47 Ronin

This is the seventh time, the (apparently) famous Japanese story of the 47 Ronin has been made into film. The tale must have quite the impact on the Japanese, as the graves of the 47 (or, there should be 46, if the retelling in this version is to be believed, shouldn't there?) are still honored and visited every year to celebrate their bravery. The films came out in 1947, 1958, 1962, 1978, 1994 and 2010 before Hollywood got its fingers on it and threw big money towards a lavish production.

The men seek revenge for their master, who has been tricked to lose his honor. But the shogun, benevolently, allowed him to day an honorable death anyway. His former samurai are forbidden to take revenge on the villain, who - for good measure - throws the number 2 guy, Ōishi, in a dungeon for a year, also the period of time he allows the master's daughter to mourn her father before having to marry the villain.

When the year comes to an end, Ōishi is freed and looks for the 'half breed' Kai, who may or may not be a demon (yes, of course he is...sort of), and who is also in love with the aforementioned daughter. Ōishi finds Kai in some Pirates of the Caribbean looking harbor (I could swear I saw Captain Jack Sparrow), where is enslaved and has to fight creatures that have been reused from the production of The Lord of the Rings, no doubt.

Together they find the other ronin, some of whom are none to happy to have Kai back. But there is a lady to save from an unhappy marriage, so they put their differences aside for the time being and go off to find weapons worthy of their cause. Luckily, a much younger Kai once fled from a magic forest, where swords grow. He leads them back their and arms the men.

The rest of the story is scheming the forbidden revenge. They suffer setbacks, mostly courtesy of the witch that the villain employs (at her worst she turns into a whirling mess of cloth and disguises herself as the evil cousin of Falkor the Luck Dragon). But they are let into the fortress of the villain on his wedding day by hiding with a theater group (Trojan horse, if ever there was one) and kick some ass, save the girl and behead the evil villain.

The shogun, ever the gentlemen, berates them for disobeying his order of non-revenge and allows them to day honorably, as well, save for Ōishi son, who is spared so that the brave man's bloodline can continue.

All this is spectacular to look at, no doubt. Who cares if the acting is wooden (it is, after all, Keanu Reeves we are looking at)? I had fun, although I cannot confirm the exact number of the ronin involved, as it seemed to fluctuate quite a bit. They officially announced themselves to be 47 at around the 1 h 23 min mark, after they had already suffered some casualties. Oh well, whatever.

A revelation this is not. The historic accuracy is highly doubtful. The acting is average at best (except for Ōishi, Ōishi is awesome). But it is beautifully shot and you can tell where the budget went.

6/10

Matango (Attack of the Mushroom People)

A professor tells his story in the psychiatric ward in a hospital in Tokyo.

He was on a sailing trip when the boat got into a storm which left it ruined. After drifting in the open sea for a few days, the group of travelers strands on a small island. When they venture inside in search of food and water they first discover a pond that appears to be man made and is surrounded by a field of mushrooms.

Later, they discover a shipwreck covered in fungus, but where they also find some food. The longer they remain and with food running low, they start to get more agitated until one of them starts eating the mushrooms.

One day, the group starts getting randomly attacked by a weird (mushroom like) creature and - also under the influence of the mushrooms - they start turning on each other. They die/go crazy/get killed one after the other until only the professor is left and flees onto the drifting yacht.

While waiting for rescue or death, he questions his leaving one of the women, Akiko, behind, thinking he might have been happier with his love, infected by the mushrooms or not. He is discovered a few days later, questioning humanity and their not being so different from the mushroom people.

3/10

You Only Live Twice

Outerspace kidnapping! Piranhas! Ninjas! Blofeld!

Forget what I said about Thunderball having the most ridiculous opening of any James Bond film. This beats it. An American spacecraft gets kidnapped - in outerspace! SPECTRE honcho Ernst Stavros Blofeld wants to ignite a war between the US and the USSR. This in the midst of not only the Cold War but also the race to space between the two superpowers.

James Bond, meanwhile, dies.

Of course he doesn't. This is only to shake some of his enemies off his back. This works on a couple of Blofeld's associates, but the big cheese knows Bond is alive. His no. 11 gets fed to the piranhas for failing to kill Bond.

For some really, really covert business, Bond has to turn into a married Japanese ninja. Obviously. His disguise sports the following reaction: What? That's Sean Connery? Well, I never. This disguise is.....crap.

Bond and his fake wife Kissy Suzuki discover a secret rocket base that Bond enters. He gets discovered (so much for the fancy dress-up), but manages to escape and let in his fellow ninjas and together they save the world from a US/USSR war. In the midst of all this we see Blofeld himself for the very first time, here played by Donald Pleasence

The script for this film was written by Roald Dahl. I declare this the most ridiculous of Bond films (up to this point).

3/10