Deep Blue Sea

On a remote research facility - actually a former submarine refueling station - a group of scientists works on a cure for Alzheimer's disease. On of them, Dr. Susan McAlester, has not quite conducted herself as the code of ethics require her to. She secretly tampered with their test subjects - a trio of Mako sharks - to increase their brain capacity - because bigger brains = more test material to harvest, right. Well, actually, bigger brains = smarter sharks, also.

The first indication of the troubles to come is an attack on a boat full of teenagers by an escaped shark. After the incident, a representative of the financiers of the project, Russell Franklin, is sent to the research facility to investigate. To impress the man, the team takes brain tissue from the largest of the three sharks (all of them back in captivity now). During the procedure, however, the fish tears off one scientist's arm. Then the helicopter sent to rescue the injured man is downed by sharks, as well, taking with it part of the construction. The body of the poor injured researcher is then used as a ram to smash a window of the lab, flooding it.

At this point, Dr. McAlester confesses to her fellow scientists. After initially being angry at her, Franklin holds a rousing speach about the importance of group unity. Here follows the most ridiculously brilliant scene of the entire film. Franklin, who stands on the edge of a basin opening into the sea, is snatched off and eaten by two sharks. Mid sentence. The group rallying to find a way to get up to surface is ever dwindling in numbers and at the same time, somewhere inside the facility the cook Sherman "Preacher" Dudley (with his pet parrot) is also trying to escape.

The only people to actually make it to the surface are Dr. McAlester, the gung ho Carter Blake and Preacher, who is almost eaten by one of the sharks but manages to get to safety. In an effort to save her fellow survivors (and possibly make amends for what she has done) Dr. McAlester lures the - now also diminished number of - sharks away from the others by offering herself up as bait. Unfortunately for her, this works for the other two but she does not manage to escape. While she is being eaten, the last shark is shot by Preacher.

Has all the makings of a run of the mill don't-mess-with-genetics thriller, with just enough humor to make it worthwhile.

6/10

Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

Normally, I don't like musicals. That is, unless they are either very funny or hilariously ridiculous, which is to say that I like this. Also, it is about 42 minutes short. That helps, too.

Dr. Horrible, aspiring super villain, wants to to join the Evil League of Evil. Unfortunately, when he is in the middle of earning his place by committing a crime he gets stopped by his arch nemesis, Captain Hammer. Not only does Captain Hammer beat him off, he also gets Penny, the girl Dr. Horrible is in love with but was previously too shy to even talk to.

Captain Hammer is quite a tool (pun intended), who is basically in love with himself and only wants Penny because he knows Horrible is in love with her.

Penny's goal is to get the city to donate a building to be used as a homeless shelter. When Hammer gets the mayor to grant the request, he gets lauded as the hero. During the opening (and revelation of a Captain Hammer statue) of the center comes the big showdown between the two rival, from which Dr. Horrible walks away the winner, gaining entry into the Evil League of Evil but losing Penny, who dies in the shoot-out.

5/10

Dr. No

The first of many, many James Bond films is Dr. No.

James Bond himself is played, of course, by Sean Connery. Obviously, this is the type of secret agent that defined similar characters for years to come. And this is what James Bond was to be like for a long time - right up to Daniel Craig, who was remodeled in the spirit of re-imagination that took place around the time. Before, it was not possible for a hero of his caliber (or Batman, or Spiderman, etc.) to show any signs of vulnerability. 007 is suave, cool and a ladies' man.

The first so-called Bond girl is Ursula Andress. Her name? Honey Ryder. The names of the Bond girls were persistantly ridiculous and put the female in her place. She is "Honey" as well as "honey" and not only needs saving, she also falls for the hero. She is introduced with the obligatory bikini shot.

The villain is Dr. No, a half-German, half-Chinese recluse, who is a member of SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, and Extortion). SPECTRE becomes a theme throughout the series and - as we learn in later films - is headed by evil genius Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Dr. No, as well as several other Asian characters in the film, is played by caucasian actor, Joseph Wiseman. This was in a more innocent time, after all, before casting a white man in the role of an Asian man was being frowned upon.

The plot is straight-forward. Dr. No plans to interfere with the Project Mercury launch with his atomic-powered radio beam. He works from within a well-protected secret lair, filled with quite the art collection - including a Goya painting of the Duke of Wellington, that had been stolen in the year before the film came out and was only recovered in 1965.

Bond strolls through the Jamaican scenery while doging more than one attempt on his life, thanks to his driving skills, his natural suspiciousness and sheer luck. The tarantula scene had to be filmed with a stuntman, as Sean Connery suffers from Arachnophobia.

In the end, he single-handedly takes out Dr. No's entire operation and saves the dame.

5/10

Chernobyl Diaries

This film is crap. So much of it does not make sense.

I get why one would get a kick out of going to the site of the Chernobyl disaster. I wouldn't but I do get it. There is probably some excitement to going there illegally with a freelance tour guide called Yuri.

However, why this Yuri character would run off in the dark because people are bothered by a sound that may or may not be a baby is not as cut and dried to me. Especially, why he would speed off in some random direction is beyond me.

Even more baffling is one of the Americans going after him for no apparent reason, and unarmed.

What follows is a lot of running to and fro and getting hunted by wild dogs, that turn out to not be the actual menace hiding at the site.

No, when radioactivity comes into play, cue the mutants. Human mutants, that is. There are also the experiment-happy doctors to 'treat' them. And they wonder why the survivors of the Chernobyl disaster would be upset by the film. Seriously? You portray them as fucking mutants. Of course they are upset.

Then we never even get a good look at the mutants because everything is all dark and quickly cut and obscure.

But the most irritating thing is the ending. The military comes in and shoots one of the two survivors but takes the other one to their hospital to - wait for it - feed her to the mutants. What? You couldn't just have shot her, as well? Or offer both up as food?

Makes. No. Sense.

On the plus side, this features the cute guy from $#*! My Dad Says.

1/10 (and I'm being generous here)

Nazis at the Center of the Earth

Did you ever wonder whatever became of Dominique Swain, Lolita to Jeremy Iron's Humbert Humbert in 1997? I have an answer for you. She does films like Nazis at the Center of the Earth.

Sounds bad?

It is.

A group of very smart people (scientists!) working in Antarctica stumble upon a Nazi lair - you guessed it - under ground (not nearly at the center of the earth, but whatever). Down here, Josef Mengele is still alive (or, again) and the young scientists did not find him and his minions by accident. One of the group (played by Jake Busey) was secretly working for the Nazis all along, recruiting brilliant minds for their weird project, which requires them to skin people alive and possibly eat one or two (not sure, there was a confusing scene involving some of the works-in-progress and a young woman).

Given the involvement of Nazis old and new this would obviously be (a) a horror film and (b) in poor taste (incl. a scene in which the women scientists are going "to the showers").

Also, the film sees the return of the big bad wolf himself, Adolf Hitler (or parts of him, or whatever).

This was direct-to-video. I am not surprised.

1/10