The Thing

An alien taking over bodies of living beings (a dog to begin with, whoever is available after) to 'imitate' the host ends up in an American station in Antarctica. Scientifically, this is new and exciting and horrifying. Definitely something the scientists and/or doctor at the station should probably try to figure out. Stat. So....

Let's put the helicopter pilot in charge!

Never mind that he drinks way more than he probably should (and why is there so much alcohol available in the middle of nowhere, anyway?) and doesn't know the difference between Swedes and Norwegians (and, boy, does that joke get old quickly!). He is Kurt Russel so to him we shall listen.

What he has going for him is clearly being the inspiration for Pharrell's ever present hat! Behold!

 

If we chose to overlook the implausibility of the worker bee running the show (and we do chose that) than we can appreciate the dark atmosphere in this and, indeed, many other of John Carpenter's films. Sadly, he seems to have lost his touch as of late, painfully obvious in his latest film, The Ward.

But The Thing was made in his heyday, when the special effects could still gross you out. The dog splits open, for Christ's sake! And a head grows legs and turns into a giant spider thingy. Awesome!

If this film were made today, however, the first Norwegian on the scene might still have been shot (in that all-American Shoot First, Ask Questions Later! attitude) but the main objective of the team of scientists (and the trigger-happy, rough guy pilot, obviously) would be to isolate the dog or anyone suspected of being an imitation to see if this cannot be used in warfare somehow.

So a lot could have been handled better if, I dunno, the guy that figured out that one or more of the team may have been infected/imitated said something to his colleagues about it. They might have had some valuable input. As it happens, when something needs to be told they tell it to the pilot first. Why? Because he is Kurt Russell.

And a good thing too, because he does have a theory on how to test who of their group is/are affected. He knows science and medicine now! He has theories! If this were indeed made today, he probably would have been a scientist because at some point it became okay for them to be tough and sexy and bad-ass. The are also allowed to be women now! Imagine the possiblities.

I don't mean to sound like I didn't like The Thing. It did what it set out to do, which is entertain and gross out.

A friend pointed out this story to me, which tells the story from the thing's perspective.

8/10

Trog

Where to begin with this ridiculous mess?

A trio of hobby mountaineers stumbles upon the entry to a cave that apparently no man has ever been in. Weirdly enough, though, the entrance is huge and barely hidden by a few small bushes and trees. Must not be a very popular spot. In the cave lives the creature Trog, half ape, half man - for so says the all-knowing Dr. Brockton (played by Joan Crawford, although why she would deem it necessary to appear in this POS is beyond me), no first name available.

Anyway, one of the hobby cave dwellers gets killed by the creature, one suffers from shock induced delirium and is never considered after a short visit in his hospital room, the third sides with Dr. Brockton in wanting to study the Trog.

Of course, there are those who simply want to do away with the creature - represented by Mr. Murdoch, the most vocal opponent of the idea of studying the 'missing link'. At this point, let me include a piece of dialogue of the film, said by Mr. Murdoch, "Go ahead, Missing Link. If that's what you are, you should be missing!"

There are repeated hearings on the matter and Brockton gets a quasi go ahead as she proudly announces that Trog, after a procedure, can now speak simple words. During the procedure the scientists are able to, uhm, read? Trogs mind. We are treated to his memory footage of dinosaurs fighting to the death. The scenes are shown from sometimes, I dunno, five different angles, so Trog must have been working with steady cams to form his memories.

The situation comes to blows after Murdoch breaks into the laboratory, where Trog is apparently under surveillance "day and night". But really, has it ever been so easy to break into any facility ever? And when Murdoch takes the room Trog is kept in apart as noisily as possible (see, his bright idea is it to have people think that Trog did this and OMG! what a savage beast he is), nobody can hear anything? After he does the deed and wants to flee the premises, however, Murdoch is attacked and killed by the now free Trog. When the scientists (awakened by the car horn that the dead man falls onto) find Trog in the garden standing over the body, the beast escapes by....somersaulting over a low gate.

(I'm not making this up.)

Now everybody is after him and he gets cornered and killed back in his original cave. Dr. Brockton walks off sadly.

2/10

It!

When a warehouse holding artifacts owned by an antique museum burns down, the only piece left standing is a rather crude looking statue. The curator, Mr. Grove, and his assistant, Arhur Pimm, come to the scene to look at the damage. Grove decides that the statue is to be displayed in the museum and as Pimm walks off, Grove puts an umbrella he bought along into the statues arms to have a closer look at etchings on the statues side. Then Pimm hears a scream, rushes back and finds Grove dead on the ground, his umbrella beside him but the arms of the statue have apparently moved.

In the museum, the statue is back to its original form but after an electrician makes fun of it and swipes a match on it, he too dies as the thing lands on top of him. Pimm starts to slowly realize that something about the statue is not quite right. But then, neither is Pimm himself. He lives with the embalmed body of his dead mother propped up in a chair, tells her about his day, makes her tea and brings home jewelry from the museum for her to wear.

An expert from New York is flown in to evaluate the piece and possibly acquire it for a museum there. Yes, of course the expert was from the States and handsome to boot. Back in the 1950's and 1960's them and scientists, too, were of the dashing, daring sort. They only apparently became nerds in the 1980's (long before it was cool).

Meanwhile, Pimm does his own digging into the origin and the writing on the statue. The statue is an actual golem. Pimm bullies an aging rabbi into giving him the information and scripture he needs to command the statue, at this point only half believing in its usefulness himself.

Back at the museum, he follows all steps that would give him commanding power over the golem. And, alsas!, it works! He has the golem kill the new curator (a job Pimm expected to be rightfully his) and then has him/it tear down a bridge to impress wide-eyes, blonde Ellen, Mr. Grove's daughter. She, of course, it already smitten by the American expert. That guy is the first besides Pimm to realize what they are dealing with and - what's more important - that Pimm has taken command of the statue.

When Pimm, who is at this point already losing control over the golem and tried to get rid of it by burning it or telling it to walk into the sea - to no avail -, is taken into custody, the statue runs rampant (walking through walls, breaking open doors) and frees him. Then Pimm takes the golem, his mother and the still wide-eyed, blonde Ellen (slightly terrified possibly, but who's to say whether the eyes got any wider than before) to a cloister that is to be acquired by the museum. There, the arrival of the golem and dead mother terrify the lone inhabitant, an elderly, matronly librarian. When the two women conspire to escape by setting fire to the roof, Pimm burns the poor old woman.

Outside, the British army has taken up shop to destroy the golem with ever larger weapons. As nothing works, it is decided to shoot off a 'small nuclear warhead' at the cloister, never mind the collateral damage. Pimm finally lets the whining Ellen go and is the only one besides the golem inside the cloister when the device destroys it. Out of the ruble rises the golem to walk off into the ocean.

Flawed and already outdated when it was made.

5/10

The Descent: Part 2

Sarah, the lone survivor of part 1, is forced to join a group of three rescue climbers and two police officers to recover her three missing friends. Sarah has forgotten pretty much everything of the last two days she spent in the exhaustive cave system beneath the Appalachian mountains and the general idea is that maybe the familiar surroundings trigger her memory.

All psychologically sound, I'm sure.

Soon enough, the first body is recovered and as the group ventures deeper into the caves, they soon end up splitting up and one not-so-well-thought-out gunshot sends stones falling and cutting them off and spreading them out even more.

The creatures in the systems - ugly, deaf things - are still on the hunt for food throughout the caves and the group is fair game. Predictably, they all fall victim one by one until they encounter June, previously presumed dead but very much alive. The last survivors are June, Sarah and the local police woman. The can see the light coming from an exit not so far ahead but full off those hideous creatures. June dies first (finally) and Sarah yells to attract the creatures to give the policewoman a head start.

She does make it out into the woods but meets a very frustrating end, nonetheless, hit in the face by a shovel (courtesy of a helpful local from early on in the film who looked suspicious right away) and dragged back to the cave opening.

5/10

The Incredible Shrinking Man

I believe I have mentioned my adoration for sci-fi films from the 1950's-1970's before. They are usually wonderous, wonderous movies. Many detail horrific events that befall a person or a group of persons (often involving aliens). Others show stories set in the future (with decidedly ridiculous lookin machines and contraptioins and also occasionally involving aliens).

The Incredible Shrinking Man belongs to the first group. It tells of the plight of one Scott Carey who - after being exposed to a strange weather anomaly (radiation! of course it's radiation!) - starts shrinking. At first, he is incredulous, only half believing that he is really getting smaller. But eventually the development cannot be ignored any longer. His clothers start sagging, his wedding ring slips off and his wife does no longer have to stand on tip-toes to kiss him.

A doctor is consulted who cannot really tell him much more but that he is in good health and initially dismisses his claim of shrinking, because people do not simply get smaller. Eventually, of course, the outside world does pick up on Scott's obvious change in statue and he becomes a curiosity and medical sensation. A glimmer of hope presents itself when his condition appears to stablize due to medicatiion and although he cannot grow again he at least sports a size now that he can be regarded as a dwarf and continue in a somewhat normal life.

But the medication wears off and he continues to become smaller at a a steady pace again. He also becomes more agitated and takes his anger and frustration out on his equally frustrated wife. He moves into a doll house and one day - while his wife is running errands - he is left alone with the family cat that promptly attacks him. Fleeing from the (to him) oversized creature he ends up in the basement. There, he not only has to navigate the difficult environment but also encounters his next nemesis - a spider. They have a number of battles that would be exhilarating to watch were it not for the quality of the special effects - or rather, lack thereof. When placed next to each other (in obviously overlapping frames) one becomes transparent and, consequently, less threatening.

Scott prevails over the beast and is by now small enough to walk through the wires on the basement window. Through his trials he has finally found a sort of peace, accepting his situation and walking out into the world with a new bravery and awareness of his own worth.

Despite its obvious flaws, quite entertaining.

8/10

Feast

This was fun!

A group of people are stranded in a bar when they are attacked by monsters. There is no explanation where those creatures came from and how they ended up in the middle of nowhere. The collection of bar maids, travelers and local weirdos have to work together to survive (not many do).

At first, we are introduced to the characters in the film through humorous inserts. Nobody has a name, they are referred to as "Hero" or "Bozo" or "Grandma" etc. and the entire spectrum of humanity is pretty much covered. There is blood and puke and a popped-out eye.

There is also Henry Rollins in pink ladies' sweats (the monsters will eventually use him as a battering ram to break their way into the bar).

I hear there is a part II. (Yes!)

7/10

One Million Years B.C.

This film takes us, well, One Million Years B.C. Do not look for historical accuracy, however. Here men coexists with dinosaurs (maybe this is where Sarah Palin got the idea?) and is endangered by any number of oversized creatures.

The population is divided into the Rock tribe (dark haired, rough edged) and the Shell tribe (blond and Eloi-esque), both groups unaware of the other's existence until one day Tumak fall out of the Rock tribe nest after a fight with his brother. He spends the next 15 minutes stumbling through scenery, narrowly escaping some of the creatures. He barely makes it to the sea, dehydrated and collapses. It is there that he encounters the Shell tribe. They take him in and almost immediately, he clashes with his Shell equivalent.

Eventually he runs off with Luana, the bikini clad beauty that initially rallied up her fellow fisherwomen to save him. They return to the Rock tribe, where animosity reigns because Tumak's brother tried to kill his father (and chief) while out hunting.

Luana has been picked up and flown off by one of the evil creatures and is presumed dead. When father and son go head to head in battle, the group supporting the ousted father are joined by the Shell tribe, brought by Luana,who has returned to them injured and weak.

They prevail, but then a volcano erupts and the survivors (including Tumark and Luana, of course) are molded now into one tribe, destined to brave the new world together.

Hilariously ridiculous.

4/10

Matango (Attack of the Mushroom People)

A professor tells his story in the psychiatric ward in a hospital in Tokyo.

He was on a sailing trip when the boat got into a storm which left it ruined. After drifting in the open sea for a few days, the group of travelers strands on a small island. When they venture inside in search of food and water they first discover a pond that appears to be man made and is surrounded by a field of mushrooms.

Later, they discover a shipwreck covered in fungus, but where they also find some food. The longer they remain and with food running low, they start to get more agitated until one of them starts eating the mushrooms.

One day, the group starts getting randomly attacked by a weird (mushroom like) creature and - also under the influence of the mushrooms - they start turning on each other. They die/go crazy/get killed one after the other until only the professor is left and flees onto the drifting yacht.

While waiting for rescue or death, he questions his leaving one of the women, Akiko, behind, thinking he might have been happier with his love, infected by the mushrooms or not. He is discovered a few days later, questioning humanity and their not being so different from the mushroom people.

3/10

Beasts of the Southern Wild

This is the story of Hushpuppy, who lives with her ailing, stubborn father in the Bathtub, a little slab of land in constant threat of disappearing through the frequent storms that flood it. A group of locals refuses to leave.

Hushpuppy gets some rough treatment from her father, because he wants her to grow up strong and survive in the world after he's gone, which is likely to happen sooner rather than later, as he suffers from a heart condition.

When the locals are forcefully evacuated after blowing a hole in a nearby levee that threatens their existence they break out of the medical camp again and return to the Bathtub. Tough group.

Hushpuppy is on a constant search for her missing (deceased?) mother while a horde of mythical aurochs roam the land and eventually face off with the little girl. But since Hushpuppy is 'the man', what chance can they possibly have?

The 9-year-old Oscar nominated Quvenzhané Wallis (and no, I have no idea how to pronounce that, either) is simply wonderful, carrying the entire film on her tiny (and then 5-year-old) shoulders.

9/10

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

You know that Gollum figure that Dr. Sheldon Cooper has on his desk at home in The Big Bang Theory? I have that, too. I love Gollum. Unconditionally. Now imagine how happy it made me that he shared a wonderful scene with Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. Yes, very happy.

Actually, the whole film made me happy because it was far more entertaining (and funny too!) than I expected. See, I had my doubts about turning a book of under 400 pages into a trilogy. The advantage (if you want to call it that) of the concept, though, is that you can stay really close to the source material. J.R.R. Tolkien also left a treasure of stories about the history of Middle Earth that you could always use to butter up the films. After all, it is a tale that Bilbo writes down for Frodo and we all know that Bilbo is fond of telling tales.

The actual film throws you right back into the LOTR universe, even starting off like The Fellowship of the Ring, with Bilbo preparing for his 111th birthday, before the tale of the dwarves and Bilbo defeating Smaug the dragon even begins.

It felt so good to be back in Middle Earth and if you loved the LOTR films (like I did) you will appreciate the return of some of the characters you know (Elrond, Galadriel, Saruman and, yes, Gollum). The Orks get their share of screen time, as do many, many Goblins - both groups led by newly introduced monstrocities (ugly, so ugly).

But the film is far from perfect.

I am not a fan of musicals or people just breaking out in song in a film. For example, though I love the song "Que sera, sera" (like we all do, surely), I do not quite see the point of Doris Day belting it out in a Hitchcock film. The folks of Middle Earth like songs, as we learned from the books. I can't quite express my enormous gratitude to Peter Jackson for not using the entire Tom Bombadil song in LOTR and mostly sparing us singing in general (with one exception in the extended version of The Fellowship, if I remember correctly). This time around he was not so kind. There is singing. Not much of it, but still. However, I do have to admit that I did like the sad lament the dwarves sang in Bilbo's house.

The other bit that irked me (and this one really, really irked me) was this: the dwarves all looked like we expect them to look, the way they look in LOTR, the way Gimli looks....sort of gnomish, with large noses and extensive hair/beard combos. All but one. The leader of the dwarves, Thorin, does not. He looks like one of the humans, shrunk to dwarf size, with trimmed beard and awesome hair. Even though it may be nice to have one dwarf that is easy on the eyes, it feels like a cheat. So, the heroic one looks kinda nice but his pack looks weird. I'm not sure I like the message that sends.

Alright then, here comes my big confession (and I never thought I would say/write this): I liked the 3D effects. You may know that I am not a fan of 3D and so far have never seen a 3D film that warranted the use of it. Sure, it's nice when you see stones hurled at you while Alice falls down the rabbit hole, but mostly it's just static structures in sharper outline and we pay more on our tickets for that. But this was something else, because Middle Earth has such impressive landscapes and architecture, even in 2D, that it gains a lot from the extra dimension. I especially liked the way it made the mines look.

Lord of the Rings this is not, but it is definitely worth seeing.

8/10

The Midnight Meat Train

Photographer Leon (Bradley Cooper) is out one night to take more significant photos, because gallery owner Susan Huff (Brooke Shields) didn't like his initial batch. He encounters a threatening situation and takes pictures of a street gang, rather than helping the woman they are about to assault. But he gets some awesome pics out of it and she gets away because he does eventually alert the bad guys of the surveilance cameras. The woman is a successful model (obivously) and is never heard from again.

The police is not interested in Leon's photos (luckily, Susan Hoff is) or the fact that he saw her right before she disappeared. The model becomes one of many victims by a big ass butcher (Vinnie Jones). Leon gets obsessed with disappearing stories and starts following the butcher. We all know how that is bound to end.

Some random thoughts:

Leon lives with his girlfriend in a rather stylish, if smallish appartment. He appears to not really make any money and she is a waitress, no idea how they get by.

It is based on a Clive Barker short story (and those are mostly awesome), so it could only have ended with some creatures in the subway tunnels.

Vinnie Jones is awesome!

Bradley Cooper is not.

3/10

The Cabin in the Woods

I love horror films. I very much like Richard Jenkins. I adore Bradley Whitford. I like the idea of a company pulling the strings behind the scenes to release different nightmarish scenarios on a group of unsuspecting young people. I love the poster.

The problem? I don't like this film.

Despite all the above mentioned ingredients it doesn't quite come together for me. The actual cabin-in-the-woods part of it is all very bland and I never cared for any of the people there. Not a one. I didn't care whether they lived or died and nothing that befell them was particularly scary to me.

The background part (the part with Jenkins and Whitford) was more interesting. The out-of-placeness of it was different and it is in the company environment that the film actually showed some humor. The deaths of pretty much everyone involved there was harder to take than that of any of the pretty young people.

Oh Josh Lyman Hadley! At least you went with a cocky remark on your lips. Good for you! *wipes-away-tear*

The fun part? All monsters imaginable getting unleashed and going into mayhem mode. Blood and gore and a murderous unicorn. But then there was the stupid, unimaginative, uninteresting, useless ending/explanation. The fucking Ancient Ones'?

Seriously?

3/10