelry from the Russian government. The trace leads him to an Afghan prince and the title-giving Octopussy. He unscovers some plot that involves...wait for it...nuclear weaponry. And Fabergé eggs. Obviously.

The locations this time around are East Berlin and the much more exotic India. Some of the character's names include Kamal Khan (the Afghan prince), Orlov (the general), Gobinda (bodyguard and henchman), Mischka & Grischka (circus artists), Gogol (Russian writer a Soviet general) and - my favorite - Penelope Smallbone (assistant to Moneypenny). None of the cast names rings a bell for me (other than the usual suspects).

This features an abundance of ridiculous and very obvious one liners, that more often than not miss the mark (I think). It's all very silly, really. Also, if you suffer from Coulrophobia, do not watch this!

Ok, maybe that's just me. I was never much a fan of the franchise, only having seen the occasional film (and remembering Goldfinger rather fondly). I only became a fan when Daniel Craig took over and decided to watch all Bond films - from earliest to latest. It looks like anything that become before the re-vamping with Craig as Bond was not for me (I suspected as much). At this point, I'm in it for the villains, who are not much to speak of in Octopussy.

4/10

Never Say Never Again

This is the one James Bond film that is not officially part of the series. From the very first instant - when the beginning credits set in - we know that everything is different. There is no shadowy figure in the round seeker of a gun turning towards the camera and shooting followed by a song performed by the superstar of the moment. There is a different M, a different Q, even a different Felix.

But the story is very James Bond-y and the original 007 is back (again). The location is as exotic as ever and the cast is fantastic: Klaus Maria Brandauer, Max von Sydow, Edward Fox, Kim Basinger, Rowan Atkinson. The fashion (other than Bond's classic tuxedo) is painfully 1980's.

The woman in the picture does not only commit a typical 1980's fashion crime, she is also totally bonkers. For instance, she insists on being the best lay Bond has ever had and wants him to put that in writing. James, of course, has been handed a pen out of Q's little shop and shoots her with it. The crazy bitch is not the only woman that ends up in Bond's arms before he saves the day.

Some more recurring themes: a casino and some deep sea diving. Nothing new, but an interesting attempt of trying to secure a piece of the franchise cake. It remains the only one thus far.

6/10

The Spy Who Loved Me

In the year of 1977 the James Bond Travel Agency suggests a journey to Egypt, to experience the grandness of the pyramids and adjoining monuments.

While among the aforementioned monuments, Bond and his rival/associate KGB agent triple X (Barbara Bach) spend a while chasing after Jaw (yes, yes, the guy with the metal teeth) among the vast monuments - before getting chased by him in return. The objective is to retrieve a microfilm. Jaw and his assistant henchman Sandor (a rather short role) were sent by Karl Stromberg (the great Curd Jürgens) to search after said microfilm and kill everyone that comes in contact with it.

What does the villain want this time? Trigger a global nuclear war, of course. Don't they always? There is yet another train trip (a recurring Bond theme), during which Bond and triple X get attacked by Jaw again (What? You thought dumping an entire scaffolding including stones on him would get rid of him? Or even throwing him out the window of a moving train?).

The big showdown takes place in a much more elaborate venue. No, not an island. That is getting rather old and we'll get around to it again in later Bond films (Skyfall anyone?). On a big-ass ship, that captures submarines in its belly. Oh, and don't worry. There's a car chase, too.

Despite all the ridiculousness and repetitiveness, the showdown is awesome.

6/10

The War of the Worlds

Ah, 1950s science fiction films! How I love them! The (retrospectively) cheap-looking special effects, the dashing hero - so often a non-dorky scientist, the bad ass military, the girl that needs saving, the psychedelic 'alien' noises.

In the 1953 film adaption of the H. G. Wells classic you get all of the above.

First, however, a spoken intro set to paintings of planets and stars before the real action starts. About 50 minutes into the film, as we make a jump from the early days of the war to vast devastation, this voice of authority will give as the gist of what happened.

What is thought to be a meteor lands near a small California town, witnessed by many town folks and a group of scientists fishing in the area. Everyone and their grandmother comes out to have a look and they are nearly celebrating, already counting money that can be made out of the event. In sweeps the dashing hero, a handsome, if bespectacled, scientist by the name of Dr. Clayton Forrester. The first person he encounters at the scene is the girl that will soon need saving. She is scientifically interested and well aware who he is. Her bravery in the face of the mounting danger diminishes over the course of the film and she turns into a hysterically shrieking little girl frequently.

Anyway, the meteor is not a meteor but a spaceship that brought enemy forces with it - weird looking machinery and three-eyed aliens that have a mind to kill everything and everyone that stands in their way. This first spaceship is followed by many others across the globe and the title-giving war of the worlds begins.

No bombs, no tanks, not even the A-bomb have any effect on the invaders.There is no chance but to evacuate the destroyed cities as all hope dwindles. In the end, it is not humans that defeat the enemy, but rather the enemy falls out of the sky (literally) and dies because it cannot handle the earthly microorganisms.

Whereas the outline of the film is very close to the original text, it adds in some religious pathos, with a heroic priest and a church as shelter, which do not appear in the book.

5/10

Diamonds Are Forever

Ah, yes, Sean Connery is back. Phew! Glad that Mr. Lazenby was replaced again (I am not a fan).

We start off with the wonderful Shirley Bassey singing the title track. And then...Blofeld dies! Or does he? Of course he doesn't. He is, once again, the über-villain. This time around we are following a diamond trail. Everyone that comes into contact with the stones tends to die of unnatural causes.

The bad people come in twos. First, the dorkiest ever villains in a James Bond film, surely. A gay couple. Not sure what message it sends that you make the first gay people in the franchise overly comical. And while we're at lack of political correctness - very much a sign of the times, of course - again a black woman is likened to a primate. Whereas the black Angel of Death in the previous film ate nothing but bananas, here we go even further. A black woman that turns into a gorilla. Nicely played. (*sarcasm*)

Anyway, back to the villainous duos. Then two beauties beat up James Bond for a bit, before he gets the upper hand on them (literally). They are called Thumper and Bambi, along with Plenty O'Toole yet more specimen of strange names for women in Bond films. The two try to keep Bond away from the missing and illustrious gazillionaire (one assumes), Mr. Whyte, whose properties and general wealth have been used by Mr. Blofeld to start off a nuclear war (yet again).

And speaking of twos: There is more than one Blofeld, thanks to the wonders of plastic surgery. Having a double has, however, not made him any smarter. He lets Bond slip through his fingers yet again when he has the chance to shoot him. He should by now know better than to keep him alive as a possible bargaining chip (or whatever).

In the end, 007 saves the day and the diamonds - now part of a satellite - revolve in space.

6/10

Thunderball

Could this be the James Bond film with the most ridiculous opening ever?

007 fights with and kills a guy in drag, fresh from a funeral where he/she pretended to be his own widow. Afterwards, the agent flies off in a jetback and drives off in a car with an installed water cannon he and his female companion use on the bad guys. And all of this happens before Tom Jones even belts out the theme song.

Of course, it has nothing at all to do with the film to come. The über-villain is once again Blofeld, in the context of this operation referred to as "no. 1". While meeting with his other numbered associates he sits behind a garage door like barrier, lowered only to cover his face. Through the joints one can see him with - *gasp!* - hair. Also, he is stroking his ever present white cat.

"No. 2" aka Emilio Largo turns out to be the villian Bond needs to fight. Finally! A bad guy with an eye patch!

The plot is yet again straight forward - SPECTRE steals two atomic warheads from a NATO plane to use as a means of extortion. James Bond spends most of the film breaking into hotel rooms and running around in shorts - we are, after all, in the Bahamas. He is assisted in his trials to retrieve the warheads (operation "Thunderball") by an old chum working for the CIA, named Felix and sporting big hair. The resident Bond girl is nicknamed "Domino", continuing the string of rather laughably named females.

All in all, despite its obvious flaws, this film is rather enjoyable. Q has a lovely scene with 007, in which he can live out his adorable grumpiness.

4/10

Invaders from Mars

I'm a sucker for sci-fi films of the 1950s-1970s. Futuristic gadgets that were only imagined at the time usually looked nothing like the real thing realized years, or even decades, later. Scientists were smartly dressed men that could get the girl anytime. We've come a long way towards the tech nerds sitting in basements, haven't we?

Invaders from Mars was made in a simpler time. Here grown-ups would still listen to little kids like David when they tell their stories of space ships and sand pits swallowing people that later reappear changed into robotic shells lacking all humanity.

See, David is a good child with friends in high places. His father (seemingly the first victim of the space invaders) is, after all, a rocket scientist and his young son was always looking through telescopes and listened closely to what the smart scientists had to say.

When he tries to alert the athorities he first stumbles into some unpleasent situations since the invaders work rapidly and get to some people before David does. He does find help from a beautiful young female psychiatrist and one of the aforementioned smartly dressed scientists that alert the military (obviously) after hearing David's tale.

In combat, the brave few fight off the green (!) Martians, apparently descended upon the earth to sabotage an atomic rocket. The aliens leave. Day = saved.

Or is it?

The ending calls the whole story into question. Maybe all was just in David's dream? Or maybe he had a prophetic dream? Oh my God, could he be stuck in an infinite nightmare-loop?!

5/10