Labyrinth

What happens when you let David Bowie run loose in Jim Henson's Muppet land?

Well, magic, of course.

Teenager Sarah, who still lives in a child's dreamworld is upset with her father and stepmother for having her once again babysit her annoying little brother. He just won't stop crying and she just wishes the goblins would come and take him away.

And so they do.

Little Toby is taken to the castle of the goblin king Jareth and Sarah, now panicky about what she has done, has 13 hours to make her way to the castle and save the boy. Her quest leads her through a labyrinth (hence, the title) and many an adventure, helped and sometimes hindered by the strange creatures she encounters.

The story is set somewhere between The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, but with the noticeable Jim Henson touch - with many awesome Muppets. And yes, awesome music.

I am not sure what they were on when they thought of this script but the final product is quite awesome.

7/10

47 Ronin

This is the seventh time, the (apparently) famous Japanese story of the 47 Ronin has been made into film. The tale must have quite the impact on the Japanese, as the graves of the 47 (or, there should be 46, if the retelling in this version is to be believed, shouldn't there?) are still honored and visited every year to celebrate their bravery. The films came out in 1947, 1958, 1962, 1978, 1994 and 2010 before Hollywood got its fingers on it and threw big money towards a lavish production.

The men seek revenge for their master, who has been tricked to lose his honor. But the shogun, benevolently, allowed him to day an honorable death anyway. His former samurai are forbidden to take revenge on the villain, who - for good measure - throws the number 2 guy, Ōishi, in a dungeon for a year, also the period of time he allows the master's daughter to mourn her father before having to marry the villain.

When the year comes to an end, Ōishi is freed and looks for the 'half breed' Kai, who may or may not be a demon (yes, of course he is...sort of), and who is also in love with the aforementioned daughter. Ōishi finds Kai in some Pirates of the Caribbean looking harbor (I could swear I saw Captain Jack Sparrow), where is enslaved and has to fight creatures that have been reused from the production of The Lord of the Rings, no doubt.

Together they find the other ronin, some of whom are none to happy to have Kai back. But there is a lady to save from an unhappy marriage, so they put their differences aside for the time being and go off to find weapons worthy of their cause. Luckily, a much younger Kai once fled from a magic forest, where swords grow. He leads them back their and arms the men.

The rest of the story is scheming the forbidden revenge. They suffer setbacks, mostly courtesy of the witch that the villain employs (at her worst she turns into a whirling mess of cloth and disguises herself as the evil cousin of Falkor the Luck Dragon). But they are let into the fortress of the villain on his wedding day by hiding with a theater group (Trojan horse, if ever there was one) and kick some ass, save the girl and behead the evil villain.

The shogun, ever the gentlemen, berates them for disobeying his order of non-revenge and allows them to day honorably, as well, save for Ōishi son, who is spared so that the brave man's bloodline can continue.

All this is spectacular to look at, no doubt. Who cares if the acting is wooden (it is, after all, Keanu Reeves we are looking at)? I had fun, although I cannot confirm the exact number of the ronin involved, as it seemed to fluctuate quite a bit. They officially announced themselves to be 47 at around the 1 h 23 min mark, after they had already suffered some casualties. Oh well, whatever.

A revelation this is not. The historic accuracy is highly doubtful. The acting is average at best (except for Ōishi, Ōishi is awesome). But it is beautifully shot and you can tell where the budget went.

6/10

Legion

Archangel Michael has a six pack and he is bad-ass. He knows martial arts and can handle all kinds of weaponry.

Don't believe me? Just watch Legion and you will see.

Archangel Gabriel is also kind of bad-ass and I am pretty sure that he has a six pack underneath all that armor, as well. Alas, we never get to see him shirtless.

But back to Michael, who has fallen (jumped?) from heaven because there is one task God asked of him that he is not comfortable with. You see, unlike the Lord, Michael has not lost faith in humanity and would rather save a baby than kill it. Yes, this here God is a vengeful one.

The setting for most of the film is a diner in the middle of nowhere (from the proximity to LA I would guess in the Nevada desert). The people inside get there first taste of the pending apocalypse when a little old lady comes in ordering steak that is practically raw. Then she tells the waitress that her soon-to-be-born baby (the one Gabriel is sent to kill) will 'burn', insults another customer (for constantly complaining) and bites the husband defending his wife's honor in the neck.

Shortly after, Michael comes, arms everyone and they all defend the diner. Or actually, Charlie, the soon-to-be-mother-of-the-coming-savior. There is some religious talk and lots of gunfire against the swarms of possessed (?) people surrounding the diner. It's like Feast, but without the humor and with a prettier cast.

Then, after the baby is born, there is one epic bar fight between Michael and Gabriel. The latter has the advantage of his armor and the wings, that appear to be sort of like an extra shield and kills his ex-colleague. But instead of dying like 'one of them' he dissolves into ashes and light to return a bit later, having earned his wings back and defeats Gabriel...but does not kill him.

So full of pathos and religious mumbo-jumbo but oh so awesome.

And did I mention Michael's six pack?

7/10

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Q: How do you turn a fantasy novel of 310 pages (my paperback edition) into three overly long 3D films?

A: You don't.

The first half of the second part of the Hobbit trilogy seemed to drag on forever. The quest of the dwarf and hobbit team was more about running over plains from the evil orks, walking through mysterious forests, escaping elfish prisons, climbing mountains, hiding in barrels under fish and puzzling over how to open one of those secret doors that appear to be strewn out all over Middle Earth than it was about actually standing up to the evil creature that stole your kingdom.

The second half (of the second part...blah blah, you get the picture) was stunning. There was actual fighting going on and inhabitants of Middle Earth (dwarf, man, elf) showing their true colors and some actual bravery. The elfs came to help the dwarfs fight the orks and save a dwarf's life (practically unheard of). There is even the kindling of romance blossoming between an elfish maid and a dwarf (here Peter Jackson hit a snooze button). A human hero seams to be emerging, as well. But we will have none of this until the last film.

But Smaug is an amazing creature. The part of Bilbo trying to steal the one jewel that will make Thorin king again from the dragon and the furious dragon hunting the intruders is this film's saving grace. It is even long enough to make one almost forget the tediousness one had to sit through to get there.

It is by no means a bad film. It is simply bloated. But anyone who has actually read The Hobbit could have told you that as soon as word got out that it would become a trilogy.

Surely, part three has an epic battle in store.

6/10

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

Where to start with this mess?

Clary is not your normal young woman but rather a Shadowhunter which she only realizes when she starts drawing this symbol over and over. Turns out her mother is a Shadowhunter, too, that years ago stole and hid the Mortal Cup that everyone is after. One of the creepy guys that want it is one Valentine who learned to summon demons and went over to the dark side.

Then Clary gets attacked and saved and updated and armed. She crushes on Jace, another Shadowhunter, which will turn into this weird Luke/Leia thing later because, really, Valentine is both their father. There are also the aforementioned demons and werewolves and vampires and a witch but no zombies (because zombies are not real).

Also, Clary's friend Simon (who is, of course, in love with her) gets bitten by a vampire and only Clary knows and nothing ever comes of it, anyway. Not sure what the point of that was.

There is also some club hopping and double crossing and sword fights and half naked blond boys. And then there is the kitschy music moment and lots and lots of dopey dialogue.

What is really sad is that the wonderful Robert Sheehan is in this. What a waste.

Yeah, it's bad.

1/10

Percy Jackson 1+2

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Young, regular teenager Percy Jackson finds himself in the middle of a sticky situation. On the one hand he gets attacked by a monster that used to be his substitute English teacher and on the other hand his best friend turns out to be a Satyr, whose job it is to protect Percy and his mother. He learns that he is the son of the Greek god Poseidon.

The trouble is that Zeus' lightning bolt was stolen and the rumor is that half-blood Percy is accused of being the thief. To keep him safe, he is transported to a camp for half-bloods. But then Hades kidnaps his mother and to safe her and prevent a war of the Gods, Percy and his two sidekicks have to go to the underworld to free Percy's mother, retrieve the lightning bolt and return it to Zeus in time for the summer solstice.

The real thief turns out to be Luke, son of Hermes, who is convinced that the time of the old Gods is over and they should just go ahead and kill each other to clear the way for the next generation. Good prevails, of course, and a new hero for many films to come is born.

Was actually funnier than I expected it to be.

6/10


Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

In this second installment in the Percy Jackson franchise, the perimeter protecting Camp Half-Blood is shattered because the tree controlling/protecting is dying. The flashback tells us that the tree grew in memory of Zeus' daughter Thalia, who died protecting her friends right before reaching the safety of the camp. To save her/it and keep the half-bloods secure, someone needs to go and get the Golden Fleece, that has healing powers.

Über-achiever Clarisse gets the job, but Percy and his posse start their own quest for the Fleece because of some prophecy that says that the offspring of one of the brothers Zeus, Poseidon and Hades will either save or destroy the Gods. The trio has now become a foursome because Poseidon also had another son who is a Zyclops.

The culprit, once again, is Luke. He is still out to destroy the Gods and with the Golden Fleece he hopes to bring back to life Cronos, who had once been destroyed by his three sons. There is a big battle with the re-animated Cronos and after he is once again in pieces, the half-bloods return to the camp and let Clarisse have all the glory.

The Fleece turns out to be so powerful that not only does it heal the tree, it actually brings Thalia back to life. The film ends with a voice over by Percy wondering if the prophecy meant his spawn of the trio of brothers rather than him....part three is set, then.

6/10

One Million Years B.C.

This film takes us, well, One Million Years B.C. Do not look for historical accuracy, however. Here men coexists with dinosaurs (maybe this is where Sarah Palin got the idea?) and is endangered by any number of oversized creatures.

The population is divided into the Rock tribe (dark haired, rough edged) and the Shell tribe (blond and Eloi-esque), both groups unaware of the other's existence until one day Tumak fall out of the Rock tribe nest after a fight with his brother. He spends the next 15 minutes stumbling through scenery, narrowly escaping some of the creatures. He barely makes it to the sea, dehydrated and collapses. It is there that he encounters the Shell tribe. They take him in and almost immediately, he clashes with his Shell equivalent.

Eventually he runs off with Luana, the bikini clad beauty that initially rallied up her fellow fisherwomen to save him. They return to the Rock tribe, where animosity reigns because Tumak's brother tried to kill his father (and chief) while out hunting.

Luana has been picked up and flown off by one of the evil creatures and is presumed dead. When father and son go head to head in battle, the group supporting the ousted father are joined by the Shell tribe, brought by Luana,who has returned to them injured and weak.

They prevail, but then a volcano erupts and the survivors (including Tumark and Luana, of course) are molded now into one tribe, destined to brave the new world together.

Hilariously ridiculous.

4/10

Beasts of the Southern Wild

This is the story of Hushpuppy, who lives with her ailing, stubborn father in the Bathtub, a little slab of land in constant threat of disappearing through the frequent storms that flood it. A group of locals refuses to leave.

Hushpuppy gets some rough treatment from her father, because he wants her to grow up strong and survive in the world after he's gone, which is likely to happen sooner rather than later, as he suffers from a heart condition.

When the locals are forcefully evacuated after blowing a hole in a nearby levee that threatens their existence they break out of the medical camp again and return to the Bathtub. Tough group.

Hushpuppy is on a constant search for her missing (deceased?) mother while a horde of mythical aurochs roam the land and eventually face off with the little girl. But since Hushpuppy is 'the man', what chance can they possibly have?

The 9-year-old Oscar nominated Quvenzhané Wallis (and no, I have no idea how to pronounce that, either) is simply wonderful, carrying the entire film on her tiny (and then 5-year-old) shoulders.

9/10

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Nothing is as heartwarming around Christmas time as a tale involving a small community, a group of children and the real Santa Claus. Santa Claus is, of course, a monster that does not reward the good kids but punishes the bad ones.

When Santa is excavated in some mountain area in Lapland, reindeer (and the excavation team) get killed and children disappear. This courtesy of Santa's Little Helpers, who look slightly scary.

A group of locals first try to extort money from the man who originally paid for the up-digging but once they realize that the man in custody is not actually Santa himself and, well, their kids are gone, they decide to take action. Santa is still frozen inside a huge block of ice and all the radiators his minions have stolen are simply not fast enough to unfreeze him before the men put the plan devised by the one left child into action.

The young boy plays bait and (together with a cargo made up from all the other, recently discovered, children of the town) lures Santa's Little Helpers away from the shed the block of ice is stored in. While they are well away from any danger, Santa gets blown to bits. His Little Helpers get retrained over the next year and are exported to serve as traditional Santa Clauses all over the world.

Christmas is saved!

6/10

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

You know that Gollum figure that Dr. Sheldon Cooper has on his desk at home in The Big Bang Theory? I have that, too. I love Gollum. Unconditionally. Now imagine how happy it made me that he shared a wonderful scene with Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. Yes, very happy.

Actually, the whole film made me happy because it was far more entertaining (and funny too!) than I expected. See, I had my doubts about turning a book of under 400 pages into a trilogy. The advantage (if you want to call it that) of the concept, though, is that you can stay really close to the source material. J.R.R. Tolkien also left a treasure of stories about the history of Middle Earth that you could always use to butter up the films. After all, it is a tale that Bilbo writes down for Frodo and we all know that Bilbo is fond of telling tales.

The actual film throws you right back into the LOTR universe, even starting off like The Fellowship of the Ring, with Bilbo preparing for his 111th birthday, before the tale of the dwarves and Bilbo defeating Smaug the dragon even begins.

It felt so good to be back in Middle Earth and if you loved the LOTR films (like I did) you will appreciate the return of some of the characters you know (Elrond, Galadriel, Saruman and, yes, Gollum). The Orks get their share of screen time, as do many, many Goblins - both groups led by newly introduced monstrocities (ugly, so ugly).

But the film is far from perfect.

I am not a fan of musicals or people just breaking out in song in a film. For example, though I love the song "Que sera, sera" (like we all do, surely), I do not quite see the point of Doris Day belting it out in a Hitchcock film. The folks of Middle Earth like songs, as we learned from the books. I can't quite express my enormous gratitude to Peter Jackson for not using the entire Tom Bombadil song in LOTR and mostly sparing us singing in general (with one exception in the extended version of The Fellowship, if I remember correctly). This time around he was not so kind. There is singing. Not much of it, but still. However, I do have to admit that I did like the sad lament the dwarves sang in Bilbo's house.

The other bit that irked me (and this one really, really irked me) was this: the dwarves all looked like we expect them to look, the way they look in LOTR, the way Gimli looks....sort of gnomish, with large noses and extensive hair/beard combos. All but one. The leader of the dwarves, Thorin, does not. He looks like one of the humans, shrunk to dwarf size, with trimmed beard and awesome hair. Even though it may be nice to have one dwarf that is easy on the eyes, it feels like a cheat. So, the heroic one looks kinda nice but his pack looks weird. I'm not sure I like the message that sends.

Alright then, here comes my big confession (and I never thought I would say/write this): I liked the 3D effects. You may know that I am not a fan of 3D and so far have never seen a 3D film that warranted the use of it. Sure, it's nice when you see stones hurled at you while Alice falls down the rabbit hole, but mostly it's just static structures in sharper outline and we pay more on our tickets for that. But this was something else, because Middle Earth has such impressive landscapes and architecture, even in 2D, that it gains a lot from the extra dimension. I especially liked the way it made the mines look.

Lord of the Rings this is not, but it is definitely worth seeing.

8/10

Coraline

Coraline Jones is annoyed with her parents and their lack of attention. The both just hover over their computers writing about gardening rather than do some. So when one night she discovers a door into another world where her parents appear to be just what one would wish for, she has no quarrels about going back the next night.

Everything is different there - her mother cooks (imagine!), her father plays the piano and tends to a wonderous garden and her annoying neighbor boy can't talk. Fun!

Of course, something about all this is not right. For starters, everyone has buttons instead of eyes. Soon enough. Caroline realizes that they want her eyes as well and replace them with buttons.

Eventually, Caroline gets lost between her two worlds and must find her real parents again and escape. Interestingly weird.

Fun fact: when the false mother turns into her real self she looks just like Terri Hatcher, who voices the mothers.

4/10