Tales from the Crypt: And All Through the House

A woman kills her husband with a poker to the head on Christmas Eve. After she sends her daughter to bed, who is all excited about the impending visit of Santa Claus, she dregs the body out of the house to drop it into a well.

As she does so she misses the all important news bulletin warning people in the area of an escaped convict, murderer of four women, who is heavy set and thought to be dressed up as - you guessed it - Santa. And he attacks her right then and there. Luckily, she is able to fend him off and flee into the (yes, very remote) house.

In her first panic, she calls 911 but hangs up when she cannot see her attacker. Shortly after, her phone rings, but while she ponders whether or not she should answer, a tire comes flying though the window and Santa attacks her from behind.She manages to smash his head in with an ax he was carrying.

Then the phone rings again. Local law enforcement checks up on all residents in the area and she is informed that an officer will stop by in 20 minutes. Now that she has two bodies laying outside, she plans to frame Santa for her husbands death, hitting his head with the ax a few times to cover up the head wound from the poker.

Then the door to the house falls shut and she searches her husbands body for the keys while her little daughter looks out the window to see a shape in the snow where until just a minute ago the body of Santa had been lying. Must not have been as dead, after all.

Then she calls to report her husband's murder and when looking out the window realizes that the ax is no longer in his head and that Santa is no longer dead. Now she is in a real panic. She accidentally locks herself inside a closet right under her daughter's room and watches as Santa climbs up a ladder, ax in hand with the little girl cheering him on.

The last scene is the girl holding Santa's hand followed by a close up of the mother screaming.

5/10

Love Actually

'Tis the time of year to watch Christmas themed movies. Before seeing my traditional Scrooged I re-watched the lovely Love Actually.

The film is made up of different relationship stories playing out in the weeks leading up to Christmas.

Billy Mack, an aging rock star, tries to make a comeback by making a shitty single, hoping to make the coveted Christmas no. 1. The song is a cover of Love Is All Around, in which the word 'love' is simply replaced by 'Christmas', no matter the difference in syllables. His promise is to strip on national TV if the buyers get his song to the no. 1 spot. It works. He ends up spending Christmas with his long time manager, realizing that he is the closest person to him in the world.

Writer Jamie, finding his girlfriend cheating on him with his brother, goes on a trip to France to work on a book. There, he is introduced to Aurelia, a Portuguese cleaning lady. She does not speak English, he does not speak Portuguese, which leads to cute conversations. Back in England he learns her language and goes back to propose to her, with her father, her sister and her entire neighborhood watching.

Daniel has recently lost his wife and is left to help his step son Sam with his conundrum. Sam is in love with a girl he believes does not know him. She sings and to get his attention he learns the drums and performs in her band during a Christmas show. But the world works against him. His beloved - Joanna - is about to leave for the US. Daniel and Sam rush to the airport so that Sam can profess his love.

Daniel's sister, Karen, has troubles of her own. She finds a gold heart on a chain in her husband Harry's pocket and believes this to be her Christmas present. On Christmas Eve, however, she gets to open a package of similar proportions to find a Joni Mitchell CD. The heart went to Daniel's new assistant Mia, who is basically offering herself up to him on a platter.

Harry's employee Sarah, who is in love with her colleague Karl, and everybody knows it. But when the two finally get together, Sarah gets sidetracked by a phone call from her brother Michael. Michael is in a mental institution and calls his sister a lot and she will always, always, always take the call. There seems to be no hope for Sarah and Karl.

Young Colin has everything figured out. He buys a ticket to the US because he is convinced that hot women just hang around in bars waiting for someone with a British accent. So upon landing in Milwaukee he walks into the first bar he chances upon. And he was right about everything. The women in the joint fall over themselves to get him to come home with them. They offer him a place to sleep, but only have one bed between four women and he will have to squeeze in with them. The poor girls are so poor they cannot afford pajamas and have to sleep naked....

Body doubles John and Judy meet while working on a film together. They act out different scenes in different stages of undress despite being rather shy and taking their sweet time before finally going out together.

Then there is the triangle of Mark, Peter and Juliet. Peter just married Juliet, who Mark is hopelessly in love with. As a self defense mechanism he barely speaks with Juliet who thinks that he cannot stand her.

And then there is the new prime minister to Britain, brother to Karen and Daniel, who on his first day in office falls in love with Natalie, who works at Downing Street 10 until his discomfort with the situation makes him request she be moved elsewhere. After receiving a Christmas card from Natalie, he goes off in search for her. Knowing only the name of the street where she lives, he knows on every door until he finds her, leaving people confused. He even has to sing carols for a trio of little girls.

One of those films I can watch over and over again. So sweet and so funny.

7/10

Deck the Halls

One last brainless Christmas comedy before the season ends. This one is Matthew Broderick vs. Danny DeVito, two angry neighbors. Broderick, obviously, is the uptight one who is used to being 'The Christmas Guy' upset about DeVito's strive to make his house visible from outer space by the use of Christmas lights.

Yes, it is as shallow as it sounds.

Funniest bit:
The two men washing their eyes out with holy water because they have just seen their daughters dancing in skimpy dresses and cheered them on before they realized who they were.

Also, Kal Penn has a tiny (uncredited) role in this. I love Kal Penn.

3/10

Scrooged

I love this film. I watch it every year at Christmas. Every! Year!

Yes, it exploits every Christmas sentiment and it features run-of-the-mill jokes. But it has the power to reduce me to a crying mess. The scene when little Calvin starts to talk again at the end gets me every single time.

The story is the standard one. Francis Cross (Bill Murray) is a heartless network president that makes people work on a live show on Christmas Eve and has no quarrels about firing people around Christmas and giving a cheap towel to his little brother as a present.

As Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cross gets visited by three ghosts.

The ghost of Christmas past is a taxi driver that takes him back to his childhood days and the initial meeting and subsequent loss of the potential love of his life, Claire, who is everything Cross is not - kind, selfless and bighearted.

The ghost of Christmas present takes a more direct approach, in as much that she keeps hurting him - head butts, kicks in the balls and on the chin. She shows him that not everyone is as fortunate and cynical as he is. The ghost is played by Carol Kane, who is absolutely hilarious in this role.

The ghost of Christmas future is a rather frightful creature showing him a bleak future for him and all the people close to him. This one, of course, makes Cross realize that he needs to change his ways.

The grand finale features the new and improved Cross giving a heartfelt speech about the real meaning of Christmas, the reunion with Claire and everyone breaking into song, doing a group rendition of Put a Little Love in Your Heart.

Watched it. I will have my presents now!

8/10

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Nothing is as heartwarming around Christmas time as a tale involving a small community, a group of children and the real Santa Claus. Santa Claus is, of course, a monster that does not reward the good kids but punishes the bad ones.

When Santa is excavated in some mountain area in Lapland, reindeer (and the excavation team) get killed and children disappear. This courtesy of Santa's Little Helpers, who look slightly scary.

A group of locals first try to extort money from the man who originally paid for the up-digging but once they realize that the man in custody is not actually Santa himself and, well, their kids are gone, they decide to take action. Santa is still frozen inside a huge block of ice and all the radiators his minions have stolen are simply not fast enough to unfreeze him before the men put the plan devised by the one left child into action.

The young boy plays bait and (together with a cargo made up from all the other, recently discovered, children of the town) lures Santa's Little Helpers away from the shed the block of ice is stored in. While they are well away from any danger, Santa gets blown to bits. His Little Helpers get retrained over the next year and are exported to serve as traditional Santa Clauses all over the world.

Christmas is saved!

6/10