Oculus

Siblings Kaylie and Tim have been through some traumatic stuff together. When they were children, their father shot their mother and little Tim shot his dad before he could choke Kaylie to death. The very 'sick' mother had previously coked Kaylie nearly to death but - in a moment of clarity - thought better of it.

Now Tim is out of juvie (I think) and Kaylie has (re-)acquired an antique mirror that used to be in daddy's study. The mirror, of course, being the source of all evil. They team up (Kaylie's idea, Tim is not so sure) to get video prove of the evil mirror and its supernatural powers and - possibly - destroy it for good. Why they would think that they would be able to destroy it is not quite clear, since they have previously attempted to smash it with golf clubs - to no avail.

Anyway, the Tim character (grown-up Tim) walks through the entire film like a deer in headlights. The grown-up Kaylie version is very resolute and seemingly void of all emotion. That is until she kills her fiance. Or maybe not. He later walks around looking distinctly undead and may not have been there in the first place. See, the mirror has many tricks up its sleeve.

At some point the childhood story and the grown-up story merge and the little Kaylie and Tim run into big Kaylie and Tim repeatedly. It's a memory thing. I think. Who knows? It's confusing, anyway.

In the end, the contraption that is supposed to smash the mirror (yeah, right) is set in motion by Tim, who doesn't check where his sister is at this point. He has been experiencing a number of incidences that would have convinced him that things may not be what they seem and something that he is looking at may not be there after all (and vice versa). So, of course, when the would-be mirror smashing anchor (or whatever) swings down, it ends up killing Kaylie. Lapse of judgement, Tim, wasn't it?

More confusing than actually scary. You get the gist, but I'm not sure it is actually worth it.

4/10

Natural Selection

A devout Christian woman, Linda, lives in a sexless marriage with her husband Abe. It is his believe that sex is only for reproductive purposes and Linda is barren because of an abortion she had at 16. The father of that child would have been Abe.

While Linda practices abstinence (not necessarily voluntarily), her husband secretly goes off to donate sperm on a regular basis - and has been doing so for the entirety of their marriage. The reason she finds out is when Abe has a heart attack? aneurysm? while 'donating'. In a moment of consciousness, he mumbles something to Linda that she interprets as his wish to see his illegitimate son Raymond.

Linda takes off to Florida to find him and believes that she does. In fact, she picks up a recently escaped small time crook, who is laying low at Raymond's house and when the cops come to call he decides to go with Linda to meet his 'biological father'. He does, of course, try to take off at the first opportunity. However, this fake Raymond is somewhat stupid and passes out in some road house bathroom while someone else takes off with Linda's car.

Linda, all forgiveness, decides to continue on their journey. The start talking and telling each other intimate secrets and, yes, fall for each other. This leads to sex, during which the local pastor bursts in, trying to save Linda from what he perceives is an assault. And Raymond is off again.

In the meantime, Abe has somewhat recovered and the couple returns to their uneventful life until it turns out that Linda is not so barren after all. This leads to more complications.

Despite the somewhat disturbing looking poster, this has its sweet moments. I couldn't help myself but root for poor Linda.

6/10

Manhunter

If Red Dragon had been made in the 1980's it would be this film.

Oh, wait.

It has. It is.

You know what? This film is not bad at all. Sure, it isn't as stylish as the later incarnation of the book Red Dragon, or stylish in a distinct 1980's way (read: dated), but the actors are as stellar as the ones who play the same roles in 2002. Although some of them may have faded into obscurity.

Will Graham is here played by William Petersen (yes, he of CSI fame, basically inventing his later role here), the tooth fairy/red dragon is played Tom Noonan (you have seen him before, I am certain, but you may not remember the name), Joan Allen plays the blind woman and the late Dennis Farina is Jack Crawford. And, oh yes, there is Hannibal Lecter (on IMDB it is spelled Lecktor), a role forever associated with the brilliant Anthony Hopkins. How could poor Brian Cox (also a brilliant actor) ever stand a chance of being remembered for it.

The music is as 1980's as the clothes are. Everything that you have seen later is here, as well, Will Graham digging into the criminal mind, the journalist rolling downhill while on fire, the weird teeth bit.

The two films even have the same score on IMDB. I get that films fade into memory of those that have concsiously lived through the times they were made in and Red Dragon serves a valid purpose for later generations. Myself, I have lived through both incarnations (yes, I am that old) and am ok with both versions.

7/10

Labyrinth

What happens when you let David Bowie run loose in Jim Henson's Muppet land?

Well, magic, of course.

Teenager Sarah, who still lives in a child's dreamworld is upset with her father and stepmother for having her once again babysit her annoying little brother. He just won't stop crying and she just wishes the goblins would come and take him away.

And so they do.

Little Toby is taken to the castle of the goblin king Jareth and Sarah, now panicky about what she has done, has 13 hours to make her way to the castle and save the boy. Her quest leads her through a labyrinth (hence, the title) and many an adventure, helped and sometimes hindered by the strange creatures she encounters.

The story is set somewhere between The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland, but with the noticeable Jim Henson touch - with many awesome Muppets. And yes, awesome music.

I am not sure what they were on when they thought of this script but the final product is quite awesome.

7/10

Klute

This is the second film I have watched with Jane Fonda in one week...this time around with a really bad hairdo but in a much better film.

The Klute in the title is John Klute, acting as private detective when a friend disappears, leaving behind one very strange letter of abuse addressed to a prostitute in New York City, and the police are ready to give up on the case. That would be six months after the disappearance.

John goes off to New York to investigate and talk with the prostitute in question, one Bree Daniel. Now, Bree has regular meetings with a psychiatrist, musing about how she wants to quit 'tricks' and concentrate on her work as a model and actress (wait, is this officially called 'actor' now, too?). Or maybe she doesn't want to quit. She seems unsure and her efforts to turn her life around are half-hearted at best.

Initially reluctant to help John in any way, she does eventually get involved, tagging along as he interviews people working within her trade, trying to find other prostitutes said to have met with a weird guy that used to beat them up. It is generally believed that this is the missing friend, named Tom. Then they come upon one girl that does not identify Tom from a photo John Klute shows her and says that it was an older looking man, instead.

It is at this point that I knew who the real culprit was and the conclusion that Tom is probably dead is pretty obvious, as well. The real criminal is the person actually financing John Klute to investigate Tom's disappearance. Now that John is getting close, though, he starts to try and clean up all lose ends.

In the end, John saves Bree and they leave her apartment together, although to a voice over of her again sounding unsure about what is going to happen.

7/10

Jurassic Park

On paper, this should not be my kind of film. It falls into the adventure category, it was made for the masses, it features dinosaurs and it is from the 1990's (read: dated, but not in a cool 1970's way). Yes, it took me until today to watch it...because I wasn't really interested before. But this is one of those films that everybody has to see at some point, I guess.

And...

It is awesome!

This seriously kept me on the edge of my seat and had me watch with open mouth, especially during the very first dinosaur attack, when the car with the kids inside gets pushed around.

Now, as this is a Steven Spielberg film, it is of course obvious that all the characters we care about will make it out alive. Even that knowledge that not let me become ambivalent about what I was watching. It is just exciting the entire time. I guess that is all one can ask from an adventure blockbuster.

With a big name director come some big name actors. Sam Neill (who was huge at the time), Jeff Goldblum (always a good choice), Laura Dern, the late Richard Attenborough and a chain smoking Samuel L. Jackson.

Why, oh why did I wait so long to watch this?

9/10

Inside Llewyn Davis

I love most of this film.

The one thing that annoys me, though, is the Carry Mulligan character, Jean. Whenever she is on screen she is very angry. And I am not sure what the point of this angry character is and why she does not seem to have any redeeming features other than being pretty (apparently everyone wants to fuck her, we are told frequently).

Other than that, things are pretty near perfect. Oscar Isaac is wonderful. He is also a great singer. I love folk music, especially the kind from the 1960's, so the music in the film is right down my alley. And the nod to Bob Dylan in the end is nice.

The story is that of the title character sort of drifting through life, here represented by showing 'a week in the life of'. He hops from couch to cough and does in fact not have a set address. Every now and again he will get a paying job, however ridiculous ('Please Mr. Kennedy'). On occasion he will take chances, like hitching a ride to Chicago which in the end comes to nothing.

There is a host of strange characters along the way, as are in most Coen Brothers films. My favorite is probably Roland Turner, played by John Goodman, who sits in the backseat during the drive to Chicago and shares life lessons Llewyn is not really interested in hearing.

Also, a cat.

And wonderful singing, especially by Oscar Isaac.

8/10

Hitchcock

Who better to portray Alfred Hitchcock than the wonderful Anthony Hopkins?

The title of the movie may not reflect it, but this is not a biography. The story is only that of getting the film Psycho, arguably the best Hitchcock film, made.

I don't know how much of it is actually true but I can believe that Hitchcock in fact was obsessive enough to have his people by every copy of the book Psycho that they could get their hands on, so that nobody would know the ending. Also, I am sure that his struggle to sell the story to the studio bosses and get certain scenes through the censors are well documented. But I am also pretty sure, that the director did not actually imagine hanging out with Ed Gein.

Aside from some doubts about the accuracy, the film is as entertaining as a film about the making of a film can be. The cast is superb, including besides Hopkins the wonderful Helen Mirren, Toni Collette, Danny Huston, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Kurtwood Smith, James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins (he is great) and The Karate Kid himself, Ralph Macchio.

Well worth watching.

7/10

Gangster No. 1

Normally, I would love this film. If it weren't for that one tiny detail that I simply don't understand. Malcolm McDowell is 1,74 m. Paul Bettany is 1,92 m. The two look nothing alike. They play the same person at different times in their lives.

Why?

Everybody else in this film play themselves in a younger and older version.

The rest is all wonderfully messed up, like gangster films are supposed to be. Paul Bettany plays this ruthless, jealous gangster that takes his chance to run the operation when it comes about. The boss gets shot and blamed for his big opponent's death, or rather slaughter, which was committed by the Bettany character (in the hands down best scene of the film).

Not many play mad as well as Paul Bettany does.

Despite the one big irritation, this is well worth watching. The Brits do make great gangster films.

Bonus: Andrew Lincoln with the dumbest hairdo imaginable.

7/10

Far North

We do not know for sure, but there is a pretty good chance that Sean Bean dies from exposure. After all, he runs off naked into the bitter cold in the end.

Two nomad women live together in the Arctic somewhere, away from their people. One of them, Saiva, was said to bring misery to everyone close to her. That is why her mother went to live in the wild to bring up her daughter years ago. Not sure where the other woman, Anja, came from but whatever.

They live together and survive together and have been doing so for some time, apparently, when one day Saiva finds a stranger, Loki, in the ice and brings him back to their tent before he freezes to death. Two women and one Sean Bean in the same tent can only spell trouble. Of course, both of them develop a crush on him. Initially, it is not clear who he will end up with. It turns out to be Anja.

The three go through an indeterminate time together until one day Anja announces to Saiva that she will be living with Loki once the sea freezes over.

The next part gave me a very distinct WTF? feeling.

Saiva chokes Anja to death with Anja's own braid before scalping her and skinning her face to wear as a mask and wig.

Ew!

Then Loki comes back from testing the ice for the next day's crossing and he gets all hot and steamy with the woman he believes to be Anja. Then the skin on the face starts moving in odd ways and he realizes that Saiva is wearing an Anja mask. Literally.

It is then that he flees the scene. Naked. (Yummy but also Ew!)

There is something beautiful about the frozen landscape and bleakness. Also, the film is compelling. And gross. Yes, also gross.

7/10

Europa Report

One of the better sci-fi films I have seen in recent years.

Never mind that this is a 'found footage' film, which are usually pretty blah (no explanation needed, because the footage is so sketchy. Well, *shrug*, we tried.). Here, the images are clear most of the time because they are supposedly transmitted with high tech equipment and filmed with steady cams from within a spaceship.

An international group of astronauts if on a mission to collect probes from the fourth largest moon orbiting Jupiter, Europa. There is supposedly water under the icy surface and in space travel terminology water = life.

After having gone the furthest for any human ever, the crew eventually loses contact with mission control. While the head of the mission is shown in an interview detailing when they lost contact and what the findings and failings of the mission were, one crew member (Rosa) also talks straight to the camera in an interview setup, This initially made me think that maybe the crew - at least in part - survived. It is only later that it becomes clear that is is part of the footage that was sent back home after communication had been re-established. But it was already too late for them at that point.

The deaths of the crew members are rarely extremely violent, and if they are, there are no clear images of it. Some deaths are heartbreaking - in particular the first one, when James cannot return to the ship because he got hazardous matter onto his space suit and even as it dawns on him what this will mean, he still pushes Andrei, whose glove has ripped and who is losing oxygen quickly. back into the safety of the inside of the ship.

Also, and thankfully, there are no big arguments as so often appear in films involving a group of people in a dangerous situation and confined space.

Some of the cast I don't know and some are rather well-known - Embeth Davidtz is the head of the mission, Michael Nyqvist (of the Swedish Millennium Trilogy) is Andrei, Sharlto Copley is in this as the unfortunate James and Daniel is portrayed by Christian Camargo (the ice truck killer from the first season of Dexter).

Not sure why this film stayed well under the radar last year. It deserved a wider audience.

8/10

Death Wish

After his wife and daughter get attacked in his New York apartment, which leaves his wife dead and his daughter in a catatonic state, Paul Kersey takes it upon himself to rid the city of muggers. In general. He does not try to find the trio of bad guys that actually mugged, hurt and killed his own family. In fact, we never find out whatever happens to them, nor do they ever by accident run into him during their daily muggings and get offed as a consequence. For all we know, they get away with it.

Kersey becomes a fast hero in the crime infested city and gets named the vigilante. The police are slowly edging in on him, but not only do people that get to see his face not want to identify him (on accounts of him saving them), the police commissioner himself is not to keen on catching him. Since he went on his crime fighting spree, muggings have gone way down. The main investigator, who by this time has figured out that Kersey is the man he is looking for, is instructed to 'scare him off'. He isn't supposed to actually catch him but simply make him stop doing what he is doing.

When his reckless going after bad guys, that appear to only ever arm themselves with knife and therefore stand no chance against the vigilante's gun, catches up with him on a much more personal level - he chances upon the one bad guy that actually has a gun - and leaves him in the hospital, injured, the investigating officer visits him and suggest he get out of New York. Permanently.

Kersey heads this advice and moves to....Chicago! Sure, no crimes happening there at all.

Charles Bronson is as wooden as can be, with barely a move of a face muscle. But this is what one expects from the guy, I guess. Along the film, some familiar faces pop up in very, very small roles - Jeff Goldblum (in his first ever feature film as Freak #1, one of the original assailants), Olympia Dukakis (an unnamed cop working the precinct responsible for the case), and Christopher Guest (as a young police officer, who comes upon the scene of the last shooting that leaves Kersey injured).

4/10

Celeste & Jesse Forever

This film takes about half an hour to get going. The beginning is sort of blah, like an overly long introduction (which it is, I guess).

Celeste and Jesse are separated and planning on divorcing. At the same time they are still best friends and behave as such. This freaks their other two best friends out. Jesse really still loves Celeste (as a wife and as a friend) but Celeste loves Jesse as a friend. And then at some points she realizes that she loves him as a husband, too. Yeah, it's complicated.

When she is about to tell him, he jumps in and announces that he is having a baby with another woman. This makes everything even more complicated. From then on, the film is more about Celeste and her attempt to either move on or get Jesse back. I don't know because she doesn't know.

Unfortunately, it is not quite as cute as the premise would make you believe. Sometimes it tries to be really hipster and then just straight forward comedy and then a little heartach-y. If feels all just very disjointed.

It's fine, I guess, but you're not really missing anything much if you don't watch it.

4/10

Barbarella

Barbarella is called upon by the President of the Republic of Earth to find the runaway mad scientist Duran-Duran and bring him back to earth before he destroys, well, everything with his newly created weapon (a ray of some sort, I forget).

But first, she must undress in zero gravity, very slowly, to music.

Throughout the remainder of the film, she will change from one skimpy outfit to the next and sleep with every man that helps her in any way (more or less). Also, she is the ditziest of blondes.

Then the peace-loving earthling is given weapons for her mission. This does not make her particularly happy, but she takes off in her spaceship anyway. The inside of the spaceship appears to be covered in muppet skin (Fozzy Bear) or deep shag carpeting.

Barbarella crash lands on her target planet, where she is taken by a group of children, tied up in a cave and attacked by creepy dolls. She is, however, saved in the nick of time by a catcher who - you guessed it - catches children. As a thanks he suggests sex, but not the new, clean earth kind, but the savage old-fashioned way. This is so old, it is new to Barbarella, but she concedes. She loves it.

Next she crashes into the labyrinth, the exile in which all the good creatures live. One of them is a blind angel. With her spaceship all trashed, she looks to him for help. Alas, he has lost the desire to fly. The solution for this particular problem is sex, of course. ('An angel doesn't make love. An angel is love.')

Revived by this encounter he flies Barbarella to her final destination. Basically a creepy, bad town, run by the great tyrant, who turns out to be a woman. Among the things that happen next are: the angel gets crucified, which elicits the wonderful line, "De-crucify him or I will melt your face!", Barbarella joins the revolution (led by a rather hapless idiot), she gets 'tortured' by the concierge by a sort of organ that will kill her with physical pleasure. Also, the concierge is Duran-Duran and he wants to get rid of the great tyrant to take over this planet and then maybe the earth and then, who knows?, the entire universe.

Big shoot-out.

Barbarella and the great tyrant are flown to safety by the blind angel, who has been previously tortured by the tyrant, but 'An angel has no memory'.

The End

No, seriously.

2/10

Saw VI

This is like a family reunion! Amanda is back! Jigsaw is back! Jigsaw's (ex-)wife is in on everything! The first two are only back in flashbacks, but Jill is there to the final act, where Mark Hoffman gets his own little test.

The main attraction is an insurance honcho named William who has to work his way through a number of tests, usually involving the sacrifice of lives of people working for him. If he makes it in time, he will be reunited with his family. On the other end of his route are two cages, one holding a mother and son, the other holding an annoying journalist woman that got a little too close to a truth of some kind.

Now, we assume that the mother and son are the family in question. In reality, they are family to a deceased man, who got denied coverage of his potentially life saving treatment by William. Ultimately, these two will decide whether William lives or dies. The journalist is his sister.

Unfortunately, Mark Hoffman will probably live to see another day as a total douche bag, as his name appears in the cast list of Saw 3D and a flashback with him in it is probably too much to hope for.

Now I will have to lay the story to rest until October 10, when I have already arranged to watch the final chapter with my horror film aficionado friend.

5/10

Saw V

This may be the least exciting part in the Saw series.

Don't get me wrong, there is blood and guts a-plenty, but there is also a lot of talking. And I mean a lot. Time line wise, this is even more confusing than parts III and IV, which are happen parallel each other. This is before and alongside those two. I think.

Anyway, this is cop against cop. The not-so-nice-guy (Agent Strahm) and the I-am-so-mean-I-don't-ever-smile-(and-if-I-would-it-would-probably-be-creepy)-guy (Mark Hoffman) are kind of hunting each other. Just to be clear, Hoffman is the bad guy in this scenario. This was established at the end of part IV. I think.

While this happens, a group of people have to go through their own private hell. They only stop to figure out their connection and what Jigsaw meant to go against their instinct when it is too late for most of them. Whether or not the last one standing actually survives is not quite clear. (Also irrelevant.) An ambulance gets called on her behalf but that is the last we get on that situation. This person is played by Julie Benz.With dark hair that looks totally like a wig.

In the end, Agent Strahm is asked to trust in Jigsaw to trust him when he tells him that the only way out alive is to climb into this hear casket filled with shards of glass. Strahm, of course, hasn't learn anything from hunting the culprit(s) and - in a fight - throws his new nemesis Hoffman into said casket. Hoffman is saved, Strahm is being squashed to death.

5/10

Angustia (Anguish)

John, who lives with his overbearing mother (the incomparable Zelda Rubinstein), goes around killing people and cutting their eyes out (yes, we see that part). Apparently, his mother is the one sending him out to do so. She has some telekinetic connection with him. I think. Or maybe he is under hypnosis. In any case, nasty things are happening as a consequence.

But wait!

This is not actually the film we are watching. This is the film The Mommy, currently showing at the Rex. What we are actually watching is the people watching The Mommy.

And if that weren't meta enough (and, mind you, Anguish was made during a time when meta wasn't a thing yet), John is going to a movie theater to watch The Lost World and cut out a few eyes while he's there.

So there are shots from the back of the movie theater showing a shot of the back of a movie theater showing The Lost World. In the movie theater (the Rex. Do try to keep up.) a mad man is in attendance. He has watched The Mommy so many times, he knows the entire dialogue. Also, he is armed and shoots everyone in the lobby and the bathroom, before tying the doors to the theater shut and going back in, taking a girl hostage.

While he is doing that, John is doing the same thing. And panic breaks out in that theater at the same time as dinosaurs cause people to panic onscreen in The Lost World. And this is mirrored by people running to-and-fro in the Rex.

And of course, John will eventually end up in the film we are really watching.

Sounds confusing? It is.

4/10

100 Bloody Acres

Another film that manifests the notion that, when in the Australian outbacks, you will die in the most horrific manner. Here, it is by the hands of organic farmers, brothers Reg and Lindsay. Lindsay is the tall, older, smarter one running the show, Reg is the hapless weakling who decides to take the initiative for once. This has dire consequences for a lot of the people in this film.

Some time ago, six bodies disappeared without a trace from a traffic accident. Nearby, the organic farm produces "blood & bone fertilizer". Does anyone make the connection? Of course not.

One day, Reg is making deliveries and happens upon another bad road accident. He decides to take the unresponsive body back to the family farm for further use. On the way back he chances upon a trio of people heading for a music festival. Their car just broke down and Reg sees this as a golden opportunity to produce some extra "new bland" of fertilizer.

Does Lindsay appreciate the help when Reg gets back? No, he does not. After reprimanding him for bringing some extra problems to the farm, the two then go ahead with their production. First to go is the victim of the accident. The trio, meanwhile, is tied up and while they try to device a plan of escape, they also start fighting over a bunch of issues they have.

As with all horror comedy hostage situations, bad just goes to worse. But here, we also get a love story developing between Reg and the girl Sophie, one of the three hitchhikers and would-be victims.

There is a lot of blood and guts and a little hilarity.

4/10

Wish I Was Here

Before the film started, Zach Braff swept in, said 'hi' and told us how the film was financed (Kickstarter crowd funding, first film of its kind in this regards, apparently) and then was off again (busy, busy).

It was short, but sweet and the whole thing was free, so who am I to complain?

If you have seen Garden State, the tone of Wish I Was Here will feel familiar. Again, it is about family. Again, it is about death. The death is that of the father, who is suffering from cancer and it is obvious from very early on that he will not have long. Through this situation, Aidan - who has a slew of problems of his own - tries to keep the family together, which also means getting his brother Noah (Josh Gad - and who knew he can actually act?) to come see their father, despite their differences.

It is funny and sweet and heartbreaking. Also, cute kid actors.

7/10

Bad Words

Through a loophole in the rules, a grown man named Guy Trilby enters a spelling bee competition with the goal to win the entire thing. This, much the confusion and anger of parents and organizers alike.

He is sponsored and traveling with a journalist who tries to entice him into spilling the beans on why exactly he is doing this. She doesn't really get much out of him, tough, and instead gets a little help from an FBI agent, who owes her. Turns out, Guy is the son of the main organizer of the national event.

As he survives round after round he also befriends a little kid that is one of his fiercest opponents. The two become fast friend and are the last two standing, with either one trying to throw the competition. The little kid wins and Guy leaves the scene with a note for his father.

Kinda sweet.

6/10

After Earth

Will Smith is not afraid of anything.

Jaden Smith is afraid of everything. And he is very, very worried.

They are Cypher (the elder Smith) and Kitai (the younger Smith) Raige and their home has been Nova Prime since mankind was forced to flee what used to be their home planet because they finally killed of the environment. Or something.

There are many evil forces to fight off, apparently. The most vicious come in the form of a space monster (a poor man's H.R. Giger thing), the Ursa. To re-connect with his son, who blames himself for the death of his sister, who was herself killed by an Ursa a few years earlier. Why then there is an Ursa as cargo on the ship that takes Cypher and his offspring on the father's last mission, I do not know. If they explained it, I don't remember.

Another thing I don't know is how Diego Klattenhoff ended up in this for one (and only one) scene. The scene, of course, is very significant and depicts a show of level of respect for Cypher that he does not yet have himself for his son. As the scene happens you just know that this will be repeated with Cypher showing little Kitai the respect he will have earned by the end of all this. You just know. Also in this, in the background but with lines (!) is David Denman (Pam's original fiance on The Office).

Through a number of misguided decisions by Cypher (not as big a honcho as he is supposed to be, huh?), the ship crash lands on earth (*gasp*) and breaks into. Survivors: two (guess who!). Father is injured and sends son on a mission to find the other half of a ship and retrieve the beacon to contact the home planet that will come to collect them.

The son flips out at the drop of a hat and is either scared shit less or angrily crying and whining like a 4-year-old. Also, his liquid oxygen (or whatever) is running lower than should be and when daddy tells him to abort mission because he would, you know, suffocate under normal circumstances, he defies him and jumps off a cliff (literally). Of course, he is always going to make it, despite many an angry animal out to get him. He is a Smith after all and saving the world, the father, everything and you-name-it is in his film DNA.

The last great obstacle is the Ursa. This is why it was brought along on the ship! To make the final act of the film more exciting! Kitai prevails, leans to control (or possibly eliminate altogether) his fear and saves himself and daddy. Now repeat Klattenhoff scene.

All is well.

3/10

Joachim 'Blacky' Fuchsberger, 1927-2014

Joachim Fuchsberger, lovingly referred to as 'Blacky', has died. He was an actor from a generation when every hero was dashingly handsome and - often with Eddie Arent and the great Klaus Kinski (forever the villain) - appeared in many German productions of Edgar Wallace mysteries I greatly enjoyed watching as a child.

Colditz

All is fair in love and war. And when the two coincide, then all bets are seriously off.

Colditz is a town in Saxony, where the local castle was used as a prisoner of war camp during WWII. But this was not just any old POW camp. This was rather for the very special cases, that had previously escaped from elsewhere.

The film begins with four British soldiers escaping through a tunnel, making their way to the neutral Switzerland. One of them makes it, two get caught and end up in Colditz and the forth gets shot.

The one that made it is one Nick McBride, rather reluctant in serving his home land and generally not the most ambitious person. Nevertheless, he made it out and receives accolades for that alone. He is promoted and starts work for the secret M9, who's job it is to assist other British POW's in escaping, establishing safe houses and transport back home and such.

The two that got caught are Willis and Jack Rose. Willis ended up caught in a barbed wire fence and Jack twisted his ankle. Before McBride departed, Jack asked him to look up his sweetheart back home, Lizzie. This he does and falls in love with her. When Lizzie keeps refusing his pursuit of her, McBride fakes an official correspondence telling her that Jack died when he was shot while trying to escape Colditz. This paves the way for his own romance with Lizzie.

Jack and Willis, meanwhile, plan and try one escape plan after the other (as do many other prisoners) and almost make it every time. Some do make it out, however, and it is through the escape of two individuals that McBride's betrayal is discovered.

This kicks off a series of events.

First, Sawyer, a former inmate writes to Jack to inform him that his Lizzie believes him to be dead and that the one that stands to gain from this can only be McBride.

Jack, as a consequence uses an escape plan that was devised for Willis, breaking Willis at last. This results in the poor guy simply trying to walk out of Colditz and getting shot in the back.

When M9 gets word that Jack is on his way to a safe house, McBride gets understandably nervous. When Sawyer tells him that Jack knows about him and Lizzie, the two start a shuffle that leaves Sawyer dead (this more or less accidental).

McBride then sells out the safe house Jack is in to the Germans and everyone there is shot and killed with Jack the only one getting away.

As a last ditch effort, he tries to whisk Lizzie out of the country for the New World, but Jack arrives just in the nick of time for Lizzie to realize that she has been lied to. As the two men fight (of course they do), the M9 is hot on the heels of McBride and shot him.

All this takes over 3 hrs. total but is actually so well make and played that time flies by.

7/10

Scenic Route

Old friends Mitchell and Carter are on a road trip together. We don't know from where to where they are going, but they are in the middle of the desert (Nevada?). Mitchell is on crutches. Again, we are never really told what happened.

What we do know is that Carter stages a car breakdown because they don't talk anymore like they used to and he manufactures a situation where they have no choice but to talk. And while they're there he goes off on Mitchell for having given up on his dream on becoming a musician and marrying the "rebound-girl" after breaking up with the love of his life.

But first, they kick the shit out of each other. This happens before the credits. Mitchell has a broken nose and a bloody face and Carter does not move after one final blow. This is the intro.

Then we go back to the previously mentioned car trouble and the fight (first verbal) that follow after Carter's go at a life intervention and Mitchell finding out that his friend has simply removed a wire from the car to keep them stranded. He owns up when a passing car offers them a ride into town. Before the helpful man is allowed to drive off, Carter has to start the car to prove to Mitchell that he fixed it.

It is only after the driver left and some more fighting that the car is really broken. More yelling, blaming each other and the fight from the beginning follow. Mitchell comes to and Carter is still not moving. Mitchell mourns over the body of his friend and eventually starts digging a grave in the desert. As he pulls the body towards it, however, it tunes out that Carter is still alive. When he now realizes that he was about to be buried, he loses it and storms off.

The reunite and suffer together through the heat during the day, the cold nights and the lack of water. As a last ditch effort they stumble off in the direction where Mitchell thinks a town may be and eventually come to the remains of what used to be a small group of houses. But at least they find water.

And then suddenly a cell rings and they have reception again (hurray!) and are saved.

Or are they?

6/10

The X Files: Young at Heart

Yet again, Mulder gets hunted by someone from his past. This time it is one John Barnett. During his very first FBI case, Mulder had the possiblity to shot Barnett, who held a gun to a hostage. Going by the book, Mulder did not take the shot, which cost the hostage (actually, Barnett's original complice) and an FBI agent (father of two) their lives.

Not Barnett is back from the supposed dead - with certificate stating that he died of cardiac arrest four years previously - to take his revenge on Mulder. In the wake of the hunt - the FBI's for Barnett or whoever this may be claiming to be him, Barnett's for Mulder and his assorted friends - Mulder's fromer mentor falls victim to the culprit and Scully gets this close to being killed, as well.

As if this were not enough going on already, there is also the question of what really happened to Barnett and why is he not dead as he is said to be. Dead, cremated, ashes spread. In comes a Dr. Ridley (aka Dr. Mengele aka Dr. Frankenstein - so called by his peers), who has secretly been conducting human experiments in order to reverse aging.

Barnett is his only success story, young and healthy looking - except for the eyes, they look pretty dead. Somehow he had to grow a new arm for all this. They do explain the connection in a very civil and quite discussion, but the details escape me. Barnett's right hand - previously removed by Dr. Ridley - did grow back, but looking more amphibian than human. This has nothing to do with the story of the episode, really. It looks pretty weird, though.

In the end, Mulder does kill Barnett like he should have all those years ago.

6/10

The X Files: Lazarus

Again, the title tells you everything you need to know. No beating around the bush. A man dies and gets resurrected. In this day and age (meaning the mid-1990's) of advanced medicine, people are brought back to life all the time. What is rather unusual is that two people die at the same time and when one body is resucitated, the spirit/soul/personality of the other comes back to life. So, the first of a few body switch/shape shifting episodes The X Files have brought us over the years.

The formerly dead guy is Agent Jack Willis, a former lover of Scully (yes, former used to have a love life, as well). He has been hunting a thieving/murdering couple for a long time and gets shot along with Warren James Dupre, who now inhabits his body.

Mulder suspects something is wrong, of course. He knows that Scully and Willis share a birthday for example and Willis is right-handed. He tests this new Willis by asking him to sign Scully's birthday card (two months early) and Willis does so with his left hand.

Dupre is not really interested in pretending to be Willis. He just uses this situation as a means to an end. He want to find his wife again and when he does so, the duo decide to make a quick buck by trading Scully for 1,000,000 $. Dupre's wife, Lula, however, had actually planned to get rid of her spouse and sold him out to the FBI and that is how he got shot in the first place.

The moment she choses to reveal this to Willis/Dupre and Scully is when Scully is about to give him an insulin shot. Willis is diabetic, which Dupre doesn't know and he has drunk enourmous amounts of soda, and is now in dire need of the medicine. Lula steps on the saving bottle of insulin but makes a mistake eventually, when she believes Willis to have died and gets too close to throw the wedding ring at him. Willis snaps awake, takes her gun, and shoots her just as the FBI is taking down the door to rescue him and Scully.

The second death takes.

6/10

The X Files: Gender Bender

This is what it says on the tin - a person that can change from female form into male and vice versa. Of course, this is an alien we are talking about.

Oops. Did I just give away the ending there?

After five victims along the coast (starting up in Massachusetts and going South) are found that apparently died right after sex, Mulder and Scully start investigating around the town a case with the MO occurred. It just so happens that a group of the citizens of the small town they travel to are members of a sect called The Kindred.

Now, The Kindred have a certain touch. This is not a euphemism. They touch your hand in a certain way, you will let them bed you no questions asked. Scully gets dangerously close to one of them, who turns out to be the killers former best friend.

Other strange things happen around the group, like Mulder swears he recognizes some of the people from a photograph that is supposedly from the 1930s. Also, the members of the sect don't die, they are just prepped up for some sort of hibernation that brings them back good as new.

This case the agents do not solve. Or they do, but the culprit escapes them, because the sect "takes care of their own" and they do. They collect the wayward member and disappear into thin air.

Upwards.

This episode sees the first appearance of Nicholas Lea, but not as the role X Files fans will get to know him (and love him or hate him) in, Alex Krycek. Here he is a would be victim that gets picked up in a bar by the murderous man/woman/alien.

5/10

The X Files: Beyond the Sea

The kidnapping of two college students co-incides with a family tragedy. Scully loses her father (after having a vision of him sitting in her living room trying to tell her something without actually making a sound).

As if that alone weren't enough to keep the agents busy, a conviced serial killer, Luther Lee Boggs, awaiting his execution, offers up information on the recently kidnapped kids. How does he know? Through his 'psychic powers'. Mulder, knowing Boggs, does not believe for a minute that the guy knows anything other than what he may have learned simply by being involved in the actual crime.

He wants to be granted a permanent stay of execution, but Mulder does not play ball. Scully, however, has some rather weird encounters with Boggs, who channels her late father and speaks out warnings against certain symbols that are a little to close to actuality. Like, he would talk of a waterfall that Scully later sees (sort of, it is acually a sign for the Niagara Hotel) and warn Mulder to stay away from the cross (he doesn't, which doesn't end well for him).

So, for once, Mulder is the sceptic and Scully is the believer.

It is interesting to see their roles reversed. Mulder can't believe that after having witnessed so much unexplained phenomena, she choses to believe in psychic powers where he believes that there are none. Scully is uncomfortable with going against Mulder, with having to deal with supernatural signs, her father's passing.

Emotionally, she is a wreck, but once again she is left holding the reigns, because Mulder was shot and is in the hospital for the better part of the episode.

My favorite bits are the two times Boggs is shown going to the gas chamber, a walk during which he sees every person he killed standing in the corridor in a pretty b/w shot.

Hey, isn't that...?
Scully's father is played by Don S. Davis, whom I have only ever seen in US military uniform. He played Major Briggs, father of Bobby Briggs, in Twin Peaks. Looking through his list of credits, it looks like he was very comfortable in that uniform. He always appears to be a kind of authority figure, friendly enough but not willing to take shit from anybody (see the scene in Twin Peaks, when Bobby lights up at the dinner table and Major Briggs slaps him across the face without breaking stride and sends the cigarette flying onto his wife's dinner plate).

Luther Lee Boggs is portrayed by Brad Dourif. When this episode of The X Files aired he was best known for playing young Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, a role that got him an Oscar nomination. He has since had a small role as Wormtongue in the second installment of The Lord of the Rings.

7/10

The X Files: Fire

It has been 8 months since I last watched an episode of The X Files. Which is to say it has been much too long. So, onwards to the next one in season 1: Fire.

Here, we learn a smidge of Mulder's past, back when he apparently had a social life or, more to the point, a love life. Onto the scene comes an annoyingly British agent from Scotland Yard, Mulder's former lover Phoebe Green. And, no, I don't much care for this character. She's not even all that nice to look at, with a destinctly 1990's tough-girl hairdo, often regarded as a lesbian tell (not by me).

The case is one of fire, that looks an aweful lot like spontaneous combustion but is definitely murder. The culprit is a man who appears to control fire, Lighting a cigarette, his hand, a building, or a person, through his thought. His targets are English gentlemen of distinction. He poses as 'Bob', the local caretaker at a house in the States (New England, near Boston).

Now here is another thing we learn about Mulder: he hates fire. So, this is not the best case to be working on, least of all with the tricky Phoebe, who rather enjoyes making Mulder squirm. Scully doesn't like Phoebe from the get-go. Bless her.

Anyway, in order to save some British Lord and his family from the previously mentioned 'Bob' (no, this is none of the FBI's business, really, but such is the power of Phoebe) Mulder will have to overcome his fear and literally go through fire.

The hero of the piece, however, is Agent Scully. Initially, she is excused from the case, because Mulder doesn't want her wasting her time on Phoebe's little games. But Scully being Scully, she cannot stay away and has a sneak in the file. She goes off on her own and follows her hunches and eventually finds the evidence that leads the team to the elusive killer.

Overall, an uneven episode, since the addition of an outsider to throw a wrench into the works of Mulder/Scully is just that: an outsider. There have been other, better guests before and after.

5/10

Open Grave

When Sharlto Copley (whose name, turns out much much later is actually Jonah but we will go with "John Doe" for the time being) wakes up he has no clue who he is or what is going on. But that's alright, because neither do we.

And why is he in a pit full of dead people (hint: this is the open grave from the title)? This will be later explained.

Why are his joints cracking? This will not be addressed.

He digs himself out of his grave and stumbles after a Japanese woman he has seen looking over the edge. When he comes upon a house he finds a group of handsome strangers. They are not quite sure who they are, either, but they have found pictures and hints from which they have deducted their names.

One is quite handy with weaponry while another appears to be speaking several languages fluently (French, Italian, Latin). The Japanese woman, meanwhile, doesn't speak at all. The consent is that she does not know English, but later is said to be mute (but not deaf, mind you).

Piece by piece the handsome circle of, um, friends? co-workers? random strangers? start remembering out of context bits of informatiion. When put together, these probably make a pretty clear picture of what happened. But, alas, they only exchange their recollections too late in the film to be of much help.

They also get attacked by obviously sick people that like hurting themselves. One of them is entwined in a barbed wire fence and lures the weapons expert (he is there to protect the group) with cries of help. As soon as he gets the chance, however, he offs him and laughs hysterically.

Some of the locals are not sick but hurl insults at the Copey character. They are the ones that call him Jonah and tell him to get away from them with his injections. Our group of handsome survivors start doubting themselves, because everything points to them - or maybe only Jonah - having conducted some sort of experiment that caused the whole dilemma.

But, luckily, as more memories return, they are the good guys, after all. They are there to help the infected people. Alas, they failed. When some sort of (untested) medicine wears off, they start forgetting again. Rough.

As their numbers dwindle, only three scientists and the Japanese woman are left standing. When they hear the helicopters coming, they believe themselves to be safe at last. But the soldiers are their to dispose of any witnesses of the disaster. Of course they are.

John Doe/Jonah flees and hides in the - you guessed it - open grave where all the bodies get dumped. The Japanese woman is remarkably self sufficient. She escaped the soldiers unscarred and rescues him out of the pit. At this point he is back to where he started - with no memory of what happened.

Luckily, another scientist (his lover, but he has forgotten that and she is dead now) wrote him and herself a note. Unluckily, he doesn't even see it among the bodies.

Lucky for us, then, that her now-deceased off-voice reads it to us and explaines that they were there to help and the Japanese woman needs to be protected because she is immune to the plague (their words, no mine). She urges Jonah to keep up the good work.

But how will he ever know?

As ridiculous as the storyline gets at times, this is surprisingly decent. Most of all, it is well made. The sound of the joints cracking in the beginning alone is very intriguing.

Good bit of entertainment. Just don't think too hard about the little things here and there. They are inconsequential, anyway.

7/10